I started 2010 by reading this year's blog posts. It was pretty interesting to note how much I TRIED to be positive but I always sunk back down to reality. Oh, and it was really nice to read everyone's comments and their support for me. I'm so thankful I've got so many friends who love me and right about now, I'm filled with guilt at neglecting these friendships. :(
I thought I'd give a rundown on the highlights of this year. The ups AND the downs. But I'll try to lean heavily on the happier side of life k? :)
February: THIS post. Because it reflects how I view myself in terms of relationships. And also because of the solid advice my friends doled out. Especially my Llama. :D
A little bit of soul searching with mummy and her friend Kris. And also a newfound way of seeing Garuda. Oh and this quote: "In general, one's purpose is so closely aligned to one's life in general so as to be unnoted and unremarkable. It's the ego that demands the Headline Purpose." I have to keep reminding myself this.
March: Hawa's birthday, a confession that changed my life and THIS letter to my friends. I still stand by my word. If you need me, I'm there. :)
April: My reprieve to Bowral. I'm still in love with that place. :) Ifan came over. Lots of Sabbytime! :D And the wonderful discovery of Zumbo macarons.
May: My fave comic of all time. No, its not Gaiman. It's Zek's! :D THIS post. Not really coz of the content but coz all the comments made my mom laugh for days.
July: Where things started to take a turn for the better. That's when I realised I had fallen in love. :) I also have a post about my brother in the drafts section. I love him to bits and pieces. :D
August: Mummy laid out some choices for me in the future. She truly is amazing and supportive. Love you!
October: This was probably the climax of the year. Wrapping up honours and contemplating my current relationship.
December: I left Sydney. :( My Llama got MARRIED. How crazy is that? :D Also had intense family bonding in Jakarta and Bandung. Auntie Ria and Uncle Irwan are awesome! :D
So that wraps everything up. Hopefully this year would be better in terms of work or studies. I'm praying that my penultimate (does returning for grad count?) return from Sydney sinks in better and comes with less complaints. :D
I expelled a sigh of relief as I dropped those four bound papers at the student office. I was too tired though, to celebrate. I looked at Fini with weary eyes and we agreed that a nap was just what we needed. What started out as a short rest turned to 5 hours of deep sleep. Sweet.
It's been four days since I submitted my thesis. What have I done so far? I have no idea. The hours seem to pass like a bullet train. I've been sleeping more, eating more, watching movies, dating and amusing myself with random thoughts of future endeavours.
I probably should start studying accounts pretty soon. And of course reread the journals for my interview. Le Sigh.
You know what I really really want to do? I want to sit in cafes, order a hot cup of Chai Latte and pore over a really good book. Then I want to draw up ideas of the farewell party we're planning. And also write little journal entries of the plans I want to carry out in the years to come.
Holy Crap. Why can't I just work hard? WHY WHY WHY. Watch me lose sleep this next three days. Yeah right. I can't even muster up enough discipline to sit down and stare at my messed up thesis. I've got truckloads of stuff to fix. Meh.
Okla. Nak makan lunch then staple myself to the laptop.
I just watched that trailer alone in the room. Twice. Both times I had fresh tears rolling down my cheeks.
Yes. A lot can happen in 12 months. I'm praying to God our feelings never change. I'm praying to God I still have you and that you'll come back to me. I'm sure you're praying I won't leave. I'm praying to God I won't. Because you never know who would say no but I'm keeping our favourite movies as inspiration to stay strong.
At this moment I'm a mess. Physically, emotionally and mentally. My estrogen levels are plummeting rapidly and I just want to sleep. But my anxiety levels keep elevating as each minute passes and my discussion warrants my attention.
Now, if only my mother could come up with a cup of coffee and a nice warm hug. If only she could just look at me and tell me, "Shaheera, just a little bit more sayang. Mummy knows you can do it." Crap. I'm sure you guys know what I'm doing now so off I go to calm myself down.
I haven't gone out in days. I haven't done anything fun (in my terms) for ages! Uh. Outdoors I mean. I suppose watching movies under covers and weeping at The Notebook doesn't count.
I've been squeezing my brain for the intro to my thesis. Who knew it would take me one day to write 2 paragraphs? And who knew 2 paragraphs wouldn't even fill up one page?
I'm permanently glued to the seat and cushions in front of my laptop. So much so that every time I stand up, the blood rushes to my butt. Crud, have you ever felt pins and needles on your tush? VERY exciting.
