I'm gonna make this quick coz I'm supposed to be asleep by now. :B

These past few days have been quite magical. Not the whimsical sort that transports you to faerie-land but more of the unbelievable and genuinely incredible sort.

Had a heartfelt discussion with my sweethearts from High School and I'm still floored by how sweet they were with what I had to share. Thank you girls. I love you loads! :)

One of my friends had finally made a well thought out choice. Congratulations hun! Good luck with the future. Seems to look pretty lovely to me. ;)

Met some of my Sydney friends and a short catch-up with Erin left me quite content and happy with my choice. You have no idea babe, how much those words meant to me. How you said that what I'm doing is my strong point and that at the end of the day, what matters is that you're happy and you're enjoying what you're doing. I applaud how you're able to just go with the flow and not think too hard and too much about things that would complicate your life. Thank you for sharing that with me Erin. :)

And the best thing, is realising just exactly why I'm with my man. How God is at the center of our relationship and that He is the reason we're together until today. I know it's still a lot to ask for and that I'm nothing but a tiny grain of sand in this vast space and world but I keep on praying for the best from Him.

I'm glad I can be there for you honeybee, just like how you've been there for me. :-*

Okay off to bed now. Tomorrow is a FULL day. Le Sigh. Toods!

After all these years I do realise why I have to go through the same situations over and over again. At first I thought it was a cruel joke but I now know that it's because I'm meant to learn something from these dilemmas and grow some set of balls to face it in the future.

Well, it's safe to say that I have. Hoho. Well at least I think I have. *check pants*

I used to get really upset earlier and equate myself to a failure at being the better option. I used to beat myself up about it, thinking that I didn't have what it took to distract them. Now i know that it's not enough to find solace in someone or something healthier, it's also essential that you acknowledge, understand and accept that the lesser of the options is not good for you. Only then, can you take the plunge and forget about it. And believe me, it takes awhile for this to sink in. All the third party has to do is wait and not allow themselves to be part of the problem. It's no use fitting yourself into the predicament because trust me, you have NOTHING to do with it.

So there you have it. It just hit me that what I've cried over for the past six years has made me able to face this with a smile, a sigh and plenty of patience.

To those on the other end of the spectrum, hey, it's not the end of the world. Look ahead. The road is paved with plenty of good things. Just don't keep glancing back because then, you wouldn't be able to enjoy the ride. :)

Is it healthy to be jealous or at the very least, wary of your partner's exes? Especially those he/she is still more than chummy with. You know, smses, random outbursts of surpressed feelings and hints or reminders of what they used to have and how great it was. Or perhaps several SOS calls that make your partner rush to their side claiming 'i still love him/her as a friend! I can't just leave them in pain/heartache/trouble' and proceed to lend their shoulder to cry on.

Hmm. Sounds familiar. Oh wait, I've been there! Many times! Always the exes. Jeez. Friends are fine. Like that Gwen Stefani song Cool. Confessions of pent up love that hasn't diminished after years, not fine. Lots of physical contact that reignites certain feelings, you're screwed man.

Yeah, not really fun is it? Hearing them comfort other people who used to shack up with them. Or unwillingly giving the green light for them to still meet up for coffee every week or so. Visualising how they used to touch, how the words he/she utters to you was once used on this other person (or persons), how they previously shared the same dreams. Great, my heart is knotting up just thinking about it.

 Oh well......since I have had experience then it should be something I'd be prepared to tackle. All those years of watching people I was with cry over another girl or make sacrifices for someone else should equip me with the hardened guts to face all that without cringing.

disclaimer: I am still very much in love and happy. Just so you'd know. Haha.

I was reading this post by the Satorialist about how gentlemen should behave and the virtues of grace. It's really great to see so many men out there who take the time to show the ladies in their life just how special they are. It doesn't matter if she's your wife, mother or daughter. All these small gestures that indicate how in tune you are to their needs and subtle wants, show how much you care for them. Trust me, they will appreciate you more this way.

I'm hoping my brother would find the time to view all the comments because God knows how much I want him to grow up to be a charming gentleman. Full of poise, good humour and graceful manners. I know he doesn't need much work, he is raised by such wonderful people after all, but it would be good to remind him that it's not just about 'Please' and 'Thank Yous'.

