It's a gorgeous Sunday and all I can think of is sitting at a nice cafe outdoors and sipping some awesome Latte. I was all set to bathe and rush out the door with my laptop and work in hand then I remembered:
Eh, Ramadhan la.
I forgot because I'm not fasting, see. Yes, it's THAT time of the month again. So perhaps, I'd have to be content in taking away my coffee and sipping it somewhere private.
Even so, I do love Ramadhan. Somehow, your efforts feel much more appreciated during this month. You somewhat feel stronger with each choice you make. Your prayers seem more genuine and your heart seems to calm down faster.
I love fluffy ranunculus and hydrangea. I feel like using them as blusher brushes.
You know sometimes I go off on this ranting tangent in my head where I zoom in on a problem and let out all my anger or hurt at it. Most times it can even get physical up there in my mind.
One thing I picture myself doing is hitting something with a baseball bat or pitching the baseball at something (or someone). Regardless of the fact that I've NEVER played baseball my entire life. Hee.
Another favourite fantasy of mine is running amok with a mosquito racquet. You know what that is? That racquet that holds instead of strings, wires that conduct electricity and are designed to fry flying insects that get caught in it. Don't ask me why. I just like the thought of zapping people who get on my nerves or at least scare them in the process. :D
Sigh. It's one of those gloomy days where you feel like suddenly everything is wrong with you. How come she doesn't love me anymore? Why isn't he talking to me? How come I don't have any real talent? Why don't I have any dreams?
Oh, but I DID watch The Princess and the Frog. YAYYYYY! I cried of course. It would be totally uncharacteristic of me to not cry. Sigh. Disney is still teaching little girls that true love can happen in a day or two. But I suppose when you go through so much catastrophe in that same time, you tend to bond well with the person you're sharing it with. What? I read it somewhere! I've seen it too! :B Sigh.
Oh, and le boyfriend got me the cutest card ever. It had this song in it:
Sigh. Just the man I need. One who understands and supports this weird obsession with being a Disney princess. Hahaha.
I miss the person you used to be. The one who looked at me through tears in their eyes and let me help pick things up. The one who would listen to my worries over a cup of coffee. The one who gave their full support and doled out great advice. I miss that. I wonder what mistakes I made to make you do a one eighty. And still, everyday I pray you turn back. Because I still need you and your prayers.
Faezah is totally right when she says, there are some things you need to keep to yourself. You don't have to share every little nitty gritty detail with your other half or your family. Don't get me wrong, it isn't lying. Just an elimination of certain technicalities. Sometimes these small points make or break a relationship. Certain images tend to burn themselves permanently into a person's mind. Thus, it is better to let sleeping dogs lie than awaken a sense of unease and awkwardness.
Can you make someone like you? Not like like. You know, just genuinely friendly like. I have made people who hate me like me. But I don't know if at this day and age it's still possible to do so. I've got the guns and the ammo, but have they got thicker armour? I wish I could make the people I genuinely like, like me back. Forever. But then again, if these people don't appreciate me even after trying, then why should I be running with that pack ever again? The ones worth keeping are the ones who don't need you to keep mending fences and accepts the whole package, even your ugly flaws.
Great. Now I feel like I'm in limbo with everything.
Between studying and working. Between Sydney and Malaysia. Between friends and family. Between pleasing people and doing what I want. (which is pretty much loafing around learning how to sew and bake) Between emotions.
I wonder why my allergies flare up more often here. Must be Kolzac.
Still in limbo.
If you don't work hard at it, don't be surprised if one day he/she walks away. Put in everything you've got if it's what you want. Don't save your 'I Love Yous' for a rainy day because rainy days means its too late. You are repeled from going all out because it's not cool and who's to say it'll last. Well, not trying is a surefire way to ensure it won't.
Ah, a true procrastinator will always postpone feeling emotional as long as possible. I keep telling myself (and certain people) that I don't want to even THINK about leaving Sydney (and certain people) in december. So yes, I'm procrastinating the tears till the few days before I jet set to the land of humidity and bad manners.
I shall miss the quaint cafes and the weekend markets. I shall miss Ayam Goreng 99 and Shalom. I shall miss the beaches and chocolate parlours. I shall miss walking alone to discover hidden secrets.
Wow. And not a single tear or even a slight tremble of the lips. I'm pretty awesome.
