I'm in a bubble. Perfectly spherical and elusive to sound.

I'm in a bubble at a crossroads. Right in front of me is a huge signboard that indicates where each lane goes. I stare at it but it's empty. No squiggles or hard to discern words. Clean. Empty.

I'm in a bubble at a crossroads waiting. People pass by and tell me where to go but I can't hear them. It's the bubble, I gesture. They give me food to sustain for the day but after awhile it's not enough. They smile and laugh but they always leave. Who would sit at a crossroads with a girl they don't know, when there's fields to plough and fruits to reap?

I'm in a bubble at a crossroads waiting for someone to write on the signboard. Then at least I would know which way to go.

I just put this site link up on my other blog but it was too good not to share it here too. I'm addicted to reading this because Yes, it Gives me Hope too but also because some of them are SUPER sweet and they made me cry. Hehe. Here's some:

-Last May, I tried to kill myself. When I got home from the hospital, my family barely said a word.
I went to bed in tears, until my little brother woke me up and dragged me onto our garage roof. He sat and watched the stars with me for two hours, telling me he loved me, and that he wants to make everything better.
My 9yr old brother GMH.

-A few months ago, my grandmother died of cancer.
With the few words she had left, she told me where to find my Christmas presents for the next three years, my high school graduation present, and my wedding present. As her youngest grandchild, she wanted to make sure she could be there for me even after she was gone.
Her love and thoughtfulness GMH 

-Today is my friend's 16th birthday, he died on the 22nd of December 2009.
I found out a few days ago that he passed away when shots were fired after he saved a 15 year old girl from being raped by 3 men. She got away.
His selflessness GMH.

-A long time ago, I went to see a band at a small club in Chicago, the band was unknown and broke.
After the show, they scraped up enough money to go and buy fast food for all the homeless men near the club.
The band? Fall Out Boy.
Good karma GMH.

Ok i think I have to stop. I cant see the screen anymore. It really makes you evaluate what kind of person you really are and what kind of person you want to be.

I honestly want to be a better muslim, sister, daughter, granddaughter, girlfriend and friend. I am nowhere near these wonderful people and I know now that I need to be less selfish and to be kinder to other people.

I had a discussion recently about how you can overcome so many things when you set your mind to something. We exchanged stories on how powerful the human psyche is and how miracles can happen if you push yourself hard enough.

Now please forgive me if this isn't an exact account of the story. I heard it from someone else who read it somewhere. Scepticism is understood and forgiven.

There's a story of this person who was diagnosed with cancer and had only a month to live. He didn't want to die so he researched and read his way through scientific steps to rid himself of his illness. He stocked up on positive energy, be it from people or music or lectures. He discarded the negative vibes which included friends who pitied him and didn't believe that he would make it. Every day he would imagine fighting the cancer cells in his brain. He envisioned every single process down to the chemicals needed to disable the unstoppable mutants. He took everything he learned and mentally performed these reactions in his head to make sure he got better. After a month he went for his checkup. The doctors couldn't believe their eyes when they saw the tumour was gone. They checked everything and he wasn't sick AT ALL.

Now, I'm not saying everyone who tries this will surely survive. Our fate is still in the hands of God. But this just illustrates how amazing our own willpower and faith is and how capable we are to change our lives.

I'm a big believer in faith, willpower and prayers. I am sure from my innermost core that if you ask for something important from God sincerely without ulterior motives and you have utmost faith that God will grant you what is best for all parties, things will fall into place and get better. As long as this is constant, InsyAllah you will be rewarded because He is fair and just after all. :)

It's all matter of faith. Be it in a Divine Being or yourself or both.

I remember my auntie telling me how she doesn't understand why some couples have to be sooo attached at the hip and just have their love lives fizzle and fade after a few years into the marriage. She said, 'look at your parents, still holding hands until now. But look at F and L who don't even walk next to each other anymore. They used to be inseparable!'.

And then I thought of how my parents were one of those couples in Uni who were never seen apart. Yeah. They were apparently inseparable too, according to their friends. But here they are, 26 years on, holding hands in public, getting gifts for each other and having bfast or dinner together without the kids.

It still works no? She makes him tea without him asking. He needs her by his side on weekend mornings. They have this deep understanding for each other and to this day, it amazes me that they're still so sweet with each other. Alhamdulillah.

Another thing I thought was why does one have to dispense what they really feel just because they don't want to feel disappointed when it doesn't last in the long run? I think it's much better to act the way you feel than postpone it or supress it to avoid bitterness in the future. Who knows if you'll get it or not? Allah can tarik balik anytime so might as well make the most of it while you can.

Oh and I don't think your partner should JUST be made up of sensible things. Like how they're dependable or adored by the parents. I don't think you should base your preference solely on that. Correction: you should if that's what floats your boat but I WON'T. What I want (and I believe I've explained this to you readers time and time again) is someone who, whenever I see or think of, makes me tingle from my scalp to my toes. I can feel love oozing into every blood vessel. When you're in love with someone, you don't just want to have intellectual conversations or watch blockbuster movies. You want to sit in silence and enjoy the warmth that radiates from their smooth skin. You want to hum your favourite songs while the wind blows through their sweet smelling tresses. You want to hear them laugh that cute laugher at all the jokes you make. You want to steal glances and offer hidden smiles while queing for food at opposite ends of the room.

You want to feel special.

I am officially a sack full of SAP.

Okay. Toodles!

