There goes the Raya holidays. I had a list of things to do but I didn't accomplish most of them. Oh well.

I did something really stupid today. I guess it was because I was angry at a lot of different things. Perhaps it had something to do with my stomach discomfort and PMS as well. Hearing my brother curse was the final straw. Now I'm paying the price of my stupidity with some ice. Meh.

I made a prediction about a friend. Perhaps I'm being too pessimistic but I'm just following trends here. I wouldn't know though, if my prediction comes true. If it does, it just proves one thing and I shall be happy to know that I'm right. Haha.

I learnt one important thing during the holidays. "You don't lose anything if you forgive".

I'm trying very hard to follow this. It's a bit hard when people don't realise that they've done something wrong and actually seek for that forgiveness but back to the saying, it's not like you'll lose anything. When the time comes for them to change and seek forgiveness from God, they can rest assured that their slate with you is clean.

Oh and one more thing. I was contemplating about people who have to choose sides between their husbands and their families. Both are important, yes? But how do you choose which side to lie on when opinions differ? To be direct, women are supposed to side with their husbands but AHAH! Only if their husbands are right and not against God. So i figured, idealistically, the only way to judge which party to agree with, is to use God and your beliefs as your compass. What do you think God would want you to do? What do you think he'd rather you pick?

Wow. More spiritual mumbo jumbo. I can already guess what some people might say. Whatever. Just bask in the complacency that I've forgiven you anyway. But not before I mock your inflated ego and imagine the day you fall off that pedestal you planted yourself on. But maybe then, you wouldn't forgive me for saying that. Hmm.

Back again after another long hiatus. I haven't blogged partially because I have this fear that one of my superiors might google me and land on this space. We wouldn't want them to catch me moaning in agony or screaming bloody murder, would we?

I've had my what, fourth infection in the past two months. I had ulcers on my throat. Yes. THROAT. I got really upset at first then I got really fascinated and obsessed. I kept persuading people to look at my throat but they'd politely refuse. Hmph. You don't know what you're missing. I'm better now if you're wondering, Alhamdulillah.

My best friend got hitched. Congrats Faezah! :D Solehah just got engaged this morning. Ah another one bites the dust. Congrats!

I am slowly starting to HATE the person I've become. I've lost count of the amount of people who get upset with me. This includes family, friends and colleagues. I disappoint them continuously every single day and I'm quite sick of it. 

It's okay you know, having separate lines for your separate lives just so long as they're parallel and whenever they interact they don't get tangled up. My lines look like Kolzac had run through and made them into a spherical mass coated with cat saliva and fur balls. My body is filled with so much negative energy it would make Darth Vader proud.

I don't know what's the point of writing this down. Doesn't feel therapeutic anymore. Maybe because once I log off, things are the same. Tomorrow someone else will get upset with me and the next day someone would wish they could strangle me. And all the while I'd wish I were somewhere else alone. But no, they'd find a way to get me and inject huge amounts of guilt into my head and heart that I'd have to come home where the same cycle would continue. If being sick didn't make it stop nothing probably will. Oh WELL.

Is it healthy to be jealous or at the very least, wary of your partner's exes? Especially those he/she is still more than chummy with. You know, smses, random outbursts of surpressed feelings and hints or reminders of what they used to have and how great it was. Or perhaps several SOS calls that make your partner rush to their side claiming 'i still love him/her as a friend! I can't just leave them in pain/heartache/trouble' and proceed to lend their shoulder to cry on.

Hmm. Sounds familiar. Oh wait, I've been there! Many times! Always the exes. Jeez. Friends are fine. Like that Gwen Stefani song Cool. Confessions of pent up love that hasn't diminished after years, not fine. Lots of physical contact that reignites certain feelings, you're screwed man.

Yeah, not really fun is it? Hearing them comfort other people who used to shack up with them. Or unwillingly giving the green light for them to still meet up for coffee every week or so. Visualising how they used to touch, how the words he/she utters to you was once used on this other person (or persons), how they previously shared the same dreams. Great, my heart is knotting up just thinking about it.

 Oh well......since I have had experience then it should be something I'd be prepared to tackle. All those years of watching people I was with cry over another girl or make sacrifices for someone else should equip me with the hardened guts to face all that without cringing.

disclaimer: I am still very much in love and happy. Just so you'd know. Haha.

I just put this site link up on my other blog but it was too good not to share it here too. I'm addicted to reading this because Yes, it Gives me Hope too but also because some of them are SUPER sweet and they made me cry. Hehe. Here's some:

-Last May, I tried to kill myself. When I got home from the hospital, my family barely said a word.
I went to bed in tears, until my little brother woke me up and dragged me onto our garage roof. He sat and watched the stars with me for two hours, telling me he loved me, and that he wants to make everything better.
My 9yr old brother GMH.