Okay, off to drench my throat with some skyjuice. Later!
And just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, I happen to get both diarrhoea and bloating/gas at the same time. Woes me. I don't know if I'm hungry or I just need to fart or I need to use the loo. Make up yer mind matey!
Oh, I have also discovered that Sudoku calms my nerves and deactivates my emotional response to things. Pretty good when you're about to unleash 10 000 tears. Or melt into a pool of anger, fear and sweat. :P
Children's tears may seem like they're worth alot. Hands up who hasn't given in looking into those pools substituting as eyes? Thought so. But do remember, they can switch these things on and off to get what they want. The moment they achieve their goals, it's all sunshine and they leave you in the dust. And trust me, there's mooooreee where that came from. They forget the last time you rewarded them and are able to call upon all the times you've denied their requests. Tsk tsk. Let's take a moment of silence and grieve for all the parents out there. Especially my own. Har Har.
I want to go and do my thesis somewhere else. Some cafe that would allow me to stay for long hours and order cake and coffee. And where noone I know will walk in and distract me. Any suggestions would be good, please and thank you!
I was so semangat doing another run for my biofilms when I fell sick halfway through. I kept shivering in lab, my bottom half felt like it was about to unscrew itself and my head was as heavy as lead. So I went home and let the fever consume me.
Thanks to my friends, I'm feeling better now. :D
I'm still coughing though. Like heavy, congested coughs filled with phlegm. And my throat is uber itchy. Come scratch me? :P The phlegm tastes like how recently photocopied paper smells.
Last night mamochka gave me a loooong motivational speech. She's so cute. I miss her so much. Thank you mummy, I love you!
When you tell some people that they're good at something, they start believing and embracing that trait. That's all well and good when they actually ARE good at it. It gives them the motivational push to be who they're meant to be. But what if they're not actually that good to begin with? Like what if we were only being supportive and not 100% honest? Somehow, the word embarrassing comes to mind. And disillusioned.
I always believe that there's a reason why we face the troubles life throws at us. God is just. Our previous actions will lead to sticky situations. If you KNOW something is wrong deep down inside, but you still succumb to lust, wants and desire, is it a wonder really if you get lots of bullets fired at you while traveling along that chosen path? Do you really think you can get away with instant gratification (no matter how PURE u justify your intentions to be) scot free without paying tolls or taxes?
And once you reach that state of burden, don't make other people shoulder unnecessary responsibilities for all YOUR wrong choices. It's like leaving your long lost grankids with a hefty list of debts.
Sometimes, if you don't know what you want, the next best thing is to at least know what you DON'T want. I've figured this part out so I suppose that narrows things down. Haha. One of those things I don't want to be is weak. And even if I am feeling vulnerable, I don't want anyone else to see it.
Petty problems should not push you over the edge. People's issues should not affect you at all.
Concentrate on YOUR life. It's the only one you can change. You're the one who will have to deal with your choices first hand. No one is going to bear the same amount of grief or hold a heartful of joy as much as you will. They may say they do but seriously, the magnitude in which they do is NOTHING compared to what you will have to go through.
Oh boy. I'm feeling pretty nauseous now. I have NO idea why. Last night I had one of my attacks before falling asleep.
This really has to stop. No really. Please? I really, really cannot keep going through this every single day. It isn't fair.
I know God only gives dugaan to those He knows can face it. So i suppose it is fair?
Are we meant to understand why we're going through all this or are we just meant to power through it without figuring out the underlying meaning?
Right now. What I would love more than anything, is to have someone tell me:
Shaheera Djafar, we have decided to let you finish honours in 1 and a half years instead of 1 year. You can do your coursework next semester and just concentrate on your thesis. Oh, and even for your thesis, we'll allow you to postpone everything by a MONTH.
I'm the Queen of Wishful Thinking.
One day, I'll set up an agency where you can order random acts of sweetness to be delivered to your sweethearts.
One day, I will meet someone who will impart all his/her knowledge about spiritual stability and contentment to me.
Maybe all this guilt and unhappiness is weighing me down. Maybe. Sabby, I really wanted to have brekkie with you. I really did. But I have to submit something to my supervisor. And now I'm feeling bad coz I couldn't hang with you. Sigh.
Imagine if Corrine Bailey Rae could come and sing away all my negativity. It's the opposite of Ariel and Ursula's ritual. Does that make sense? No? Okay.