Oh and I would like to say how thankful i am to get my own gentleman. Small things like cleaning my workspace for me without being patronising and stocking up my fridge with all the goodies I love like dark chocolates and sweet cherries. All without me asking. :)

I remember my auntie telling me how she doesn't understand why some couples have to be sooo attached at the hip and just have their love lives fizzle and fade after a few years into the marriage. She said, 'look at your parents, still holding hands until now. But look at F and L who don't even walk next to each other anymore. They used to be inseparable!'.

And then I thought of how my parents were one of those couples in Uni who were never seen apart. Yeah. They were apparently inseparable too, according to their friends. But here they are, 26 years on, holding hands in public, getting gifts for each other and having bfast or dinner together without the kids.

It still works no? She makes him tea without him asking. He needs her by his side on weekend mornings. They have this deep understanding for each other and to this day, it amazes me that they're still so sweet with each other. Alhamdulillah.

Another thing I thought was why does one have to dispense what they really feel just because they don't want to feel disappointed when it doesn't last in the long run? I think it's much better to act the way you feel than postpone it or supress it to avoid bitterness in the future. Who knows if you'll get it or not? Allah can tarik balik anytime so might as well make the most of it while you can.

Oh and I don't think your partner should JUST be made up of sensible things. Like how they're dependable or adored by the parents. I don't think you should base your preference solely on that. Correction: you should if that's what floats your boat but I WON'T. What I want (and I believe I've explained this to you readers time and time again) is someone who, whenever I see or think of, makes me tingle from my scalp to my toes. I can feel love oozing into every blood vessel. When you're in love with someone, you don't just want to have intellectual conversations or watch blockbuster movies. You want to sit in silence and enjoy the warmth that radiates from their smooth skin. You want to hum your favourite songs while the wind blows through their sweet smelling tresses. You want to hear them laugh that cute laugher at all the jokes you make. You want to steal glances and offer hidden smiles while queing for food at opposite ends of the room.

You want to feel special.

I am officially a sack full of SAP.

Okay. Toodles!

Happy New Year!

I started 2010 by reading this year's blog posts. It was pretty interesting to note how much I TRIED to be positive but I always sunk back down to reality. Oh, and it was really nice to read everyone's comments and their support for me. I'm so thankful I've got so many friends who love me and right about now, I'm filled with guilt at neglecting these friendships. :(

I thought I'd give a rundown on the highlights of this year. The ups AND the downs. But I'll try to lean heavily on the happier side of life k? :)

February:
THIS post. Because it reflects how I view myself in terms of relationships. And also because of the solid advice my friends doled out. Especially my Llama. :D

A little bit of soul searching with mummy and her friend Kris. And also a newfound way of seeing Garuda. Oh and this quote: "In general, one's purpose is so closely aligned to one's life in general so as to be unnoted and unremarkable. It's the ego that demands the Headline Purpose." I have to keep reminding myself this.

March:
Hawa's birthday, a confession that changed my life and THIS letter to my friends. I still stand by my word. If you need me, I'm there. :)

April:
My reprieve to Bowral. I'm still in love with that place. :) Ifan came over. Lots of Sabbytime! :D And the wonderful discovery of Zumbo macarons.

May:
My fave comic of all time. No, its not Gaiman. It's Zek's! :D THIS post. Not really coz of the content but coz all the comments made my mom laugh for days.

July:
Where things started to take a turn for the better. That's when I realised I had fallen in love. :) I also have a post about my brother in the drafts section. I love him to bits and pieces. :D

August:
Mummy laid out some choices for me in the future. She truly is amazing and supportive. Love you!

October:
This was probably the climax of the year. Wrapping up honours and contemplating my current relationship.

December:
I left Sydney. :( My Llama got MARRIED. How crazy is that? :D Also had intense family bonding in Jakarta and Bandung. Auntie Ria and Uncle Irwan are awesome! :D

So that wraps everything up. Hopefully this year would be better in terms of work or studies. I'm praying that my penultimate (does returning for grad count?) return from Sydney sinks in better and comes with less complaints. :D

Good luck to everyone. Love, Shaheera.

It's really funny when your friends always tell you you deserve someone better whenever you get your heart broken. Or like you should never settle for less than best. Because the perfect guy would never break your heart right? He always treats you right, right?

