I'm gonna make this quick coz I'm supposed to be asleep by now. :B
These past few days have been quite magical. Not the whimsical sort that transports you to faerie-land but more of the unbelievable and genuinely incredible sort.
Had a heartfelt discussion with my sweethearts from High School and I'm still floored by how sweet they were with what I had to share. Thank you girls. I love you loads! :)
One of my friends had finally made a well thought out choice. Congratulations hun! Good luck with the future. Seems to look pretty lovely to me. ;)
Met some of my Sydney friends and a short catch-up with Erin left me quite content and happy with my choice. You have no idea babe, how much those words meant to me. How you said that what I'm doing is my strong point and that at the end of the day, what matters is that you're happy and you're enjoying what you're doing. I applaud how you're able to just go with the flow and not think too hard and too much about things that would complicate your life. Thank you for sharing that with me Erin. :)
And the best thing, is realising just exactly why I'm with my man. How God is at the center of our relationship and that He is the reason we're together until today. I know it's still a lot to ask for and that I'm nothing but a tiny grain of sand in this vast space and world but I keep on praying for the best from Him.
I'm glad I can be there for you honeybee, just like how you've been there for me. :-*
Okay off to bed now. Tomorrow is a FULL day. Le Sigh. Toods!
I wish I could open my own cafe like Whisk one day. I think great things happen at cosy cafes. People write epic stories, they fall in love, heal a broken heart, close business deals, make new friends and accumulate a wealth of knowledge (whether it's by eavesdropping, reading or conversing with other people).
You've definitely got to have good coffee and awesome food. A nice atmosphere is essential too. Sigh. I really wish I could set one up and I do believe some of my gfs would love to do so too.
I've been listening to Lady Antebellum's Need You Now. It's the nice kind of emo. As in it isn't as depressing as a certain mister Blunt. :B
I'm not sure if I'm doing things right and I do know that things aren't peachy but somehow, I feel like sticking around. I guess it has something to do with watching my girls speak up more in class, a certain boy catching up with his friends and letting my babies go onto the next level. The amount of pride surpasses everything I've done so far. These are people's lives we're talking about. It's not personal gain or running the rat race. It's watching kids grow.
I do have to be honest, there are the bad eggs as well who try as I might, can't seem to grow up and are just adamant about being ignorant. There's also my own performance of course. I will never be able to be on par with the seniors and at times tend to struggle with executing my plans. However, it's the tiny improvement I see in myself day by day that makes me strive to keep on going. Sometimes it's a matter of one step ahead and two steps back but it's still a challenge to myself to see how far I can go. I do realise that I may not really be the best for this job but God knows I'm trying REALLY hard. This time I can safely say I mean it.
Oh My I Didnt Know I had to APPROVE Comments! Sorry! :B
Back again after another long hiatus. I haven't blogged partially because I have this fear that one of my superiors might google me and land on this space. We wouldn't want them to catch me moaning in agony or screaming bloody murder, would we?
I've had my what, fourth infection in the past two months. I had ulcers on my throat. Yes. THROAT. I got really upset at first then I got really fascinated and obsessed. I kept persuading people to look at my throat but they'd politely refuse. Hmph. You don't know what you're missing. I'm better now if you're wondering, Alhamdulillah.
My best friend got hitched. Congrats Faezah! :D Solehah just got engaged this morning. Ah another one bites the dust. Congrats!
I am slowly starting to HATE the person I've become. I've lost count of the amount of people who get upset with me. This includes family, friends and colleagues. I disappoint them continuously every single day and I'm quite sick of it.
It's okay you know, having separate lines for your separate lives just so long as they're parallel and whenever they interact they don't get tangled up. My lines look like Kolzac had run through and made them into a spherical mass coated with cat saliva and fur balls. My body is filled with so much negative energy it would make Darth Vader proud.
I don't know what's the point of writing this down. Doesn't feel therapeutic anymore. Maybe because once I log off, things are the same. Tomorrow someone else will get upset with me and the next day someone would wish they could strangle me. And all the while I'd wish I were somewhere else alone. But no, they'd find a way to get me and inject huge amounts of guilt into my head and heart that I'd have to come home where the same cycle would continue. If being sick didn't make it stop nothing probably will. Oh WELL.
