Therapeutic Ramblings

Collecting anger

2010-09-19T14:46:00.000+10:00

There goes the Raya holidays. I had a list of things to do but I didn't accomplish most of them. Oh well.

I did something really stupid today. I guess it was because I was angry at a lot of different things. Perhaps it had something to do with my stomach discomfort and PMS as well. Hearing my brother curse was the final straw. Now I'm paying the price of my stupidity with some ice. Meh.

I made a prediction about a friend. Perhaps I'm being too pessimistic but I'm just following trends here. I wouldn't know though, if my prediction comes true. If it does, it just proves one thing and I shall be happy to know that I'm right. Haha.

I learnt one important thing during the holidays. "You don't lose anything if you forgive".

I'm trying very hard to follow this. It's a bit hard when people don't realise that they've done something wrong and actually seek for that forgiveness but back to the saying, it's not like you'll lose anything. When the time comes for them to change and seek forgiveness from God, they can rest assured that their slate with you is clean.

Oh and one more thing. I was contemplating about people who have to choose sides between their husbands and their families. Both are important, yes? But how do you choose which side to lie on when opinions differ? To be direct, women are supposed to side with their husbands but AHAH! Only if their husbands are right and not against God. So i figured, idealistically, the only way to judge which party to agree with, is to use God and your beliefs as your compass. What do you think God would want you to do? What do you think he'd rather you pick?

Wow. More spiritual mumbo jumbo. I can already guess what some people might say. Whatever. Just bask in the complacency that I've forgiven you anyway. But not before I mock your inflated ego and imagine the day you fall off that pedestal you planted yourself on. But maybe then, you wouldn't forgive me for saying that. Hmm.

I was made for loving you baby

2010-09-02T02:25:00.000+10:00

I'm gonna make this quick coz I'm supposed to be asleep by now. :B

These past few days have been quite magical. Not the whimsical sort that transports you to faerie-land but more of the unbelievable and genuinely incredible sort.

Had a heartfelt discussion with my sweethearts from High School and I'm still floored by how sweet they were with what I had to share. Thank you girls. I love you loads! :)

One of my friends had finally made a well thought out choice. Congratulations hun! Good luck with the future. Seems to look pretty lovely to me. ;)

Met some of my Sydney friends and a short catch-up with Erin left me quite content and happy with my choice. You have no idea babe, how much those words meant to me. How you said that what I'm doing is my strong point and that at the end of the day, what matters is that you're happy and you're enjoying what you're doing. I applaud how you're able to just go with the flow and not think too hard and too much about things that would complicate your life. Thank you for sharing that with me Erin. :)

And the best thing, is realising just exactly why I'm with my man. How God is at the center of our relationship and that He is the reason we're together until today. I know it's still a lot to ask for and that I'm nothing but a tiny grain of sand in this vast space and world but I keep on praying for the best from Him.

I'm glad I can be there for you honeybee, just like how you've been there for me. :-*

Okay off to bed now. Tomorrow is a FULL day. Le Sigh. Toods!

Fluffy Flowers

2010-08-22T12:25:00.000+10:00

It's a gorgeous Sunday and all I can think of is sitting at a nice cafe outdoors and sipping some awesome Latte. I was all set to bathe and rush out the door with my laptop and work in hand then I remembered:

Eh, Ramadhan la.

I forgot because I'm not fasting, see. Yes, it's THAT time of the month again. So perhaps, I'd have to be content in taking away my coffee and sipping it somewhere private.

Even so, I do love Ramadhan. Somehow, your efforts feel much more appreciated during this month. You somewhat feel stronger with each choice you make. Your prayers seem more genuine and your heart seems to calm down faster.

I love fluffy ranunculus and hydrangea. I feel like using them as blusher brushes.

image from: Ruffled Blog

Me thinks me should change the blog layout. It's so depressing and teenage-y. Haha. Okay off I go to scour the net for something new. :D

Enjoy the rest of your weekend! :)

2010-08-03T09:39:00.000+10:00

One day I'll have a name card with this on it:

Shaheera Djafar

People Disappointer

Specialises in letting other people down

Awesome. Once I get it printed, I'll pass it to you.

You Crazy BumBum

2010-08-02T01:52:00.000+10:00

I wish I could open my own cafe like Whisk one day. I think great things happen at cosy cafes. People write epic stories, they fall in love, heal a broken heart, close business deals, make new friends and accumulate a wealth of knowledge (whether it's by eavesdropping, reading or conversing with other people).