Then you go around living your life with your heart under lock and grill. You decide that no guys are worth the extra effort. You flirt back but you're never serious. You're not willing to take that extra step. You nitpick each and every flaw. You get sadder and more lonely as the years go by.

Then your friends come up to you and say things like 'dude, you need to get laid!' and 'i think it's time u get sum lovin'. Or at least get more than just friendly. They tell you to open up a little. Start giving chances and taking risks. 'You never know if you don't try!' they say. So you do.

And look what happens. The same cycle repeats itself.

The End. Thank You.

Crud. I really have issues don't I? Sigh.

Hmm. Thank you for all the support. You guys rock. :)

Sometimes I'm ok. At least my eating habits have somewhat improved. I'm alright when people engage me in conversations where I'm supposed to respond. I can still laugh when it's due. I make my own stupid jokes (it's a coping mechanism, you see).

Sometimes I'm not. Every time I wake up I think that the whole thing was a dream. Then I realise it isn't. Today was funny because I had to answer questions about Mfest in between listening to Datuk Siti and songs of the same genre. I think that about made me cranky beyond repair.

I think the best consolation I got was at 4 in the morning:
'Doro, you're so kind, why does this always happen to you? If I were a guy, I'd be your boyfriend and I'd be so loyal and never leave you!'
-Norfaezah Hasim, 2009-
Unfortunately, my bestie is very much taken and very much a girl. Sigh.

But thank you to the rest. Liyana, for letting me stay over as long as I wanted to. Fatin, for taking me out. Chomet, for being fun for the both of us when I was unresponsive. Hawa, for calling all the way from Sydney and letting me cry on the phone. Zek, for talking things through. Ayin, for distracting me and the Three Hugs. Sabby, Peah, Shal, Izzati for your comments.

Sometimes I get into my childish mode where I wish for the impossible. Not just to have him back. Although that is the bulk of my wishes. Haha. But also to go all Kurt Wagner and Bamf out of here. Or to have Garuda be a tangible presence so he can fly me off this Earth. And sometimes I think of how unfair it all is. To me and to him. This usually happens when I see other couples. :S

Sometimes I put my chin up and let myself think that I'm going to be alright. I make plans for my future. I think of ways to achieve my goals. I try being positive as much as I can for as long as I can. I make sure I surround myself with good people and I read funny stuff.

So you see, it isn't all copacetic. But at least I'm trying. I'll find complacency in my own due time.

Hi. Once again, I've snapped back into being solo.
I'm telling you people so that you don't come up to me with a huge grin and ask 'SOO, How's YOUR boyfrienddd?'. Because if you do, I might just have to kick your ass.
And I know some of you boys will take advantage of my vulnerability. DON'T. I see right through it. I'll kick you where it REALLY hurts for that.

I'm starting to think I have some pathalogical disorder that prevents guys from staying with me.
Or at least wanting me enough to not lose me. Hmm. If I'm really THAT great, why am I dispensable then?

Okay people. I'm going to be a bit depressed for a while yea? If you only like me when I'm happy, I suggest you take a few months off this blog. I won't get angry. I promise.

Well, by hook or by crook, I have to regain my sanity by the 2nd of March coz Ill have to meet Diane and Staffan about my project then. Hoho. Wish me luck!

I think now's the time to call on reinforcements. I need all the support I need. But please, whatever you do, DON'T insult Afir. It doesn't work that way. Because besides the obvious fact that I still love him, he was also the best relationship I've had yet. He made me feel so loved and so happy back then. Out of all those boys I dated, the flings, official bfs and rships I can't define but really existed, this is hands down the best one. He is MORE than great in SO many ways so please don't judge him for this. I still love him VERY much and wish him all the best in everything.

Thanks to those who checked up on me. I really really appreciate it. :)

I feel like I have a hangover. Not that I know what hangovers feel like. But I reckon if I had one, this is what it would feel like. My head feels heavy. I can't really think straight. Hmm. In addition to that, I feel bloated and swollen all over. Relax, this is mere exaggeration. But I do feel like an elephant. For some reason I think the insides of my nose is swollen too.