Adoi. Sakit perut gelak watching this okay? Hahahahaha. So cute and semangat! :D I can't believe how ayu he is! :P He's improved in this one:
And I have the bestest, most supportive friends ever. Llama I love you SO much. Thank you for those sweet words. And Congrats to Fatin for getting Four Flat! :D
I dah tak larat dah. I cannot go on doing nonsense like this. Our lives no longer intersect, so why should I bother pretending or wishing it did? I've trudged this road before, and I got through alright. I just need to practise more restraint and have more willpower.
I feel really guilty thinking that the world is unfair to me. In actual fact, I am VERY blessed to have what I own right now. The amount of people who love me, Alhamdulillah, are just amazing. And the fact that my heart is filled with so much love for each of them, keeps me going.
Times are tough. I do not enjoy the pressure of what I'm doing. I can't really see a future in what I'm doing now, which is sad but at least I tried to find out. Who knows, I might change my mind after I get used to things.
I do not have ambitious dreams. I do not have dreams at all. I do not know what I can do to earn money and at the same time give me some form of fulfillment. A proud sense of achievement would suffice, but even then, nothing I do is enough for that. Maybe I'm a slacker after all.
That's my last.fm playlist being wordledusing some coding program from Master Giraffe. Don't judge me! :P
Been listening to Red Jumpsuit Apparatus on replay since dinner at Mongers. :D
I've been increasing my food intake recently for these reasons:
1. It's getting colder, therefore I get hungrier. Go figure.
2. I'm becoming happier. When I'm happy I eat more. It's simple really.
3. I just got my big P. PMS makes you ravenous and crave things. Like salt n pepper calamari. And chocolates.
4. I have friends who eat nice food. Enough said.
But I do not like increasing my girth. EVERYONE KNOWS I LOOK BETTER NOW. Dont pretend its not true. I KNOW you think I look unhealthy all bloated and fat. And I like playing with my ribs, thanks.
So what do I do now? Yeah. I can hear you rattling off all the typical responses. Exercise, eat less, cook yourself, dont eat junk food, put up a pic of Jessica Alba or that dress one size smaller to motivate yourself. Right. It sounds so easy saying and writing doesnt it? Pah.
Wait. Why am I cantankerous? Oh. Lit review not done. Right. Okay toods!
If you know doing something makes someone happy, you should continue doing it right? Hmm.
Oh how I wish my mother was here. Oh crud. She's so going to call me sounding all worried now. Meh.
Anyway. Must. Be. Positive. Highlights of the week so far:
1. Eating at Bourke St Bakery and traipsing around Surry Hills with Sibrena and Jamsiah. Ah, fulfilled tummy and soul. 2. Getting confirmation that I'll be my bestie's Maid of Honour! So excited to be part of her special day. :D 3. Um. Yeah. That's it. What? It's only Friday!
Man. Where's my Mortal Wombat when I need it? I want to bury my head into it's furry belly and sleep. Ngahahaha sounds disturbing.
ps: sorry for the lack of posts. I haven't been really inspired lately. Toods.
Today's rainfall marked the seasonal change we've been waiting for. Well, I don't know if YOU'VE been waiting for it. I'm sure with extreme heat waves in Summer, wet days are more than welcome now. And I kind of like sitting at my desk and listening to the rain while drinking something hot.
Now the only problem is that I dont have an umbrella.
I have a presentation tomorrow. I have a mid session quiz next week. I haven't really started my experiment yet.
And here I am listening to the Kids Incorporated take on "The King of Wishful Thinking" on replay. I think I'm going to sing that the next time I karaoke. Huh huh huh.
Oh wow. It must really be something to stare at this blog and feel unsatisfied with everything I've written. Mrrfhh.
Funny how watching a cute guy can make you chipper for the rest of the day. Thanks Hawa for sharing your new Youtube obsession! :D
You know what I love? Friendships that aren't one sided. I'm so sorry to those who think they've been shortchanged by me but I have to say that I'm very lucky to have some pretty awesome friends. I love listening to your problems as much as I am grateful that you listen to mine. I love it when you come by my room even when it's messy because I always drop by at yours. I love it when you share random stuff with me and accept all the nonsense I make you read and watch.
