If I could drop everything and run away, I would do so without thinking twice. I am sick of you honours, you don't fill my soul with any happiness at all. I am not cut out for you so quit making my life hell.

Shaheera Djafar, the only reason honours is being a bitch to you is because you don't want to be on friendly terms with it.

Oh shut up Miss Patronise.

Last friday I was in a room full of scientists. Ideas and questions were being thrown around. The moment they started I heard a loud *PING* in my head. Much like a microwave signalling that your reheating is done. That sound indicated how I realised this just isn't what the future holds for me. I've tried so hard to follow it and to fight the doubts but it just doesn't make me happy.

And then of course, the guilt, the anger and the disappointment flooded in. Why did I do honours? Why can't I just be good at it? Why can't I have enough motivation to finish what I started? Why can't I feel the urge to publish papers or accomplish much much more? Here I am giving mediocre a try. And here I am pushing what I need to do further behind.

I can't. You make me feel empty. You make me shake in anger. You make me restless and anxious. I just. CAN'T.

Frig. Frigfrigfrig. Sigh.

Dah dah la tu Shaheera Djafar. Silalah ke Lab dan siapkan practise thesis anda.