You've definitely got to have good coffee and awesome food. A nice atmosphere is essential too. Sigh. I really wish I could set one up and I do believe some of my gfs would love to do so too.

I've been listening to Lady Antebellum's Need You Now. It's the nice kind of emo. As in it isn't as depressing as a certain mister Blunt. :B

I'm not sure if I'm doing things right and I do know that things aren't peachy but somehow, I feel like sticking around. I guess it has something to do with watching my girls speak up more in class, a certain boy catching up with his friends and letting my babies go onto the next level. The amount of pride surpasses everything I've done so far. These are people's lives we're talking about. It's not personal gain or running the rat race. It's watching kids grow.

I do have to be honest, there are the bad eggs as well who try as I might, can't seem to grow up and are just adamant about being ignorant. There's also my own performance of course. I will never be able to be on par with the seniors and at times tend to struggle with executing my plans. However, it's the tiny improvement I see in myself day by day that makes me strive to keep on going. Sometimes it's a matter of one step ahead and two steps back but it's still a challenge to myself to see how far I can go. I do realise that I may not really be the best for this job but God knows I'm trying REALLY hard. This time I can safely say I mean it.

Okay. Time to schleeeeppp.

Oh My I Didnt Know I had to APPROVE Comments! Sorry! :B

2010-07-24T20:12:00.000+10:00

Back again after another long hiatus. I haven't blogged partially because I have this fear that one of my superiors might google me and land on this space. We wouldn't want them to catch me moaning in agony or screaming bloody murder, would we?

I've had my what, fourth infection in the past two months. I had ulcers on my throat. Yes. THROAT. I got really upset at first then I got really fascinated and obsessed. I kept persuading people to look at my throat but they'd politely refuse. Hmph. You don't know what you're missing. I'm better now if you're wondering, Alhamdulillah.

My best friend got hitched. Congrats Faezah! :D Solehah just got engaged this morning. Ah another one bites the dust. Congrats!

I am slowly starting to HATE the person I've become. I've lost count of the amount of people who get upset with me. This includes family, friends and colleagues. I disappoint them continuously every single day and I'm quite sick of it.

It's okay you know, having separate lines for your separate lives just so long as they're parallel and whenever they interact they don't get tangled up. My lines look like Kolzac had run through and made them into a spherical mass coated with cat saliva and fur balls. My body is filled with so much negative energy it would make Darth Vader proud.

I don't know what's the point of writing this down. Doesn't feel therapeutic anymore. Maybe because once I log off, things are the same. Tomorrow someone else will get upset with me and the next day someone would wish they could strangle me. And all the while I'd wish I were somewhere else alone. But no, they'd find a way to get me and inject huge amounts of guilt into my head and heart that I'd have to come home where the same cycle would continue. If being sick didn't make it stop nothing probably will. Oh WELL.

I just want people to understand me and leave me alone.

Shancho

2010-05-30T21:56:00.000+10:00

Oh lordy has it been awhile.

Well hello. I know I've been MIA lately. Those who still peruse my blog or get auto updates will finally be able to see WHY I've slipped from the radar. Yay.

I didn't have internet in Sydney so i was MIA since then. When I got back I had an interview and recuperation at home and we all know internet at home is a B-I-T*bleep bleep*. So yes. MIA again. And then the week after I started working straight. 5 days. Sometimes till 10pm. And I was teaching tuition too. Needless to say, I was a mess everytime I got home. Weekends were spent sleeping or trying to catch some 'me' time. Hectic man.

Is it just me or am I having a problem stringing my words together? Must be the excitement of blogging again. Hah.

Oh yes, about that job. I'm teaching kids to read and write in English. I don't really agree with the education system here so I thought I might as well do something about it than complain to my peers over a cup of coffee or in a chatroom. I wouldn't say I'm good at it. I don't have that natural talent with children or in teaching for that matter. But at least I'm trying. And if I can get my kids to feel good about their achievements and if I get to see how their eyes shine when something in their brains click when learning something new, that's all that matters to me. And I simply can't resist the cute ones with their baby voices and tiny feet. :D

Okay. I'm off now. Hope I haven't made anyone thoroughly pissed off with my disappearance. :) Toods.

No Disrespecting Me

2010-03-29T16:54:00.000+11:00

I'm thankful for the girlfriends I have. Somehow, in their presence I feel safe. I don't know if they realise it or not but they're the sweetest people I know. They make fun of you yes, but they do it to your face and it's never in a mean way.

No backstabbing, no prejudice, no disrespect.

These are the ones I want to keep, InsyAllah forever.