I would just like to demonstrate to you how moodswings work. Notice previous post and the lethargy that ensued the following day. Now see this huge grin on my face today, a product of a cute conversation with mother dearest (she was laughing at why I'm not matured and yet not at home in her arms) and today's outing with the boy (who kept making me see my strong points) where I finally got a planner and Boost juice yay!

Oh and also this:

Curi from Faezah's blog. Hahaha.

Aaaannnd this:
Ngahahahahaha. Now that demonstrates how much I look like her. Trust me when I say, my moodswings are also from her. Muahaha. But she's better now, that's for sure. :D Something about transsumthin meditation..hoho. Oh and I still wear that shirt to go out. It's comfy!

As you can see. I'm absolutely chipper. A far cry from the weekend's sobfest. But let's not celebrate too early yeah. Another thing about moodswings is that it'll flip back anyyytime..:D

Okay. My bowels are doing the fandango. And I'm watching Elle Woods. So Toodles!

Please be forewarned that I have just previously endured 4 hours of heat and and an extra 4 hours of walking in the CBD. I am also currently pms-ing. PMS Buddy doesn't lie. Neither do my pimples.

I fell utterly talentless. I have no amazing gift brought down from generations. I can't cook, I can't sing, I can't dance. I'm a downright shame. I can't even write properly. No poetry, no fiction, no research papers. All I do is ramble incoherently.

I am absolutely shy to the point of adverting my gaze from my own reflection when doing uninhibited things in front of the mirror. (shut up). I get stage fright easily. I take everything as a joke. I can't let myself go and lose myself in things. So Unsexy, no?

Yes. Right now I feel like I am at the bottom of the sewer. Carrying dreams that involve just being able to see the stars. I don't understand why I'm feeling this blue. I'm dripping tears of shame at being someone that just doesn't cut everyone's expectations. My parents, my friends, my teachers, my boyfriend. I'm sorry I can't be who you want me to be. I'm sorry if I'm not enough for any of you.

Okay. Crying leads to headaches. Off to bed. Thank you.

You know sometimes I go off on this ranting tangent in my head where I zoom in on a problem and let out all my anger or hurt at it. Most times it can even get physical up there in my mind.

One thing I picture myself doing is hitting something with a baseball bat or pitching the baseball at something (or someone). Regardless of the fact that I've NEVER played baseball my entire life. Hee.

Another favourite fantasy of mine is running amok with a mosquito racquet. You know what that is? That racquet that holds instead of strings, wires that conduct electricity and are designed to fry flying insects that get caught in it. Don't ask me why. I just like the thought of zapping people who get on my nerves or at least scare them in the process. :D

Sigh. It's one of those gloomy days where you feel like suddenly everything is wrong with you. How come she doesn't love me anymore? Why isn't he talking to me? How come I don't have any real talent? Why don't I have any dreams?

Oh, but I DID watch The Princess and the Frog. YAYYYYY! I cried of course. It would be totally uncharacteristic of me to not cry. Sigh. Disney is still teaching little girls that true love can happen in a day or two. But I suppose when you go through so much catastrophe in that same time, you tend to bond well with the person you're sharing it with. What? I read it somewhere! I've seen it too! :B Sigh.

Oh, and le boyfriend got me the cutest card ever. It had this song in it:

Sigh. Just the man I need. One who understands and supports this weird obsession with being a Disney princess. Hahaha.

Happy New Year!

I started 2010 by reading this year's blog posts. It was pretty interesting to note how much I TRIED to be positive but I always sunk back down to reality. Oh, and it was really nice to read everyone's comments and their support for me. I'm so thankful I've got so many friends who love me and right about now, I'm filled with guilt at neglecting these friendships. :(

I thought I'd give a rundown on the highlights of this year. The ups AND the downs. But I'll try to lean heavily on the happier side of life k? :)

February:
THIS post. Because it reflects how I view myself in terms of relationships. And also because of the solid advice my friends doled out. Especially my Llama. :D

A little bit of soul searching with mummy and her friend Kris. And also a newfound way of seeing Garuda. Oh and this quote: "In general, one's purpose is so closely aligned to one's life in general so as to be unnoted and unremarkable. It's the ego that demands the Headline Purpose." I have to keep reminding myself this.

March:
Hawa's birthday, a confession that changed my life and THIS letter to my friends. I still stand by my word. If you need me, I'm there. :)

April:
My reprieve to Bowral. I'm still in love with that place. :) Ifan came over. Lots of Sabbytime! :D And the wonderful discovery of Zumbo macarons.

May:
My fave comic of all time. No, its not Gaiman. It's Zek's! :D THIS post. Not really coz of the content but coz all the comments made my mom laugh for days.

July:
Where things started to take a turn for the better. That's when I realised I had fallen in love. :) I also have a post about my brother in the drafts section. I love him to bits and pieces. :D

August:
Mummy laid out some choices for me in the future. She truly is amazing and supportive. Love you!

October:
This was probably the climax of the year. Wrapping up honours and contemplating my current relationship.

December:
I left Sydney. :( My Llama got MARRIED. How crazy is that? :D Also had intense family bonding in Jakarta and Bandung. Auntie Ria and Uncle Irwan are awesome! :D

So that wraps everything up. Hopefully this year would be better in terms of work or studies. I'm praying that my penultimate (does returning for grad count?) return from Sydney sinks in better and comes with less complaints. :D

Good luck to everyone. Love, Shaheera.