Anyway. My weekend was the shiznit. I had quality time with Hawa and Firza at Paddington. I bought lip gloss and a dress. Woo Hoo! I had lotsa noice food. And I read some comics at night. And yet, even after 6 hours of walking along Oxford Street and staying up til 2am, I still couldn't sleep.


Yup. That's why.

And then the next day, I had the Mfest agm. I got to read Zek's speech so I got my 15 minutes of fame. Muahahaha. People made fun of me coz Afir and I were wearing matching clothes. You either think it's cute or annoying. We all know what I think. I swear we didn't plan it. Haha. Anyway, I'm finally free of responsibilities!! Yayyyy!! Now I can concentrate on those personal issues I have. Hahaha.

Then I spent the rest of the day with the boyfriend. Hee. Happy.
Oh and please watch Eagle Eye. It's just mind blastingly superb. And Shia is so hot.

After that, I dropped by Puan Lin's place for her open house and after gorging on satay, laksa, macaroni and cheesecake (crud, I sound like a pig again), we had a few rounds of KARAOKE. Hurr Hurr. By the time I got home it was 2 and by the time I snuggled under the covers it was 3 something. Thankfully I fell asleep quick. But not before singing this a few times:


Wonder Girls - Nobody from realarachi on Vimeo.

1. If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?
Leave. Why bother sharing?

2. If you have a dream to come true, what will it be?
Wait, realistically or what? Does getting mutant powers count?

3.Whose butt would you like to kick?
Shredder!

4. What would you do with a billion dollars?
Travel the World.

5.Will you fall in love with your best friend?
They're both female and taken. Contrary to popular belief, I don't swing that way.

6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
Being loved by someone. It's easier to love someone than to make someone love you.

7.How long do you intend to wait for someone you really love?
What's the reason for waiting? Because he has someone else? Because he's confused? I've learnt the hard way that it isn't worth it. I'd rather be happy alone and flirting with other guys than sad and waiting.

8. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?
Pout, sulk and move on. Haha.

9. Is there anything that has made you extremely happy?
Chocolates and cupcakes!

10. What takes you down the fastest?
Rude and inconsiderate people.

11. How would you see yourself in ten years time?
32? Stable career with a house to my name. And I've visited at least 6 more countries.

12. Who is currently the most important people to you?
Come on. Cliched question please.

13. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
Flirtatious and Fun. ;)
And GREAT with kids. :D

14. Have you SMILED today?
I smile everyday. Sheera, that's the lamest line you've come up with today.

15. What's the first thing you do when you wake up?
Squint and think, 'What? Morning alreaddddyyyy??? Noooooo....Eh lapar la...'

16. Would you give your all in a relationship?
Of course. Well, I try at least. Really, I do..

17. If you fall in love with two people simultaneously, who would you pick?
Nadee just asked me this question. And I'm still keeping it between the 2 of us. ;)

18. Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing the someone has done?
Yea. Resentment is unhealthy. I'd rather just avoid the person for the rest of my life. Hahaha.

19.Do you prefer being single or having a relationship?
I'm used to being single but it's nice having a boyfriend. :)

20. Do you believe in long distance relationships?
I didn't use to. But I guess I'd have to start believing in it soon. :(

List 5 people to tag
1. Sabby
2. Izzati
3. Reen
4. Nadee
5. Llama

This is going to sound Uber corny, but everytime I look at my blog, I feel happy. Makes me change my mind about ranting on how tired I am.

Instead, I'm going to tell you that I've been re-watching All Time Low and Hyrise on Youtube. Cute guys ALWAYS makes me chipper. Hahaha...

And tomorrow, I've only got ONE class! Wheeeee!!! I still have to pick out my honours course though. Anyone wants to help me?

Shia got arrested again recently. Hmm. I wonder if that makes him a bad person or just an Idiot who gets caught more often than others.

My mom handed in an article about her trip to Bario, Sarawak to The Star and she just sent me the newspaper clipping. I'm immensly proud of her. :D I on the other hand, haven't had much writing done and that chance to prove so dissipated with the exams. Meh.

Oh, more cute guys yayyyy!!

Okay. My hair officially looks like crap. I hate it.

Later in the evening: I feel vaguely disturbed with the fact that my ex bf has the same birthday as my husband, Shia LaBeouf. :P Its the same year too. Hmm.