I'm gonna make this quick coz I'm supposed to be asleep by now. :B
These past few days have been quite magical. Not the whimsical sort that transports you to faerie-land but more of the unbelievable and genuinely incredible sort.
Had a heartfelt discussion with my sweethearts from High School and I'm still floored by how sweet they were with what I had to share. Thank you girls. I love you loads! :)
One of my friends had finally made a well thought out choice. Congratulations hun! Good luck with the future. Seems to look pretty lovely to me. ;)
Met some of my Sydney friends and a short catch-up with Erin left me quite content and happy with my choice. You have no idea babe, how much those words meant to me. How you said that what I'm doing is my strong point and that at the end of the day, what matters is that you're happy and you're enjoying what you're doing. I applaud how you're able to just go with the flow and not think too hard and too much about things that would complicate your life. Thank you for sharing that with me Erin. :)
And the best thing, is realising just exactly why I'm with my man. How God is at the center of our relationship and that He is the reason we're together until today. I know it's still a lot to ask for and that I'm nothing but a tiny grain of sand in this vast space and world but I keep on praying for the best from Him.
I'm glad I can be there for you honeybee, just like how you've been there for me. :-*
Okay off to bed now. Tomorrow is a FULL day. Le Sigh. Toods!
I'm thankful for the girlfriends I have. Somehow, in their presence I feel safe. I don't know if they realise it or not but they're the sweetest people I know. They make fun of you yes, but they do it to your face and it's never in a mean way.
No backstabbing, no prejudice, no disrespect.
These are the ones I want to keep, InsyAllah forever.
Thank you, loves. I do believe you'd know who you are. :)
I started 2010 by reading this year's blog posts. It was pretty interesting to note how much I TRIED to be positive but I always sunk back down to reality. Oh, and it was really nice to read everyone's comments and their support for me. I'm so thankful I've got so many friends who love me and right about now, I'm filled with guilt at neglecting these friendships. :(
I thought I'd give a rundown on the highlights of this year. The ups AND the downs. But I'll try to lean heavily on the happier side of life k? :)
February: THIS post. Because it reflects how I view myself in terms of relationships. And also because of the solid advice my friends doled out. Especially my Llama. :D
A little bit of soul searching with mummy and her friend Kris. And also a newfound way of seeing Garuda. Oh and this quote: "In general, one's purpose is so closely aligned to one's life in general so as to be unnoted and unremarkable. It's the ego that demands the Headline Purpose." I have to keep reminding myself this.
March: Hawa's birthday, a confession that changed my life and THIS letter to my friends. I still stand by my word. If you need me, I'm there. :)
April: My reprieve to Bowral. I'm still in love with that place. :) Ifan came over. Lots of Sabbytime! :D And the wonderful discovery of Zumbo macarons.
May: My fave comic of all time. No, its not Gaiman. It's Zek's! :D THIS post. Not really coz of the content but coz all the comments made my mom laugh for days.
July: Where things started to take a turn for the better. That's when I realised I had fallen in love. :) I also have a post about my brother in the drafts section. I love him to bits and pieces. :D
August: Mummy laid out some choices for me in the future. She truly is amazing and supportive. Love you!
October: This was probably the climax of the year. Wrapping up honours and contemplating my current relationship.
December: I left Sydney. :( My Llama got MARRIED. How crazy is that? :D Also had intense family bonding in Jakarta and Bandung. Auntie Ria and Uncle Irwan are awesome! :D
So that wraps everything up. Hopefully this year would be better in terms of work or studies. I'm praying that my penultimate (does returning for grad count?) return from Sydney sinks in better and comes with less complaints. :D
I would like to take this opportunity to extend my apologies to you for all the things that I have done that might have hurt you whether with intention or otherwise.
I know I may have not been the best of friends with most of you this year. I might have retreated further into my shell than I had intended to. Thank you though, for sticking by. I might have also been too busy floating amongst the clouds, blamed for getting caught up in the whirlwind of sweet romance. I don't apologise for falling in love, but I do apologise for neglecting certain friendship duties and for discarding former company.