I just want people to understand me and leave me alone.
After all these years I do realise why I have to go through the same situations over and over again. At first I thought it was a cruel joke but I now know that it's because I'm meant to learn something from these dilemmas and grow some set of balls to face it in the future.
Well, it's safe to say that I have. Hoho. Well at least I think I have. *check pants*
I used to get really upset earlier and equate myself to a failure at being the better option. I used to beat myself up about it, thinking that I didn't have what it took to distract them. Now i know that it's not enough to find solace in someone or something healthier, it's also essential that you acknowledge, understand and accept that the lesser of the options is not good for you. Only then, can you take the plunge and forget about it. And believe me, it takes awhile for this to sink in. All the third party has to do is wait and not allow themselves to be part of the problem. It's no use fitting yourself into the predicament because trust me, you have NOTHING to do with it.
So there you have it. It just hit me that what I've cried over for the past six years has made me able to face this with a smile, a sigh and plenty of patience.
To those on the other end of the spectrum, hey, it's not the end of the world. Look ahead. The road is paved with plenty of good things. Just don't keep glancing back because then, you wouldn't be able to enjoy the ride. :)
I am feeling a little bit helpless. You see, the bf just told me about how we're meant to pray to God. He says that yes, it is still up to Him to grant our wishes or not but even if He did, it doesn't neccessarily mean it's for the best and whether it's with His full blessing or not.
Just because you ask for something a million times, when the time comes for Him to fulfill those prayers, it doesn't mean that you actually deserve what you get. Which is why, sometimes those things you ask for don't work out and end up causing more heartache. Apparently, you have to end all your prayers with something that indicates you leave it all to Him and hope that it's given with His blessings.
This made me feel less than hopeful. All this time, I've been praying so hard for some things, to the point of tears and when I got them, they were not what I had imagined. Example: Honours. Enough said. What made me scared was that I'm praying so hard for this relationship and if He grants what I want, it would only be short-lived because maybe I'm only meant to be with this guy now, not in the future. Yes. This scares the bejeezus out of me.
I do remember though, the last time I left everything to God and told him that I would accept whatever He thought was best for me, I ended up with this guy. So that made me a tiny bit relieved. But that still doesn't confirm that I'll have him forever. :( Sigh.
However, I did alot of thinking and I realised that no matter what you end up getting, even if the results are undesirable, if you have absolute faith that it's for the best and you acknowledge that it wasn't meant for you, the pain and sadness will be shortlived because something better will come your way.
Just a gentle reminder for those who like to mooch at their friends or relatives' place:
Do your own dishes.
Wash your own clothes, or at least your undies. Your ass doesn't smell like roses.
Clean up after yourself and make sure the place looks as tidy as it was when you first arrived.
Come on. I'd rather scoop a pile of dead cockroaches swimming in dark stagnant water than have a Tarago full of people sleepover at my house without pulling their weight.
Fact: I just did this today. Why? Because I cleaned up my host's bathroom and now it looks MUCH cleaner than when I arrived. Yes. I'm bragging because I hate it when people mess up my bathroom.
And dude, it never hurt to offer to pay for groceries AT LEAST ONCE during your stay. ESPECIALLY when you've got your whole family leeching off my friggin fridge.
Yes, I'm sorry if this is a bit emo. I know I've mooched before but I never let people wash my undies or eat truckloads of their food. Sometimes I cook and bake for them too using my own money. I also buy back treats for them when I go out. And I've even gone out of my way to do THEIR laundry for them a few times. I know I could do more but it's still better than not contributing at all.
And what do you do when you have a moocher?
Forget to cook meals when you know you're not eating at home.
Don't go out of your way to please them.
Stick grocery receipts on the fridge door. At eye level. With Highlighted totals.
Leave notes to ask if they can help. Like "oh no! I forgot to wash the toilet today! Can you help me please? Thanks!". Sometimes moochers are willing to help if asked.