And I miss my little sanggana cham cham. Everytime I watch Russel Peters I think of you, kid. Take it, and GO.
I now type psycho as spycho and am dancing crazily to 3Oh!3. Word.
Today was a FULL day. :D And thus, a POSITIVE one.
4 hours of commercial biotech classes and almost 2 hours of lab work. I do realise that normal full days involve 9 hours. But come on people, you know you spend a quarter of it online or eating.
Anyway, it's kind of nice gaining proper momentum. Waking up early, eating (somewhat) proper food, no naps, lab work, classes, relaxing time after dinner. Hoho. I hope I get to keep the ball rolling. Wish me luck!! I've still got a couple of kinks I need to iron out. Such as vegies for lunch and time for exercise. Oh and proper study time. :B
One thing I'm aiming for this year: To have an adventure every week. It's very subjective. Eating cow's brain is also an adventure. So is painting my toes electric blue. So yeah. Any suggestions or collaborations are duly welcomed! :D
I had a sleep in today and now my head feels like lead. Well, I'm sorry, this week has been hectic and I never got the chance to rid my jet lag or get fully settled in the routine of things here.
Watched Watchmen last night. Probably another reason why my head feels like lead. I never got round to finishing the comic because of the massive theories they imparted and it was too deep for my liking. The movie was pretty good nonetheless. The fight scenes especially the ones involving Rorschach are just badass. You can read a fanboy's review right HERE.
And if you're not into that kind of thing, here's something for all you foodies out there: The History of the McGangBang. It's come to a point where the staff at Maccas don't even flinch when they take your order. There are a few variants too, like using Spicy McDeluxe instead of a McChicken. And of course, you can add on as many patties as you like to create your own McOrgy. (hahahahaha).
Not into that either? “I believe in pink, I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.” -Audrey Hepburn- (I believe in miracles...where you from? You sexy thing.....) So stop whining and be happy!
Sometimes, when I'm alone in my room, I talk to my donkeys Pedro and Jose. Here, Pedro is telling me a sad story about a monk who fell in love with the kitchen hand. You can see that Jose is very sad about this because he once fell in love with a mermaid.
Socks are from Pull&Bear. :D
ps: I think Garuda is upset with me because I chose to imagine someone else to converse with before I fall asleep. :S In logical terms, it's not doing my soul any good to keep meandering in past memories.
Ho Ho dah start emo dah. Sebab tengok titisan2 berwarna kuning dia atas bibir mangkuk tandas. Benci nak mati. Skarang SEMUA penghuni rumah ini (kecuali saya la) suka kencing sepah walaupun semuanya perempuan.
Lepas tu bilik ni ada la gambar2 yang kurang menarik di setiap sudutnya. Nak bawak turun malas dan sayang. Okla takpe, bila dah cukup kuat, bawak la turun. Namun begitu, dah online ni, tertengok pula gambar2 orang lain tengah dilamun cinta. Pandai. Nasib baik tak nangis. Atau guna marker hitam kaler-kaler gambar2 dalam bilik ni. Jangan risau, saya masih siuman.
Banyak lagi keluhan yang boleh saya keluarkan. Tetapi bahasa melayu saya ni memang sampah dan malam hendak mengucapkan selamat tinggal.
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? 'mengucapkan selamat tinggal'????!!
Anyway, I'll remove this when I see fit. Now, bask in the grossness of my unit's toilet. Peace.
Faezah shared this little thing with me. She REALLY wanted me to put it here because she said that "ppl must know this about cookie monster" because we both couldn't believe that he is "actually quite jiwang". So here goes:
'Me wonder what love is? Me thinks love is like my love for cookies, but me met you, and me give you cookie.'
A dash of Disney, a sprinkle of pop punk, lashings of sweet treats, a pinch of superheroes, bundles of laughter and a tinge of crankyness.
All wrapped up in a pretty package that resembles the Cookie Monster.
Also self proclaimed Princess of Le Cupcake Kingdom
People I love. Music. Sweet treats. Singing animals. Movies. Princes. Books. Fables. Hindustan Heroes.
Sinks my Ship
Rude people working in hospitality and sales. Long queues. Idiots CUTTING long queues. People who Patronise.
Wishlist
To finally figure out what I'm meant to do. To travel the world. To eat anything without gaining ungodly amounts of weight. To get my happily ever after. :)
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