Perhaps I should have worked harder in maintaining that cheerful rapport we used to share. Or perhaps I should have just dropped the occasional 'Hi, wat's up dawg?' in the inbox. Perhaps I should have called more often to convey my feelings of gratitude for loving me, even if by default.
All these 'perhaps' will not do me any good. As the year draws to a close, I feel the impending urge to re-strengthen these bonds. To reel back in lost comrades, victims of my carefree and selfish attitude. To at least show those who have really stuck by, how much they mean to me. :)
Woo Hoo finally got to meet my munchkin Faezah! She wrote a really cute blogpost about me. Love her to bits and pieces and it was truly kick-ass to be able to meet you again after almost 2 years sweets. :D
Now, if only Elizah Adam was there to complete the awesome threesome...miss you!
Man, Faezah is exactly like how I remembered her. The laugh, her expressions, her values. But you see streaks of maturity (or so she claims) in there somewhere, and am I proud of her. I'm also absolutely happy that she's found someone she's blissfully in love and comfortable with. Good luck hun!
And tomorrow my lovely ladies are going to take me out for lunch. Or something equivalent to it. I think Izzy's planning with Fatin and consulting Alin. So yeah. I'm just gonna kick back and let them decide for me. Ngahaha.
Okay, off to shower then sleep! :)
ps: she said I'm less cranky. SCORE! maybe coz I'm on Cloud 9 :D
Ahh. back on home soil with a new blogskin to boot!
Gives me extra incentive to start blogging again. I promise it won't be AS emo as before. I'm not saying it won't be emo at all. Just a tad bit saner. hoho.
Had such an awesome time at Liyana and Shah's wedding. My god my baby Llama is a WIFE! Who would've thought ten years ago that she would be the first one of us to wed? I'm super happy for her though. She got herself a great guy and seems so blissful with her newly appointed status. Here's to many years of happiness to you and your new husband sweetie! :D
Oh, and did you see my friends? How gorgeous are they? Supergorjes right? Btw, Husna, Fatin and Alea are single. So if you want their numbers just go and nudge them through my FB. :D
If I were to kiss Liyana would that mean that she's cheating on her husband? Hmm.
Off to Jakarta and Bandung with the family this friday. Can't wait for more intense bonding sessions. And more FOOD. And massages. Hoho.
ps: But you, my honeybee, are always on my mind. Every corner of my conciousness is occupied by thoughts of you. Miss you! XOXO.
Four more days. I really don't want to leave. I love this place so much. It's so cliched but Sydney HAS made me who I am. It's taught me so much about myself.
The Ultimate Final Farewell was too much for me to handle actually. I've been suppressing all these emotions for weeks and when I saw everyone that night I had to force myself not to cry. All I honestly wanted to do was sit in the corner and let the tears burst forth. Such is the nature of my hormones and feelings of sentiment. I even had to pinch myself in the car to stop from weeping.
Which is why I left early. Besides, playing Mafia isn't my thing. ;)
So here I am now, crying alone in the room, wishing I could stay. But I know things will never be the same with everyone going their separate ways, with life goals to pursue and money to gain.
Oh well. The end is inevitable. All you have to do is face it.
Everyone's been asking me why I haven't blogged since early September. Maybe it's because the only things I'd rather share with everyone is how sucky honours is and how much I wish I could finish fast. But that would be boring and predictable wouldn't it?
Everything else I'd rather not share because it's too personal and laughter might be at hand when viewing those thoughts. Or sarcasm. Or a morbid desire to punch me in the gut.
But here I am, just telling the world that I'm still alive and kicking. Actually, my dad made me put this up. Don't ask me why. I couldn't care less if the rest of the world thought I disappeared.
Okla. If u want updates, here they are: I got to talk to n take pics with Reza Salleh. :D I've been gorging on Raya food and home cooked meals and now my jeans are UBER (ngeh ngeh) tight. The word 'family' keeps resonating in my head much to Hawa's chagrin. I'm in love.
Anyhoo. I'll end this with an 80s flashback. Come on, you know it's the real reason you want me to update kan? huh huh huh.
I watched my sister's keeper last night. MAN, it's so depressing. I kept crying even when I told myself to stop. It's not fair Llama didn't cry at ALL!!! mehhhh..