Oh well. I'm sending my Methods and Results tonight. And hopefully my Intro by tomorrow night. Then off to dinner with Sabby!!!! :D Can't wait!!!
Oh and for the life if me, I can't stay up or wake up early. I'm feeling stressed and tired as it is. Plus I'm having my period. Almost. It keeps coming and going. Stresses me out even more because my boobies feel like they're being run over by a steamroller.
Thank God for chocolates. oh and boyfriends. ;) He's making me eat a whole bar of dark chocolate today. Yayayyyyy! :D
I don't know if it was the evening breeze or the fact that I could feel His presence around me, but I shivered involuntarily on top of that hill.
I watched in awe as the sun slipped away, leaving traces of orange and pink footprints in the sky. I heard the soft rustling of leaves and noticed how each one moved to their own beat. I felt the warm tears roll down my cheeks a minisecond after I realised my emotions pounding on the door wanting to be released.
I thank Him for all the blessings He has given me. The many people He has lead me to. The places He's let me visit and stayed. The food I consume. The air I breathe. The love I give and receive. The many opportunities and challenges He has peppered along my path.
I ask Him to let me keep all of them, I ask Him to bestow blessings to all my loved ones. I beg of Him to never let my faith in Him waver. I will always want to thank Him and recieve His gifts.
I do feel guilty though, asking for more. I also feel guilty for giving up on my thesis. It seems like a betrayal to all those nights I prayed so hard to get into Honours. But I will turn this around. I will try my very best to put in as much as effort as I KNOW I can give. After all, I shouldn't shortchange myself. I know I can be more than mediocre if I wanted to. :)
Just got back from one of those CMB seminars. Fini's supe gave a presentation on his work and his *ahem* wedding. :) I really like seeing the way he presents. Not at all dull. Everything he said sounded so appealing. The research group he was with, the promising projects they were working on, the simple experiments he conducted and all that traveling and fresh new atmosphere. Not to mention that I find the science interesting. Yes, I'm still a science geek after all.
That's just it. It always sounds so appealing on paper, in pictures, through spoken words. In truth, when you get down to the nitty gritty of things, when you're in between everything, the glimmer fades.
I've always been amused with a researcher's life. Spotting my supe's sports car and counting the amount of countries they've visited (whether for work or play) made me hold on to the notion of better things to come. But of course, I managed to be disillusioned by all the fabulous things and miss all the hard work and all that brain picking. It's much like wanting to be a pop star and having their wealth without actually having much talent or willingness to put up with training. And seriously, just because you take voice lessons doesn't make you Whitney Houston.
What's the conclusion here. I don't know. Make it up yourself. It's either: A) you need hard work to get what you want in life. B) don't be conned by the highs of a certain career if you're not willing to put up with the lows. C) find and choose something you'd WANT to put up with, highs AND lows. D) you will never be Whitney Houston. EVER.
Ahaaa! another flashback! Please don't follow the advice of Ms Houston. If you understand the lyrics that is. If you're just taking the words from the chorus then fine. Go ahead. Your partner would cair most definitely.
If I could drop everything and run away, I would do so without thinking twice. I am sick of you honours, you don't fill my soul with any happiness at all. I am not cut out for you so quit making my life hell.
Shaheera Djafar, the only reason honours is being a bitch to you is because you don't want to be on friendly terms with it.
Oh shut up Miss Patronise.
Last friday I was in a room full of scientists. Ideas and questions were being thrown around. The moment they started I heard a loud *PING* in my head. Much like a microwave signalling that your reheating is done. That sound indicated how I realised this just isn't what the future holds for me. I've tried so hard to follow it and to fight the doubts but it just doesn't make me happy.
And then of course, the guilt, the anger and the disappointment flooded in. Why did I do honours? Why can't I just be good at it? Why can't I have enough motivation to finish what I started? Why can't I feel the urge to publish papers or accomplish much much more? Here I am giving mediocre a try. And here I am pushing what I need to do further behind.
I can't. You make me feel empty. You make me shake in anger. You make me restless and anxious. I just. CAN'T.
Frig. Frigfrigfrig. Sigh.
Dah dah la tu Shaheera Djafar. Silalah ke Lab dan siapkan practise thesis anda.
I was so semangat doing another run for my biofilms when I fell sick halfway through. I kept shivering in lab, my bottom half felt like it was about to unscrew itself and my head was as heavy as lead. So I went home and let the fever consume me.