Thank you, loves. I do believe you'd know who you are. :)

Dilemmas and Balls

2010-03-17T18:02:00.000+11:00

After all these years I do realise why I have to go through the same situations over and over again. At first I thought it was a cruel joke but I now know that it's because I'm meant to learn something from these dilemmas and grow some set of balls to face it in the future.

Well, it's safe to say that I have. Hoho. Well at least I think I have. *check pants*

I used to get really upset earlier and equate myself to a failure at being the better option. I used to beat myself up about it, thinking that I didn't have what it took to distract them. Now i know that it's not enough to find solace in someone or something healthier, it's also essential that you acknowledge, understand and accept that the lesser of the options is not good for you. Only then, can you take the plunge and forget about it. And believe me, it takes awhile for this to sink in. All the third party has to do is wait and not allow themselves to be part of the problem. It's no use fitting yourself into the predicament because trust me, you have NOTHING to do with it.

So there you have it. It just hit me that what I've cried over for the past six years has made me able to face this with a smile, a sigh and plenty of patience.

To those on the other end of the spectrum, hey, it's not the end of the world. Look ahead. The road is paved with plenty of good things. Just don't keep glancing back because then, you wouldn't be able to enjoy the ride. :)

oops

2010-03-13T18:59:00.002+11:00

Oops. I didn't mean to misinterpret my bf or show some lack of faith in God. I do apologise. Perhaps I lost what I was trying to get across while I was conveying everything my way.

I didn't mean to say God would give us things we don't deserve. He is after all Just and whatever He gives is what we're meant to have. Perhaps I misunderstood what my bf told me (the perils of early morning phonecalls) and got all worked up about the whole thing.

Maybe you might see this as a way for me to 'cover' for my boyfriend. Well, since I did miss out a few other key sentences in our conversation, I wouldn't want anyone to think less of him. It isn't fair for him to be judged based on what I say and not of what he actually shows or says to you. What my bf said was pretty much what we're all taught when it comes to prayers: You work hard for something and you pray and leave it to God. It's the 'tawakal' part he was emphasising on.

Perhaps it isn't my place to discuss about these matters. I am after all an ignorant little girl who is lost in love and unrealistic. So maybe it's wise for me to just shut up.

Thank you for bringing the inconsistencies to light anyway. :)

Prayers for you

2010-03-09T14:16:00.000+11:00

I am feeling a little bit helpless. You see, the bf just told me about how we're meant to pray to God. He says that yes, it is still up to Him to grant our wishes or not but even if He did, it doesn't neccessarily mean it's for the best and whether it's with His full blessing or not.

Just because you ask for something a million times, when the time comes for Him to fulfill those prayers, it doesn't mean that you actually deserve what you get. Which is why, sometimes those things you ask for don't work out and end up causing more heartache. Apparently, you have to end all your prayers with something that indicates you leave it all to Him and hope that it's given with His blessings.

This made me feel less than hopeful. All this time, I've been praying so hard for some things, to the point of tears and when I got them, they were not what I had imagined. Example: Honours. Enough said. What made me scared was that I'm praying so hard for this relationship and if He grants what I want, it would only be short-lived because maybe I'm only meant to be with this guy now, not in the future. Yes. This scares the bejeezus out of me.

I do remember though, the last time I left everything to God and told him that I would accept whatever He thought was best for me, I ended up with this guy. So that made me a tiny bit relieved. But that still doesn't confirm that I'll have him forever. :( Sigh.

However, I did alot of thinking and I realised that no matter what you end up getting, even if the results are undesirable, if you have absolute faith that it's for the best and you acknowledge that it wasn't meant for you, the pain and sadness will be shortlived because something better will come your way.

Sigh.

Lucifer is not Funny, he's Mean

2010-03-07T23:40:00.000+11:00

Last night I gave into childish temptation and watched Cinderella under the covers. Despite its obvious misguiding information, like how on Earth could mice talk and wear 'human' clothes, this Disney classic does teach us a thing or two about human behaviour.

For instance, Cindy's fairy godmother granted her wishes and bade her off to the Ball. She made everything perfect, except that she only had until midnight to revel in her splendour. Now, if it were normal young ladies at this day and age, I can bet you a hundred bucks that the first thing out of their mouths would be: "What??!! Only MIDNIGHT?". Then, the whining would ensue. Cinderella on the other hand, said that it was more than she had hoped for and proceeded to float on Cloud 9 all the way to the Palace.

