Hmm. Thank you for all the support. You guys rock. :)
Sometimes I'm ok. At least my eating habits have somewhat improved. I'm alright when people engage me in conversations where I'm supposed to respond. I can still laugh when it's due. I make my own stupid jokes (it's a coping mechanism, you see).
Sometimes I'm not. Every time I wake up I think that the whole thing was a dream. Then I realise it isn't. Today was funny because I had to answer questions about Mfest in between listening to Datuk Siti and songs of the same genre. I think that about made me cranky beyond repair.
I think the best consolation I got was at 4 in the morning:
'Doro, you're so kind, why does this always happen to you? If I were a guy, I'd be your boyfriend and I'd be so loyal and never leave you!'
-Norfaezah Hasim, 2009-
Unfortunately, my bestie is very much taken and very much a girl. Sigh.
But thank you to the rest. Liyana, for letting me stay over as long as I wanted to. Fatin, for taking me out. Chomet, for being fun for the both of us when I was unresponsive. Hawa, for calling all the way from Sydney and letting me cry on the phone. Zek, for talking things through. Ayin, for distracting me and the Three Hugs. Sabby, Peah, Shal, Izzati for your comments.
Sometimes I get into my childish mode where I wish for the impossible. Not just to have him back. Although that is the bulk of my wishes. Haha. But also to go all Kurt Wagner and Bamf out of here. Or to have Garuda be a tangible presence so he can fly me off this Earth. And sometimes I think of how unfair it all is. To me and to him. This usually happens when I see other couples. :S
Sometimes I put my chin up and let myself think that I'm going to be alright. I make plans for my future. I think of ways to achieve my goals. I try being positive as much as I can for as long as I can. I make sure I surround myself with good people and I read funny
So you see, it isn't all copacetic. But at least I'm trying. I'll find complacency in my own due time.