So there you go. Some tips for moochers and those being mooched. Hopefully, those leeches will grow a set of balls and stop being a nuisance to other people. Word.
I had a discussion recently about how you can overcome so many things when you set your mind to something. We exchanged stories on how powerful the human psyche is and how miracles can happen if you push yourself hard enough.
Now please forgive me if this isn't an exact account of the story. I heard it from someone else who read it somewhere. Scepticism is understood and forgiven.
There's a story of this person who was diagnosed with cancer and had only a month to live. He didn't want to die so he researched and read his way through scientific steps to rid himself of his illness. He stocked up on positive energy, be it from people or music or lectures. He discarded the negative vibes which included friends who pitied him and didn't believe that he would make it. Every day he would imagine fighting the cancer cells in his brain. He envisioned every single process down to the chemicals needed to disable the unstoppable mutants. He took everything he learned and mentally performed these reactions in his head to make sure he got better. After a month he went for his checkup. The doctors couldn't believe their eyes when they saw the tumour was gone. They checked everything and he wasn't sick AT ALL.
Now, I'm not saying everyone who tries this will surely survive. Our fate is still in the hands of God. But this just illustrates how amazing our own willpower and faith is and how capable we are to change our lives.
I'm a big believer in faith, willpower and prayers. I am sure from my innermost core that if you ask for something important from God sincerely without ulterior motives and you have utmost faith that God will grant you what is best for all parties, things will fall into place and get better. As long as this is constant, InsyAllah you will be rewarded because He is fair and just after all. :)
It's all matter of faith. Be it in a Divine Being or yourself or both.
I would just like to demonstrate to you how moodswings work. Notice previous post and the lethargy that ensued the following day. Now see this huge grin on my face today, a product of a cute conversation with mother dearest (she was laughing at why I'm not matured and yet not at home in her arms) and today's outing with the boy (who kept making me see my strong points) where I finally got a planner and Boost juice yay!
Aaaannnd this: Ngahahahahaha. Now that demonstrates how much I look like her. Trust me when I say, my moodswings are also from her. Muahaha. But she's better now, that's for sure. :D Something about transsumthin meditation..hoho. Oh and I still wear that shirt to go out. It's comfy!
As you can see. I'm absolutely chipper. A far cry from the weekend's sobfest. But let's not celebrate too early yeah. Another thing about moodswings is that it'll flip back anyyytime..:D
Okay. My bowels are doing the fandango. And I'm watching Elle Woods. So Toodles!
You know sometimes I go off on this ranting tangent in my head where I zoom in on a problem and let out all my anger or hurt at it. Most times it can even get physical up there in my mind.
One thing I picture myself doing is hitting something with a baseball bat or pitching the baseball at something (or someone). Regardless of the fact that I've NEVER played baseball my entire life. Hee.
Another favourite fantasy of mine is running amok with a mosquito racquet. You know what that is? That racquet that holds instead of strings, wires that conduct electricity and are designed to fry flying insects that get caught in it. Don't ask me why. I just like the thought of zapping people who get on my nerves or at least scare them in the process. :D
Sigh. It's one of those gloomy days where you feel like suddenly everything is wrong with you. How come she doesn't love me anymore? Why isn't he talking to me? How come I don't have any real talent? Why don't I have any dreams?
Oh, but I DID watch The Princess and the Frog. YAYYYYY! I cried of course. It would be totally uncharacteristic of me to not cry. Sigh. Disney is still teaching little girls that true love can happen in a day or two. But I suppose when you go through so much catastrophe in that same time, you tend to bond well with the person you're sharing it with. What? I read it somewhere! I've seen it too! :B Sigh.
Oh, and le boyfriend got me the cutest card ever. It had this song in it:
Sigh. Just the man I need. One who understands and supports this weird obsession with being a Disney princess. Hahaha.
I miss the person you used to be. The one who looked at me through tears in their eyes and let me help pick things up. The one who would listen to my worries over a cup of coffee. The one who gave their full support and doled out great advice. I miss that. I wonder what mistakes I made to make you do a one eighty. And still, everyday I pray you turn back. Because I still need you and your prayers.