From that example, I deduced that miracles only happen to really good girls who accept and tolerate other people despite their flaws. And also girls who never complain or are not impossibly rude.

Another thing about this movie was that it did not push the idea of love at first sight as something normal or expected. The Duke sarcastically relayed to the King a situation where the Prince might miraculously be attracted to one girl from across the room and fall for her instantly as they dance the night away. However, while he was describing each little move out loud (condescendingly, I might add), the Prince really was acting it all out with Cinderella in the Ballroom below.

How I saw it was, of course we are programmed to think that falling in love at first sight or falling head over heels in a short period of time is impossible. What more wanting to spend the rest of your life with a person you do not know much about. Despite all that, these things actually DO happen in real life too. And the fact that it does, makes it extra special and nothing short of a miracle. After all, Cinderella wasn't your average girl. She deserved some magic in her life after years of child abuse.

Yes, I do realise I've been peppering this post with 'miracle' and 'miraculous'. It was the theme for Cinderella. Or any other Disney movie with Princessess. Anyway, I'll leave you to your normal, adult life now. Toods!

Why a girlfriend needs a boyfriend

2010-03-02T16:12:00.000+11:00

I got this from HERE:

A girlfriend needs a boyfriend who will always have time to give her hugs and forehead kisses. Who can fix her favorite things. Who teaches her, she is important by stopping what he is doing just to watch her. Who will laugh at her and with her at all the right moments. Who does not mind when she steps on his shoes while dancing.

A girlfriend needs a boyfriend to learn that when he says it will be okay soon, it will. To tell her that not all is hopeless even when she feels like it. To show her, how it feels to be loved unselfishly.

A girlfriend needs a boyfriend to teach her that her value as a person is more than the way she looks. To give her a strong willful character. To feel whole and complete. To remind her of the comfort of being held near and feeling secure. Who will not punish her for her mistakes, but help her learn from them. To help her try again whenever she fails. To share with her, the wisdom she has not yet acquired.

A girlfriend needs a boyfriend to calm her down when she is stressed by her challenges. Who will make sacrifices so she will not have to sacrifice. Who will influence her life, even when he is not with her. To show her to embrace her flaws. To teach her to stand up for herself. To hold her just because she wants to be held. To teach her to believe she deserves to be treated well. To protect her when she is not wise enough to protect herself. To teach her that forgiving is a natural thing to do. To teach her that she can forgive more than once. To teach her that respect is to be earned as he has earned hers. To teach her to preserve her dignity through difficult times.

A girlfriend needs a boyfriend to teach her what it means to always be there. To be the safe spot, she can always run to. TO SHOW HER NOT ALL BOYS ARE LIKE THE ONES WHO HAVE HURT HER. To be the standard which she will judge all men. So that when no one else is there for her, she can close her eyes and see him. To show her that true love is unconditional.

A girlfriend needs a boyfriend so she will know what it is like to be someone’s favorite. To help her find her way in life. To join her journey when she is too afraid to walk alone. To pull her back when she is headed in the wrong direction. So she will have at least ONE HERO who won’t let her down. Who will let her know that while she may not be the center of someone else’s world, she is the center of his..

A girlfriend needs a boyfriend because without him, she will have LESS in her life than she deserves.

And that made me cry a little. And it made me miss him even more.

All my Exes Live in Texas

2010-02-22T03:05:00.002+11:00

Is it healthy to be jealous or at the very least, wary of your partner's exes? Especially those he/she is still more than chummy with. You know, smses, random outbursts of surpressed feelings and hints or reminders of what they used to have and how great it was. Or perhaps several SOS calls that make your partner rush to their side claiming 'i still love him/her as a friend! I can't just leave them in pain/heartache/trouble' and proceed to lend their shoulder to cry on.

Hmm. Sounds familiar. Oh wait, I've been there! Many times! Always the exes. Jeez. Friends are fine. Like that Gwen Stefani song Cool. Confessions of pent up love that hasn't diminished after years, not fine. Lots of physical contact that reignites certain feelings, you're screwed man.

Yeah, not really fun is it? Hearing them comfort other people who used to shack up with them. Or unwillingly giving the green light for them to still meet up for coffee every week or so. Visualising how they used to touch, how the words he/she utters to you was once used on this other person (or persons), how they previously shared the same dreams. Great, my heart is knotting up just thinking about it.

Oh well......since I have had experience then it should be something I'd be prepared to tackle. All those years of watching people I was with cry over another girl or make sacrifices for someone else should equip me with the hardened guts to face all that without cringing.

disclaimer: I am still very much in love and happy. Just so you'd know. Haha.