Ah llama being here is good for ze soul. Apparently I'm more manja when she's around. Coz she's manja with me! Honest! She's just macho in front of strangers!
Justifying my actions by being defensive is probably not a good idea.
I think I'm going to have an ice cream/treat truck at my wedding. Ole!
Jeez. I'm getting more boring by the moment. Oh well.
Now if you're feeling depressed, here's something you could look into. It's an article my buddy Zek wrote adressing a charity which aids people with depression. It also contains his two cents worth of what it means to be depressed and how to counter it. We've all been there. I've been there and back again. I'm not fully over my hatred for honours but other things in my life have overrun that bitterness. I'm glad at least that I have a lot of things outside lab that make me happy. It keeps the stress levels in check.
So my dear sweetheart, the one who's still depressed. As you read this, I hope u understand that it all will pass. I know with all my heart that you can finish what you're doing now and excel. We're always there for you. You're stronger and more disciplined than you think. You're smarter too. I wish you could see all those positive words your supervisor has given to you. I wish you could realise that you're way ahead of the thesis game compared to everyone else. I also wish you'd see that you've already got the upper hand with your conference scheduled and a potential publication in your hands. Even if it all doesn't work out or you fall short, just think of all the experience you gained and at least enjoy the fact that you made it through shit and you got to spend an extra year in Sydney with us. :)
I was waiting for the bus in front of the hospital for 45 minutes. I was cold, tired and my head was pounding. I look down to see the honey we bought at Balmain markets had spilled all over my groceries. I got really pissed off so I decided to just walk home. At 1045 pm. The moment I left the bus stop I started crying really badly. After a few minutes I saw TWO 400 buses going past me. TWO! wadafak? Of course, I cried even harder. I'm talking deep heaving sobs here.
Then I went over to Unit 39. Had some food and a LOOOONGG convo with Erin. Made me laugh and smile again. Did I hear someone say moodswings??
Man, I'm such a weirdo.
In actual fact, I had such a lovely day yesterday with Hawa and Anas. It's been AGES since I last hung out with them outside. We went to Balmain, bought some Zumbo cakes (SEDAP GILA), walked to Rozelle, ate a super late lunch, went back to the city and looked at a couple of interior design exhibitions. FUN! :D
Oh well. Now it's back to the grind. Oh wait, I have a bday thingy to attend to. Even though malas nak mati. Sigh. Ok kena masak now bye.
It's been a dreadful weekend. Goodbyes were whispered and tears were shed.
One of the best Malaysian directors of all time passed away. Many of my friends had the opportunity to meet her and talk to her about various subjects. Many more idolised her. Al-Fatihah to Yasmin Ahmad, may God bless you in the afterlife as well. You will be dearly missed by fans everywhere.
The grey skies embraced MH122 as it made its way back to home soil, carrying a very special friend of mine. Jams left for good and even though I know I'll be seeing her InsyAllah in December, the fact that I will never get to go up to her room and have long, sweet girly talks with her at night makes my heart ache a little more than it should. I will truly miss being 'manja' with her and having her comfort me when I feel sad. She's been a truly awesome friend and these few months without her would definitely feel different and strange.
I love you Nurul Ili Jamaluddin. :D
Great. Honestly, I can't imagine going back for good. Leaving this wonderful life behind. Cooking and eating with my girls. Sleepovers and movie nights. Adventures to new cafes and suburbs. Plenty of laughs and pictures. I know I'll never get a chance to do all that again because this chapter will have to end to make room for new ones. How disappointing.
You know what? I'll miss you guys the most: Hawa, Fini, May, Erin, Kak Long and of course, Jams Everyone else has come and gone this past 4 years but you 6 girls have been with me from the moment my life started here in Sydney. I love you lots and lots.
Oh and Sabby, you get special mention too. Because you managed to help pull me up from depression this year. For that, I thank you. And of course for everything else. :) Love you too!