Faezah is totally right when she says, there are some things you need to keep to yourself. You don't have to share every little nitty gritty detail with your other half or your family. Don't get me wrong, it isn't lying. Just an elimination of certain technicalities. Sometimes these small points make or break a relationship. Certain images tend to burn themselves permanently into a person's mind. Thus, it is better to let sleeping dogs lie than awaken a sense of unease and awkwardness.
Can you make someone like you? Not like like. You know, just genuinely friendly like. I have made people who hate me like me. But I don't know if at this day and age it's still possible to do so. I've got the guns and the ammo, but have they got thicker armour? I wish I could make the people I genuinely like, like me back. Forever. But then again, if these people don't appreciate me even after trying, then why should I be running with that pack ever again? The ones worth keeping are the ones who don't need you to keep mending fences and accepts the whole package, even your ugly flaws.
I started 2010 by reading this year's blog posts. It was pretty interesting to note how much I TRIED to be positive but I always sunk back down to reality. Oh, and it was really nice to read everyone's comments and their support for me. I'm so thankful I've got so many friends who love me and right about now, I'm filled with guilt at neglecting these friendships. :(
I thought I'd give a rundown on the highlights of this year. The ups AND the downs. But I'll try to lean heavily on the happier side of life k? :)
February: THIS post. Because it reflects how I view myself in terms of relationships. And also because of the solid advice my friends doled out. Especially my Llama. :D
A little bit of soul searching with mummy and her friend Kris. And also a newfound way of seeing Garuda. Oh and this quote: "In general, one's purpose is so closely aligned to one's life in general so as to be unnoted and unremarkable. It's the ego that demands the Headline Purpose." I have to keep reminding myself this.
March: Hawa's birthday, a confession that changed my life and THIS letter to my friends. I still stand by my word. If you need me, I'm there. :)
April: My reprieve to Bowral. I'm still in love with that place. :) Ifan came over. Lots of Sabbytime! :D And the wonderful discovery of Zumbo macarons.
May: My fave comic of all time. No, its not Gaiman. It's Zek's! :D THIS post. Not really coz of the content but coz all the comments made my mom laugh for days.
July: Where things started to take a turn for the better. That's when I realised I had fallen in love. :) I also have a post about my brother in the drafts section. I love him to bits and pieces. :D
August: Mummy laid out some choices for me in the future. She truly is amazing and supportive. Love you!
October: This was probably the climax of the year. Wrapping up honours and contemplating my current relationship.
December: I left Sydney. :( My Llama got MARRIED. How crazy is that? :D Also had intense family bonding in Jakarta and Bandung. Auntie Ria and Uncle Irwan are awesome! :D
So that wraps everything up. Hopefully this year would be better in terms of work or studies. I'm praying that my penultimate (does returning for grad count?) return from Sydney sinks in better and comes with less complaints. :D
Great. Now I feel like I'm in limbo with everything.
Between studying and working. Between Sydney and Malaysia. Between friends and family. Between pleasing people and doing what I want. (which is pretty much loafing around learning how to sew and bake) Between emotions.
I wonder why my allergies flare up more often here. Must be Kolzac.
Still in limbo.
If you don't work hard at it, don't be surprised if one day he/she walks away. Put in everything you've got if it's what you want. Don't save your 'I Love Yous' for a rainy day because rainy days means its too late. You are repeled from going all out because it's not cool and who's to say it'll last. Well, not trying is a surefire way to ensure it won't.
Another day spent at home. I've GOT to lose this massive bulk around my waist. It came out of nowhere, I swear! It crept up on me 2 nights ago. The lack of water intake has finally caught up with me.
Oh and pms. I've been pms-ing for a week. Sore boobies and all. You'd think I'd start bleeding now. Jeez. Ok sorry. I'm just sliiiiightly agitated.