Mooching

2010-02-06T15:13:00.000+11:00

Just a gentle reminder for those who like to mooch at their friends or relatives' place:

Do your own dishes.

Wash your own clothes, or at least your undies. Your ass doesn't smell like roses.

Clean up after yourself and make sure the place looks as tidy as it was when you first arrived.

Come on. I'd rather scoop a pile of dead cockroaches swimming in dark stagnant water than have a Tarago full of people sleepover at my house without pulling their weight.

Fact: I just did this today. Why? Because I cleaned up my host's bathroom and now it looks MUCH cleaner than when I arrived. Yes. I'm bragging because I hate it when people mess up my bathroom.

And dude, it never hurt to offer to pay for groceries AT LEAST ONCE during your stay. ESPECIALLY when you've got your whole family leeching off my friggin fridge.

Yes, I'm sorry if this is a bit emo. I know I've mooched before but I never let people wash my undies or eat truckloads of their food. Sometimes I cook and bake for them too using my own money. I also buy back treats for them when I go out. And I've even gone out of my way to do THEIR laundry for them a few times. I know I could do more but it's still better than not contributing at all.

And what do you do when you have a moocher?

Forget to cook meals when you know you're not eating at home.

Don't go out of your way to please them.

Stick grocery receipts on the fridge door. At eye level. With Highlighted totals.

Leave notes to ask if they can help. Like "oh no! I forgot to wash the toilet today! Can you help me please? Thanks!". Sometimes moochers are willing to help if asked.

So there you go. Some tips for moochers and those being mooched. Hopefully, those leeches will grow a set of balls and stop being a nuisance to other people. Word.

Gentlemen and Grace

2010-02-04T18:52:00.000+11:00

I was reading this post by the Satorialist about how gentlemen should behave and the virtues of grace. It's really great to see so many men out there who take the time to show the ladies in their life just how special they are. It doesn't matter if she's your wife, mother or daughter. All these small gestures that indicate how in tune you are to their needs and subtle wants, show how much you care for them. Trust me, they will appreciate you more this way.

I'm hoping my brother would find the time to view all the comments because God knows how much I want him to grow up to be a charming gentleman. Full of poise, good humour and graceful manners. I know he doesn't need much work, he is raised by such wonderful people after all, but it would be good to remind him that it's not just about 'Please' and 'Thank Yous'.

Oh and I would like to say how thankful i am to get my own gentleman. Small things like cleaning my workspace for me without being patronising and stocking up my fridge with all the goodies I love like dark chocolates and sweet cherries. All without me asking. :)

Self Esteem and Other Things

2010-02-01T21:41:00.000+11:00

Everyone's been asking me what my dreams are for the future. If you remember, I stated I had no dreams. That is not entirely true. I do have them, but they would entice you to either laugh or frown in disapproval. Or both.

I have very low self esteem when it comes to what I'm good at and what I can achieve. I'm the ultimate pessimist, ending each good quality someone names with a 'but it's not as good as...' or 'oh, it's not THAT great but okayla, sometimes'. Don't get me wrong, this does not include other things in my life. I am TOTALLY confident I can finish that dessert after a hearty dinner or that I can walk across the Harbour Bridge by myself in the midst of a dust storm. It's just these other things like my skills and where I see myself in 10 years. I just can't find the confidence to see myself accomplish great things. I can actually give you a list of all the things I'm bad at after all these years of self depreciation.

Oh, I'm also however, very optimistic when it comes to other people's lives. I can be the best cheerleader you need. I know everyone has the potential to do whatever they want (unfortunately, this doesn't extend to personal development). They just need the coaxing to come out of their shells. I'll hold your hand, I'll pick you up when you're stuck on the floor in a heaping, sobbing mess. I'll even lie to you, if that's what you need to stop from jumping out the building. All this if you let me.

I can even rationalise why my friends hurt me. I understand why they say certain things, why they bite back and eventually I forgive them and beg them to forgive me. I can materialise reasons for people's actions without them even interacting with me. And no matter how much a person has hurt me, I still give them the benefit of the doubt (even if it's from afar :P)

Although of course, it doesn't work ALL the time. (woohoo pessimism kicks in again!)

So yes. I have low self esteem. And please don't take things personally. It's not a personal attack or an act of defiance. It's not all about you or just about me. And I don't think anyone really understood my previous post. All that talk can't permeate through the bubble remember? I can only read straight up choices. I make decisions by elimination. That's how God created me. And again I stress this, it's not all about you or just about me. I'm not trying to diss you or shun you. Please.