(sebab jiwang and pms and mengada and time for a 90s flashback! :D)
Right before she left, Eef served us these babies with some coffee. They're called Stroopwafels and I fell head over heels for them. Like seriously. This is my new obsession. Crispy waffles with caramel/toffee in between. Gloriously delish when warmed up in the toaster oven. Martina says we can get them at the Deli in Randwick. I read on google you can get it in Woolies. So if u see me there, please direct me to the Netherlands food aisle. Thanks. :)
I really am going to miss Eef. She sits right next to me in lab. She's nice although she can be a bit kiasu too sometimes. But I like her coz she's kinda cute. And coz she gave me cookies. :P She's been married for 3 years and she came here to do her phD for 4 months because her husband is here and she couldn't 'miss him for 6 months'. Awwww. She cycles everyday from Annandale to UNSW and vice versa. That's like cycling from Subang to SS2. I think. Haha.
I'm writing here because I'm trying to keep myself sane and positive. You win some, you lose some. You don't get ice cream with HC and Bapok but you get Stroopwafels from Eef. You don't get bowling, MJ appreciation and Cranium but you get to eat Pad Thai and come home before 2am.
Meh. What a sour tradeoff. Oh except for the Stroopwafels. Those are the SHIZNIT. I'd eat them everyday if I could! Yummaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy!!! :D
Oh, and Anne is also leaving. She's going on a 6 months/1 year break. She's going to travel all over Australia and South America. JEALOUS! Haha. But I'm sure she deserves the break. Can't wait to do that too. I'm so taking a 6 month break after honorrea.
Ahh Stroopwafelsssss......wonder if they can get em in Germany..hmm. I just read a list of Dutch desserts and am drooling now.
Today started off good. I hope it stays this way til the day wraps up. :)
You know, one good thing that comes out of being mostly sad, angry and/or stressed is that even miniscule good events make you happy. Like sleeping in or having a stranger smile and say hello. It makes you appreciate the tiny things more I suppose.
Or, I could just be experiencing moodswings that will tip back to bi*ch mode soon enough. Juuuust Kidding! :D
Hey you, do you have someone you love that you haven't talked to for ages? Go ahead, give them a call. Ask them how they are, make them laugh and tell them you were thinking of them and just wanted to tell them you love them. Works wonders. For the BOTH of you. :) If you have more time or effort, write a letter or a postcard. Handwritten stuff is worth more than emails. ;)
Adoi. Sakit perut gelak watching this okay? Hahahahaha. So cute and semangat! :D I can't believe how ayu he is! :P He's improved in this one:
And I have the bestest, most supportive friends ever. Llama I love you SO much. Thank you for those sweet words. And Congrats to Fatin for getting Four Flat! :D
By ordering a kilo of mussels with a side of french fries and mayo. I didn't finish my mussels but I think I've gone over my monthly quota of cholesterol. :D I also managed to cap everything with dark hot chocolate frm Max Brenner. Am I a glutton or what? :P
What better way to chase the blues away than by frittering away your money. Not only did I indulge in dinner, I also bought a pair of wool blend tights from Myers and some awesome goodies from Sugar Fix. Yes. Sugar Fix is my happy place. I wanted to get them Reese's Clusters but they were too expensive. :(
Oh Butterfinger, you are my saviour!
Oh oh, and I think the BESTEREST part of tonight was, laughing really long and hard at Max B with Jams, Yai, Ainul and Sab. I'm telling you, I haven't laughed that wholeheartedly in a VERY long time. Must've been the sugar high. Thank you SO SOOOO much guys! :D
Ah. So tomorrow it's back to work and lab! Yaaaayy rasa happy nak balik kerja! :D Yes, because I took today off. ;)
This was done by my Jedi Master, Zek. I'm guessing he was inspired by one of my dreams where a dude who was hitting on me, drew me a comic with the exact same title. Hahaha. I totally love it! Thanks Zek! Loves yous! :D
What does it mean to have half your friends suffer from mental problems? No, I'm not trying to be funny. Most of us have been actually diagnosed by qualified professionals, be it counselors or GPs.
The two most common mental disorders among young adults are Anxiety Attacks and Depression. I do realise it's a bit hard to grasp and I'm sure some people think we're just being annoying or attention seeking by complaining about our problems and such. Unfortunately, this is serious business and it's REAL. It must be, since we get affected badly physiologically.
