If I could drop everything and run away, I would do so without thinking twice. I am sick of you honours, you don't fill my soul with any happiness at all. I am not cut out for you so quit making my life hell.
Shaheera Djafar, the only reason honours is being a bitch to you is because you don't want to be on friendly terms with it.
Oh shut up Miss Patronise.
Last friday I was in a room full of scientists. Ideas and questions were being thrown around. The moment they started I heard a loud *PING* in my head. Much like a microwave signalling that your reheating is done. That sound indicated how I realised this just isn't what the future holds for me. I've tried so hard to follow it and to fight the doubts but it just doesn't make me happy.
And then of course, the guilt, the anger and the disappointment flooded in. Why did I do honours? Why can't I just be good at it? Why can't I have enough motivation to finish what I started? Why can't I feel the urge to publish papers or accomplish much much more? Here I am giving mediocre a try. And here I am pushing what I need to do further behind.
I can't. You make me feel empty. You make me shake in anger. You make me restless and anxious. I just. CAN'T.
Frig. Frigfrigfrig. Sigh.
Dah dah la tu Shaheera Djafar. Silalah ke Lab dan siapkan practise thesis anda.
It's been a dreadful weekend. Goodbyes were whispered and tears were shed.
One of the best Malaysian directors of all time passed away. Many of my friends had the opportunity to meet her and talk to her about various subjects. Many more idolised her. Al-Fatihah to Yasmin Ahmad, may God bless you in the afterlife as well. You will be dearly missed by fans everywhere.
The grey skies embraced MH122 as it made its way back to home soil, carrying a very special friend of mine. Jams left for good and even though I know I'll be seeing her InsyAllah in December, the fact that I will never get to go up to her room and have long, sweet girly talks with her at night makes my heart ache a little more than it should. I will truly miss being 'manja' with her and having her comfort me when I feel sad. She's been a truly awesome friend and these few months without her would definitely feel different and strange.
I love you Nurul Ili Jamaluddin. :D
Great. Honestly, I can't imagine going back for good. Leaving this wonderful life behind. Cooking and eating with my girls. Sleepovers and movie nights. Adventures to new cafes and suburbs. Plenty of laughs and pictures. I know I'll never get a chance to do all that again because this chapter will have to end to make room for new ones. How disappointing.
You know what? I'll miss you guys the most: Hawa, Fini, May, Erin, Kak Long and of course, Jams Everyone else has come and gone this past 4 years but you 6 girls have been with me from the moment my life started here in Sydney. I love you lots and lots.
Oh and Sabby, you get special mention too. Because you managed to help pull me up from depression this year. For that, I thank you. And of course for everything else. :) Love you too!
(sebab jiwang and pms and mengada and time for a 90s flashback! :D)
It's such a beautiful day today. It's been really sunny lately. I have this HUGE urge to just change into a pair of shorts and read out on the lawn. But of course there's work overdue.
My mom wrote a letter to me on her blog. It made me weep. Sometimes I wonder too if I really deserve all this praise. I know I take so many things for granted and I know deep down inside, I'm not really THAT nice, smart or great. Maybe people misunderstand what they see. I don't know if I'm really all that special after all. Oh Well.
For the record, Mummy, you're an AWESOME mother. More than great. Please don't ask for forgiveness from me, for it is I who should be asking for forgiveness from you. I'm sorry if I have ever in any way let you down.
Now. I have to prove myself worthy of her love by carrying out what I promised her I'd do. I love you mummy. I'm blessed to have been spawned from you. (hahahaha...sorry the word 'spawned' reminds me of frogs).
I was so semangat doing another run for my biofilms when I fell sick halfway through. I kept shivering in lab, my bottom half felt like it was about to unscrew itself and my head was as heavy as lead. So I went home and let the fever consume me.
Thanks to my friends, I'm feeling better now. :D
I'm still coughing though. Like heavy, congested coughs filled with phlegm. And my throat is uber itchy. Come scratch me? :P The phlegm tastes like how recently photocopied paper smells.
Last night mamochka gave me a loooong motivational speech. She's so cute. I miss her so much. Thank you mummy, I love you!
When you tell some people that they're good at something, they start believing and embracing that trait. That's all well and good when they actually ARE good at it. It gives them the motivational push to be who they're meant to be. But what if they're not actually that good to begin with? Like what if we were only being supportive and not 100% honest? Somehow, the word embarrassing comes to mind. And disillusioned.
The past 2 weeks have been madness. I've failed at doing my experiments simultaneously with my social life. Social la sangat.
There was Tong where I danced to Wondergirls. It was embarrassing but we all know how much I LOVE making an ass out myself.
There was NCG where I had to help Mo with registration. I was SO tired that night I slept for around 13 hours. At least I got to indulge in some eye candy. :P
Then there was WLDU. I didn't help out much here. Just a lil bit here and there. It was pretty awesome. Then we went to watch Flop Poppy busk on George Street till the wee hours of the morning.
It is clear that I've neglected my project. But my chitin beads aren't here yet. But I suppose I SHOULD do ze practise thesis now. Ah crud. Okay. Since there's nothing else on after this, I SHOULD be able to concentrate now. Yes. I think I'll do that.
Here's a couple of 80s hits for you:
This song makes me guilty as hell because it has the word Diane in it. :B
I always believe that there's a reason why we face the troubles life throws at us. God is just. Our previous actions will lead to sticky situations. If you KNOW something is wrong deep down inside, but you still succumb to lust, wants and desire, is it a wonder really if you get lots of bullets fired at you while traveling along that chosen path? Do you really think you can get away with instant gratification (no matter how PURE u justify your intentions to be) scot free without paying tolls or taxes?
And once you reach that state of burden, don't make other people shoulder unnecessary responsibilities for all YOUR wrong choices. It's like leaving your long lost grankids with a hefty list of debts.
Sometimes, if you don't know what you want, the next best thing is to at least know what you DON'T want. I've figured this part out so I suppose that narrows things down. Haha. One of those things I don't want to be is weak. And even if I am feeling vulnerable, I don't want anyone else to see it.
Petty problems should not push you over the edge. People's issues should not affect you at all.
Concentrate on YOUR life. It's the only one you can change. You're the one who will have to deal with your choices first hand. No one is going to bear the same amount of grief or hold a heartful of joy as much as you will. They may say they do but seriously, the magnitude in which they do is NOTHING compared to what you will have to go through.
A dash of Disney, a sprinkle of pop punk, lashings of sweet treats, a pinch of superheroes, bundles of laughter and a tinge of crankyness.
All wrapped up in a pretty package that resembles the Cookie Monster.
Also self proclaimed Princess of Le Cupcake Kingdom
People I love. Music. Sweet treats. Singing animals. Movies. Princes. Books. Fables. Hindustan Heroes.
Sinks my Ship
Rude people working in hospitality and sales. Long queues. Idiots CUTTING long queues. People who Patronise.
Wishlist
To finally figure out what I'm meant to do. To travel the world. To eat anything without gaining ungodly amounts of weight. To get my happily ever after. :)
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