-A few months ago, my grandmother died of cancer.
With the few words she had left, she told me where to find my Christmas presents for the next three years, my high school graduation present, and my wedding present. As her youngest grandchild, she wanted to make sure she could be there for me even after she was gone.
Her love and thoughtfulness GMH 

-Today is my friend's 16th birthday, he died on the 22nd of December 2009.
I found out a few days ago that he passed away when shots were fired after he saved a 15 year old girl from being raped by 3 men. She got away.
His selflessness GMH.

-A long time ago, I went to see a band at a small club in Chicago, the band was unknown and broke.
After the show, they scraped up enough money to go and buy fast food for all the homeless men near the club.
The band? Fall Out Boy.
Good karma GMH.

Ok i think I have to stop. I cant see the screen anymore. It really makes you evaluate what kind of person you really are and what kind of person you want to be.

I honestly want to be a better muslim, sister, daughter, granddaughter, girlfriend and friend. I am nowhere near these wonderful people and I know now that I need to be less selfish and to be kinder to other people.

Please be forewarned that I have just previously endured 4 hours of heat and and an extra 4 hours of walking in the CBD. I am also currently pms-ing. PMS Buddy doesn't lie. Neither do my pimples.

I fell utterly talentless. I have no amazing gift brought down from generations. I can't cook, I can't sing, I can't dance. I'm a downright shame. I can't even write properly. No poetry, no fiction, no research papers. All I do is ramble incoherently.

I am absolutely shy to the point of adverting my gaze from my own reflection when doing uninhibited things in front of the mirror. (shut up). I get stage fright easily. I take everything as a joke. I can't let myself go and lose myself in things. So Unsexy, no?

Yes. Right now I feel like I am at the bottom of the sewer. Carrying dreams that involve just being able to see the stars. I don't understand why I'm feeling this blue. I'm dripping tears of shame at being someone that just doesn't cut everyone's expectations. My parents, my friends, my teachers, my boyfriend. I'm sorry I can't be who you want me to be. I'm sorry if I'm not enough for any of you.

Okay. Crying leads to headaches. Off to bed. Thank you.

Great. Now I feel like I'm in limbo with everything.

Between studying and working.
Between Sydney and Malaysia.
Between friends and family.
Between pleasing people and doing what I want.
(which is pretty much loafing around learning how to sew and bake)
Between emotions.

I wonder why my allergies flare up more often here. Must be Kolzac.

Still in limbo.

If you don't work hard at it, don't be surprised if one day he/she walks away. Put in everything you've got if it's what you want. Don't save your 'I Love Yous' for a rainy day because rainy days means its too late. You are repeled from going all out because it's not cool and who's to say it'll last. Well, not trying is a surefire way to ensure it won't.

Ah. Yup. Still in limbo.

Too many thoughts in my head. Can't seem to sort them out. I seem to function better (or more like a normal, sane human being) only when I'm around you. The rest of the time I'm just a bundle of nerves.

There are two types of sarcasm.

One being the snarky, witty type. It's fast and sharp and leaves only a tiny scar behind, if any at all. Much like being grazed by a verbal bullet. Guess who has this gift she likes to share with her friends? Nope, it isn't me but I can take this type of sarcasm anyday baby. Just be prepared to get yours back.

The other one is more like having your bones gnawed by rats while you're still alive. It dredges up long forgotten bad habits and sounds like fingernails on a chalkboard. It's the kind that goes on for a good fifteen minutes and makes you feel like you're swimming in your own excrement (or wish you were instead of listening to them) at the end of it. It's excruciating and it pisses me off (like you couldn't tell already).

Ah, being all snappy makes me feel a whole lotta better.

Another day spent at home. I've GOT to lose this massive bulk around my waist. It came out of nowhere, I swear! It crept up on me 2 nights ago. The lack of water intake has finally caught up with me.

Oh and pms. I've been pms-ing for a week. Sore boobies and all. You'd think I'd start bleeding now. Jeez. Ok sorry. I'm just sliiiiightly agitated.

Apparently my brother likes sexy girls. Hahahaha. Ok, what guy DOESN'T like sexy girls? But of course, these sexy girls are the ones who play around and fall for bad boys. My brother may be vain and a poser but he ain't nasty. I'd rather him go for cute n slightly sexy girls rather than all out raawwrr sexy girls. Why? I don't know. I like imposing my authority on him. :D

Maybe because he once fell for one of these girls and she left him hanging while she went off with other guys. Then she came back crying to him. Wtf. Apparently she's nice. When she's alone and not with her clique. Right. 16 year olds will always act the same whichever era they're in.

Anywaaayyyy. Enough about my brother. I need to go on a diet. Pronto. But...the scrumptious risoles are calling my name from the fridge. Maybe I should PRETEND to be depressed and sad so I'll stop eating.

This post isn't really positive is it? It's still emo isn't it? Crap. Ok I think I should stop now. :B

Four more days. I really don't want to leave. I love this place so much. It's so cliched but Sydney HAS made me who I am. It's taught me so much about myself.