I don't know if all people our age go through it or it just so happens that my friends are burdened more than others. Is it the fact that we're away from home? Is it because uni here is too tough? Is it because we tend to take on too many additional responsibilites?
But whatever your problems, it's okay to seek help. To ask for guidance. For love. For understanding. I can give you ALL the hugs you need. I probably need it too. And remember, you're not alone in facing this and it will always get better. Where else is there to go, if not up, when you hit rock bottom? ;)
ps: on a side note, I keep picturing myself performing on stage with my pusher and my jedi master. We'd play all my fave powerpop/ pop punk songs. I'd be in summery outfits with flowers in my hair. Oh Bliss. :D pps: top pick for this week = Jamie All Over by Mayday Parade. :)
One of the many things I've learnt from hanging out with Sab is to be absolutely comfortable with yourself.
To put it simply, I shouldn't be ashamed of my principles and how I act. As long as I'm not harming anyone or going on the path to self destruction, I should be fine.
What gets me though is when people start to question my thoughts on things and reassure me that I'm not being myself. Or that they subtly tell me I should change in order to please them or other people. Please, even if I WAS once like how you percieve me to be, I may not be the same person now. And really, why are you friends with me if you want me to be less dorky or thinner or more open minded or whatever other stupid nonsense you want me to be moulded into?
I should take a page out of Daddy's book and be so comfortable in my own skin that noone should faze me. And I should NEVER feel guilty if I say no to guys. Hah. What? Guys say no to me too!
Anyways, today was actually an AWESOME day due to conversations with strangers and bonding with Sabby. And a got a nice little note from my Sweetheart Jams. Thanks babe! :D I love you!
If you know doing something makes someone happy, you should continue doing it right? Hmm.
Oh how I wish my mother was here. Oh crud. She's so going to call me sounding all worried now. Meh.
Anyway. Must. Be. Positive. Highlights of the week so far:
1. Eating at Bourke St Bakery and traipsing around Surry Hills with Sibrena and Jamsiah. Ah, fulfilled tummy and soul. 2. Getting confirmation that I'll be my bestie's Maid of Honour! So excited to be part of her special day. :D 3. Um. Yeah. That's it. What? It's only Friday!
Man. Where's my Mortal Wombat when I need it? I want to bury my head into it's furry belly and sleep. Ngahahaha sounds disturbing.
ps: sorry for the lack of posts. I haven't been really inspired lately. Toods.
Funny how watching a cute guy can make you chipper for the rest of the day. Thanks Hawa for sharing your new Youtube obsession! :D
You know what I love? Friendships that aren't one sided. I'm so sorry to those who think they've been shortchanged by me but I have to say that I'm very lucky to have some pretty awesome friends. I love listening to your problems as much as I am grateful that you listen to mine. I love it when you come by my room even when it's messy because I always drop by at yours. I love it when you share random stuff with me and accept all the nonsense I make you read and watch.
And I miss my little sanggana cham cham. Everytime I watch Russel Peters I think of you, kid. Take it, and GO.
I now type psycho as spycho and am dancing crazily to 3Oh!3. Word.
A dash of Disney, a sprinkle of pop punk, lashings of sweet treats, a pinch of superheroes, bundles of laughter and a tinge of crankyness.
All wrapped up in a pretty package that resembles the Cookie Monster.
Also self proclaimed Princess of Le Cupcake Kingdom
People I love. Music. Sweet treats. Singing animals. Movies. Princes. Books. Fables. Hindustan Heroes.
Sinks my Ship
Rude people working in hospitality and sales. Long queues. Idiots CUTTING long queues. People who Patronise.
Wishlist
To finally figure out what I'm meant to do. To travel the world. To eat anything without gaining ungodly amounts of weight. To get my happily ever after. :)
image from 101 Cookbooks
This was done by my Jedi Master, Zek. I'm guessing he was inspired by one of my dreams where a dude who was hitting on me, drew me a comic with the exact same title. Hahaha. I totally love it! Thanks Zek! Loves yous! :D
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