Apparently my brother likes sexy girls. Hahahaha. Ok, what guy DOESN'T like sexy girls? But of course, these sexy girls are the ones who play around and fall for bad boys. My brother may be vain and a poser but he ain't nasty. I'd rather him go for cute n slightly sexy girls rather than all out raawwrr sexy girls. Why? I don't know. I like imposing my authority on him. :D
Maybe because he once fell for one of these girls and she left him hanging while she went off with other guys. Then she came back crying to him. Wtf. Apparently she's nice. When she's alone and not with her clique. Right. 16 year olds will always act the same whichever era they're in.
Anywaaayyyy. Enough about my brother. I need to go on a diet. Pronto. But...the scrumptious risoles are calling my name from the fridge. Maybe I should PRETEND to be depressed and sad so I'll stop eating.
This post isn't really positive is it? It's still emo isn't it? Crap. Ok I think I should stop now. :B
Four more days. I really don't want to leave. I love this place so much. It's so cliched but Sydney HAS made me who I am. It's taught me so much about myself.
The Ultimate Final Farewell was too much for me to handle actually. I've been suppressing all these emotions for weeks and when I saw everyone that night I had to force myself not to cry. All I honestly wanted to do was sit in the corner and let the tears burst forth. Such is the nature of my hormones and feelings of sentiment. I even had to pinch myself in the car to stop from weeping.
Which is why I left early. Besides, playing Mafia isn't my thing. ;)
So here I am now, crying alone in the room, wishing I could stay. But I know things will never be the same with everyone going their separate ways, with life goals to pursue and money to gain.
Oh well. The end is inevitable. All you have to do is face it.
Ah, a true procrastinator will always postpone feeling emotional as long as possible. I keep telling myself (and certain people) that I don't want to even THINK about leaving Sydney (and certain people) in december. So yes, I'm procrastinating the tears till the few days before I jet set to the land of humidity and bad manners.
I shall miss the quaint cafes and the weekend markets. I shall miss Ayam Goreng 99 and Shalom. I shall miss the beaches and chocolate parlours. I shall miss walking alone to discover hidden secrets.
Wow. And not a single tear or even a slight tremble of the lips. I'm pretty awesome.
Okay, off to drench my throat with some skyjuice. Later!
Ever had people come up to you asking for advice but nothing you say seems to penetrate their cerebral cortex? You try very hard to twist your words, to sugarcoat certain elements just to make everything go down easily and yet, the bait's still on the hook?
Have you ever wondered if the problem here is not in fact the person seeking your advice, but the person GIVING it?
Sure, you're not the one trying to cope with somthing. Yeah, you're not the one in trouble. But why is it that the other person is finding it really hard to accept what you say?
The thing is, when doling out much needed advice, you have to control HOW you express yourself. If you come across as patronising or defensive, how can you expect people to listen to you? You've got to speak like you understand them and empathise with their situation. Even if you've been through it all before, don't act like its a piece of cake and degrade them.
Usually, when people you know come up to you to let out their anxiety or burning questions, you tend to get all riled up at their predicament because you care. Or coz it's about you. This tempers with your rationale and makes you give answers that are biased and EMOTIONAL. (guilty as charged). You use your heart instead if your logic. Thus, what comes out of your mouth holds absolutely no weight.
Therefore, before gritting your teeth and deeming someone as stubborn just because they won't listen to you, listen to yourself first. Would you take your own advice?
I remember reciting this line constantly to my friends till it pissed them off:
"Sorry, but I don't share".
That drew up many blank stares and raised eyebrows. I'm glad to report that I no longer harbour intense fear of catching liver disease from exchange of saliva through spoons and ice cream.
However, there are still a few things I don't share. Like my underwear (I don't think anyone WOULD want to share it though) and my boyfriend. I also selfishly like to hoard my rewards or new things I've discovered myself. Like MY portion of macarons cannot be touched by anyone else. Or that new hideaway I found will not be trampled on by other people.
One other thing I tend to be fiercely possessive about is secret events or places that I've only shared with certain people. It honestly tears me up inside when other people who don't understand the significance of said memories adopt it as their own or persuade me to allow them to join the ride. Especially if I've painstakingly took steps to keep it/them a secret.