Thanks to my friends, I'm feeling better now. :D
I'm still coughing though. Like heavy, congested coughs filled with phlegm. And my throat is uber itchy. Come scratch me? :P The phlegm tastes like how recently photocopied paper smells.
Last night mamochka gave me a loooong motivational speech. She's so cute. I miss her so much. Thank you mummy, I love you!
When you tell some people that they're good at something, they start believing and embracing that trait. That's all well and good when they actually ARE good at it. It gives them the motivational push to be who they're meant to be. But what if they're not actually that good to begin with? Like what if we were only being supportive and not 100% honest? Somehow, the word embarrassing comes to mind. And disillusioned.
The past 2 weeks have been madness. I've failed at doing my experiments simultaneously with my social life. Social la sangat.
There was Tong where I danced to Wondergirls. It was embarrassing but we all know how much I LOVE making an ass out myself.
There was NCG where I had to help Mo with registration. I was SO tired that night I slept for around 13 hours. At least I got to indulge in some eye candy. :P
Then there was WLDU. I didn't help out much here. Just a lil bit here and there. It was pretty awesome. Then we went to watch Flop Poppy busk on George Street till the wee hours of the morning.
It is clear that I've neglected my project. But my chitin beads aren't here yet. But I suppose I SHOULD do ze practise thesis now. Ah crud. Okay. Since there's nothing else on after this, I SHOULD be able to concentrate now. Yes. I think I'll do that.
Here's a couple of 80s hits for you:
This song makes me guilty as hell because it has the word Diane in it. :B
By ordering a kilo of mussels with a side of french fries and mayo. I didn't finish my mussels but I think I've gone over my monthly quota of cholesterol. :D I also managed to cap everything with dark hot chocolate frm Max Brenner. Am I a glutton or what? :P
What better way to chase the blues away than by frittering away your money. Not only did I indulge in dinner, I also bought a pair of wool blend tights from Myers and some awesome goodies from Sugar Fix. Yes. Sugar Fix is my happy place. I wanted to get them Reese's Clusters but they were too expensive. :(
Oh Butterfinger, you are my saviour!
Oh oh, and I think the BESTEREST part of tonight was, laughing really long and hard at Max B with Jams, Yai, Ainul and Sab. I'm telling you, I haven't laughed that wholeheartedly in a VERY long time. Must've been the sugar high. Thank you SO SOOOO much guys! :D
Ah. So tomorrow it's back to work and lab! Yaaaayy rasa happy nak balik kerja! :D Yes, because I took today off. ;)
I really don't know how you do it. Working 12 hours a day. Everyday. Then you come home and help the kids with their homework or play with them. Some of you may even cook and clean. I really don't know HOW you do it.
Because here I am, on the verge of tears, with aching shoulders and a heavy heart.
It's all fine and dandy IN the lab or OUT with the friends. It's the end of the day that sucks. Knowing you have to shower first and blow dry your hair and wake up early to prepare lunch/dinner/berbuka and do some work. Wishing you had someone to unknot all the tension in your shoulders. Or rub your back. Or stroke your hair before you sleep.
Maybe it just takes some getting used to. Or maybe my estrogen levels are still low. DAMN YOU HORMONES! Be strong Woman! *smack*
I want some Risoles please? Thank you.
I'm so tired of this. Not THIS this, the OTHER this. The whole Karma thing has stopped being funny. I know it's fair but really? (Yakin je fair) How long do I have to wait? Argh. Okay, I zip it. And please, don't judge me after you read this. You have NO IDEA what I'm talking about so DON'T ASSUME. Spanks.
Sometimes I feel like there's so much to write here. But it seems that all my thoughts lately are mostly complaints or too personal and deep for public. And of course, I haven't had the time to do it.
I slept for ten hours last night. Woke up at 830 to coffee, LeSnak crackers and 2 teaspoons of Nutella. :D. Felt soooo goooood. I've been fasting and waking up late and being tired and cranky. I was and still am PMS-y. But at least waking up early and having some form of bfast helps.
Today is the final day of run number 4. Another 9 hour lab but I shall be socialising tonight. I hope. Haha. And tomorrow, I'm going to have the WHOLE day off! I'm going to go feed my soul somewhere else or at home.