The Ultimate Final Farewell was too much for me to handle actually. I've been suppressing all these emotions for weeks and when I saw everyone that night I had to force myself not to cry. All I honestly wanted to do was sit in the corner and let the tears burst forth. Such is the nature of my hormones and feelings of sentiment. I even had to pinch myself in the car to stop from weeping.

Which is why I left early. Besides, playing Mafia isn't my thing. ;)

So here I am now, crying alone in the room, wishing I could stay. But I know things will never be the same with everyone going their separate ways, with life goals to pursue and money to gain.

Oh well. The end is inevitable. All you have to do is face it.

Last night I felt my pms hit me with full blast.

I was waiting for the bus in front of the hospital for 45 minutes. I was cold, tired and my head was pounding. I look down to see the honey we bought at Balmain markets had spilled all over my groceries. I got really pissed off so I decided to just walk home. At 1045 pm. The moment I left the bus stop I started crying really badly. After a few minutes I saw TWO 400 buses going past me. TWO! wadafak? Of course, I cried even harder. I'm talking deep heaving sobs here.

Then I went over to Unit 39. Had some food and a LOOOONGG convo with Erin. Made me laugh and smile again. Did I hear someone say moodswings??

Man, I'm such a weirdo.

In actual fact, I had such a lovely day yesterday with Hawa and Anas. It's been AGES since I last hung out with them outside. We went to Balmain, bought some Zumbo cakes (SEDAP GILA), walked to Rozelle, ate a super late lunch, went back to the city and looked at a couple of interior design exhibitions. FUN! :D

Oh well. Now it's back to the grind. Oh wait, I have a bday thingy to attend to. Even though malas nak mati. Sigh. Ok kena masak now bye.

If I could drop everything and run away, I would do so without thinking twice. I am sick of you honours, you don't fill my soul with any happiness at all. I am not cut out for you so quit making my life hell.

Shaheera Djafar, the only reason honours is being a bitch to you is because you don't want to be on friendly terms with it.

Oh shut up Miss Patronise.

Last friday I was in a room full of scientists. Ideas and questions were being thrown around. The moment they started I heard a loud *PING* in my head. Much like a microwave signalling that your reheating is done. That sound indicated how I realised this just isn't what the future holds for me. I've tried so hard to follow it and to fight the doubts but it just doesn't make me happy.

And then of course, the guilt, the anger and the disappointment flooded in. Why did I do honours? Why can't I just be good at it? Why can't I have enough motivation to finish what I started? Why can't I feel the urge to publish papers or accomplish much much more? Here I am giving mediocre a try. And here I am pushing what I need to do further behind.

I can't. You make me feel empty. You make me shake in anger. You make me restless and anxious. I just. CAN'T.

Frig. Frigfrigfrig. Sigh.

Dah dah la tu Shaheera Djafar. Silalah ke Lab dan siapkan practise thesis anda.

You win some, you lose some. Balance is key. Happiness is a choice.
Mantras lose their meaning if you repeat them long enough.

I know I've been ranting more than usual lately. I sincerely apologise. I keep forgetting that's what my journal is for, not the internet. :)

But don't worry, I'm ok most of the time.

So now, I shall be selfish in a good way. Leave me be. Please and thank you. :D

This is entertainment for today:




Enjoy! :D

I really don't know how you do it. Working 12 hours a day. Everyday. Then you come home and help the kids with their homework or play with them. Some of you may even cook and clean. I really don't know HOW you do it.

Because here I am, on the verge of tears, with aching shoulders and a heavy heart.

It's all fine and dandy IN the lab or OUT with the friends. It's the end of the day that sucks. Knowing you have to shower first and blow dry your hair and wake up early to prepare lunch/dinner/berbuka and do some work. Wishing you had someone to unknot all the tension in your shoulders. Or rub your back. Or stroke your hair before you sleep.

Maybe it just takes some getting used to. Or maybe my estrogen levels are still low. DAMN YOU HORMONES! Be strong Woman! *smack*

I want some Risoles please? Thank you.

I'm so tired of this. Not THIS this, the OTHER this. The whole Karma thing has stopped being funny. I know it's fair but really? (Yakin je fair) How long do I have to wait? Argh. Okay, I zip it. And please, don't judge me after you read this. You have NO IDEA what I'm talking about so DON'T ASSUME. Spanks.

Hah. Shouldn't have said what I said in the last post. I'm now pelted with my own stupid problems. But OH WELL, TOUGH LUCK.

No, I'm not going to rant here. It is my fault after all. But I have legit reasons. And noone would understand anyway.

So, I'm going to go off the grid for awhile. Until I figure out how to fix things. Because problems should be solved not left to simmer under the hood til everything evaporates.

K thnx bai.

ps: Ifan is leaving tomorrow. I love being the Kakak. But it's tiring too. I'm gonna miss the kid. Sigh.