I know it sounds really stupid and childish but I can't help myself. Sometimes I have to sit down and reassure myself that it isn't the end of the world. I repeat that some secrets are best shared like recipes for awesome cupcakes and I disregard all feelings of betrayal. And most times, those places and events discard their importance in my life.
I wonder if this post will make people understand me better or make them even more perplexed than they are now. Oh well.
I expelled a sigh of relief as I dropped those four bound papers at the student office. I was too tired though, to celebrate. I looked at Fini with weary eyes and we agreed that a nap was just what we needed. What started out as a short rest turned to 5 hours of deep sleep. Sweet.
It's been four days since I submitted my thesis. What have I done so far? I have no idea. The hours seem to pass like a bullet train. I've been sleeping more, eating more, watching movies, dating and amusing myself with random thoughts of future endeavours.
I probably should start studying accounts pretty soon. And of course reread the journals for my interview. Le Sigh.
You know what I really really want to do? I want to sit in cafes, order a hot cup of Chai Latte and pore over a really good book. Then I want to draw up ideas of the farewell party we're planning. And also write little journal entries of the plans I want to carry out in the years to come.
And just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, I happen to get both diarrhoea and bloating/gas at the same time. Woes me. I don't know if I'm hungry or I just need to fart or I need to use the loo. Make up yer mind matey!
Oh, I have also discovered that Sudoku calms my nerves and deactivates my emotional response to things. Pretty good when you're about to unleash 10 000 tears. Or melt into a pool of anger, fear and sweat. :P
Children's tears may seem like they're worth alot. Hands up who hasn't given in looking into those pools substituting as eyes? Thought so. But do remember, they can switch these things on and off to get what they want. The moment they achieve their goals, it's all sunshine and they leave you in the dust. And trust me, there's mooooreee where that came from. They forget the last time you rewarded them and are able to call upon all the times you've denied their requests. Tsk tsk. Let's take a moment of silence and grieve for all the parents out there. Especially my own. Har Har.
I want to go and do my thesis somewhere else. Some cafe that would allow me to stay for long hours and order cake and coffee. And where noone I know will walk in and distract me. Any suggestions would be good, please and thank you!
Everyone's been asking me why I haven't blogged since early September. Maybe it's because the only things I'd rather share with everyone is how sucky honours is and how much I wish I could finish fast. But that would be boring and predictable wouldn't it?
Everything else I'd rather not share because it's too personal and laughter might be at hand when viewing those thoughts. Or sarcasm. Or a morbid desire to punch me in the gut.
But here I am, just telling the world that I'm still alive and kicking. Actually, my dad made me put this up. Don't ask me why. I couldn't care less if the rest of the world thought I disappeared.
Okla. If u want updates, here they are: I got to talk to n take pics with Reza Salleh. :D I've been gorging on Raya food and home cooked meals and now my jeans are UBER (ngeh ngeh) tight. The word 'family' keeps resonating in my head much to Hawa's chagrin. I'm in love.
Anyhoo. I'll end this with an 80s flashback. Come on, you know it's the real reason you want me to update kan? huh huh huh.
A dash of Disney, a sprinkle of pop punk, lashings of sweet treats, a pinch of superheroes, bundles of laughter and a tinge of crankyness.
All wrapped up in a pretty package that resembles the Cookie Monster.
Also self proclaimed Princess of Le Cupcake Kingdom
People I love. Music. Sweet treats. Singing animals. Movies. Princes. Books. Fables. Hindustan Heroes.
Sinks my Ship
Rude people working in hospitality and sales. Long queues. Idiots CUTTING long queues. People who Patronise.
Wishlist
To finally figure out what I'm meant to do. To travel the world. To eat anything without gaining ungodly amounts of weight. To get my happily ever after. :)
Ngahahahahaha. Now that demonstrates how much I look like her. Trust me when I say, my moodswings are also from her. Muahaha. But she's better now, that's for sure. :D Something about transsumthin meditation..hoho. Oh and I still wear that shirt to go out. It's comfy!
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