Sitting on the soft grass, blanketed by the warm sun. The light is that gorgeous yellow I always rave about but never manage to retain in photographs. I wish for thousands (millions?) more of this kind of sunshine in my lifetime. The gentle breeze and a cup of coffee tops the ice cream of bliss. :)
Alhamdulillah, this week was filled with plenty of lab time n classes. Momentum is getting better and hopefully next week will be as good or better. I'm going to concentrate on unwinding today till midday tomorrow. Then it's back to work. Wish me luck!
Oh, btw, my mom has a blog. I showed it to some of my friends and they said that we both write the same way. Even my dad n brother said the same thing. I really think I'm turning out to be more like her. I pray that when the time comes, I'll be as great a mother as she is. I love you mummy. You've been an AWESOME role model! Happy Mother's Day while I'm at it. :P
I'm so sorry but I will have to pump you with caffiene this next week. And also instant food. Please bear with me? I promise I'll give you a nice culinary treat next Wednesday and if you're lucky, something coffee free. :)
And don't be so stressed out even if you need to be. I promise I'll play happy songs all the way.
Today's rainfall marked the seasonal change we've been waiting for. Well, I don't know if YOU'VE been waiting for it. I'm sure with extreme heat waves in Summer, wet days are more than welcome now. And I kind of like sitting at my desk and listening to the rain while drinking something hot.
Now the only problem is that I dont have an umbrella.
I have a presentation tomorrow. I have a mid session quiz next week. I haven't really started my experiment yet.
And here I am listening to the Kids Incorporated take on "The King of Wishful Thinking" on replay. I think I'm going to sing that the next time I karaoke. Huh huh huh.
Oh wow. It must really be something to stare at this blog and feel unsatisfied with everything I've written. Mrrfhh.
Sigh. I'm sorry, but the post I promised you has not been written. My mind is saturated with paintings and adjectives used to describe artwork. My 3000 word assignment is due tomorrow. Double sigh.
I really hope this phase turns over SOON. I don't know how much more of it I can take.
I am going to embark on a little escapade this weekend.
Somehow, all the brain exercise has been quite appreciated. It takes my mind off the fact that I am craving attention at such atrocious levels. I'm so sorry, I just feel deprived sometimes. Or maybe I'm ovulating? But that doesn't explain why I demand my mom talk to me even when she's half asleep on the bed. Hmm.
I'm so glad I have such a great family. My brother ensures that I never feel lonely and my parents mostly cater to my whims and fancies. Maybe because I demand far less than I used to. Please count the days I stayed at home this summer. Shocking innit? And I've discovered that it used to either make me extremely upset or scared whenever a parent gets angry, but now I just let them vent out anyway they can without as much as a raised eyebrow. Just as long as they don't hit me or veer off the road, I couldn't be bothered. It's therapeutic to stare daggers and forcefully throw around laundry.
I still have assignments. I am simply inept at this sort of thing. Everyone makes it seem like just because I like to ramble on, it's easy to describe how I feel about a painting. As if words will easily tumble out of my mind when asked to reflect about the various paintings I chose that correlates with my project artwork.
If only I managed to live up to people's expectations. I wouldn't feel so shoddy then.
Well. I'll try to do something worthwhile. I want to embark on secret projects. Just as long as I don't get pillaged on the way.
Wait. Have I ceased to make sense? Yes? Good. My job here is done. Toodles.
It even has a compartment for jam pots! I think I'm in love with it. Sigh.
I've started summer classes. The course is called Physical Fitness and Health. Hahaha. I got brainwashed into taking a 20 minute walk this evening. I didn't know how beautiful the view was from the top of Middle Street until today. Although it was gloomy, the fact that you can see the Sydney skyline on one side and the airport on the other, just made me stop and fully consume the scenery.
I'm craving for some nice macarons and iced chocolate. Tee Hee.
A dash of Disney, a sprinkle of pop punk, lashings of sweet treats, a pinch of superheroes, bundles of laughter and a tinge of crankyness.
All wrapped up in a pretty package that resembles the Cookie Monster.
Also self proclaimed Princess of Le Cupcake Kingdom
People I love. Music. Sweet treats. Singing animals. Movies. Princes. Books. Fables. Hindustan Heroes.
Sinks my Ship
Rude people working in hospitality and sales. Long queues. Idiots CUTTING long queues. People who Patronise.
Wishlist
To finally figure out what I'm meant to do. To travel the world. To eat anything without gaining ungodly amounts of weight. To get my happily ever after. :)
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