A Bubble

2010-01-28T14:42:00.000+11:00

I'm in a bubble. Perfectly spherical and elusive to sound.

I'm in a bubble at a crossroads. Right in front of me is a huge signboard that indicates where each lane goes. I stare at it but it's empty. No squiggles or hard to discern words. Clean. Empty.

I'm in a bubble at a crossroads waiting. People pass by and tell me where to go but I can't hear them. It's the bubble, I gesture. They give me food to sustain for the day but after awhile it's not enough. They smile and laugh but they always leave. Who would sit at a crossroads with a girl they don't know, when there's fields to plough and fruits to reap?

I'm in a bubble at a crossroads waiting for someone to write on the signboard. Then at least I would know which way to go.

GMH

2010-01-20T23:11:00.001+11:00

I just put this site link up on my other blog but it was too good not to share it here too. I'm addicted to reading this because Yes, it Gives me Hope too but also because some of them are SUPER sweet and they made me cry. Hehe. Here's some:

-Last May, I tried to kill myself. When I got home from the hospital, my family barely said a word.
I went to bed in tears, until my little brother woke me up and dragged me onto our garage roof. He sat and watched the stars with me for two hours, telling me he loved me, and that he wants to make everything better.
My 9yr old brother GMH.

-A few months ago, my grandmother died of cancer.
With the few words she had left, she told me where to find my Christmas presents for the next three years, my high school graduation present, and my wedding present. As her youngest grandchild, she wanted to make sure she could be there for me even after she was gone.
Her love and thoughtfulness GMH

-Today is my friend's 16th birthday, he died on the 22nd of December 2009.
I found out a few days ago that he passed away when shots were fired after he saved a 15 year old girl from being raped by 3 men. She got away.
His selflessness GMH.

-A long time ago, I went to see a band at a small club in Chicago, the band was unknown and broke.
After the show, they scraped up enough money to go and buy fast food for all the homeless men near the club.
The band? Fall Out Boy.
Good karma GMH.

Ok i think I have to stop. I cant see the screen anymore. It really makes you evaluate what kind of person you really are and what kind of person you want to be.

I honestly want to be a better muslim, sister, daughter, granddaughter, girlfriend and friend. I am nowhere near these wonderful people and I know now that I need to be less selfish and to be kinder to other people.

A Matter of Faith

2010-01-17T14:02:00.000+11:00

I had a discussion recently about how you can overcome so many things when you set your mind to something. We exchanged stories on how powerful the human psyche is and how miracles can happen if you push yourself hard enough.

Now please forgive me if this isn't an exact account of the story. I heard it from someone else who read it somewhere. Scepticism is understood and forgiven.

There's a story of this person who was diagnosed with cancer and had only a month to live. He didn't want to die so he researched and read his way through scientific steps to rid himself of his illness. He stocked up on positive energy, be it from people or music or lectures. He discarded the negative vibes which included friends who pitied him and didn't believe that he would make it. Every day he would imagine fighting the cancer cells in his brain. He envisioned every single process down to the chemicals needed to disable the unstoppable mutants. He took everything he learned and mentally performed these reactions in his head to make sure he got better. After a month he went for his checkup. The doctors couldn't believe their eyes when they saw the tumour was gone. They checked everything and he wasn't sick AT ALL.

Now, I'm not saying everyone who tries this will surely survive. Our fate is still in the hands of God. But this just illustrates how amazing our own willpower and faith is and how capable we are to change our lives.

I'm a big believer in faith, willpower and prayers. I am sure from my innermost core that if you ask for something important from God sincerely without ulterior motives and you have utmost faith that God will grant you what is best for all parties, things will fall into place and get better. As long as this is constant, InsyAllah you will be rewarded because He is fair and just after all. :)

It's all matter of faith. Be it in a Divine Being or yourself or both.

I'll Wait For You

2010-01-13T23:04:00.000+11:00

I remember my auntie telling me how she doesn't understand why some couples have to be sooo attached at the hip and just have their love lives fizzle and fade after a few years into the marriage. She said, 'look at your parents, still holding hands until now. But look at F and L who don't even walk next to each other anymore. They used to be inseparable!'.

And then I thought of how my parents were one of those couples in Uni who were never seen apart. Yeah. They were apparently inseparable too, according to their friends. But here they are, 26 years on, holding hands in public, getting gifts for each other and having bfast or dinner together without the kids.

It still works no? She makes him tea without him asking. He needs her by his side on weekend mornings. They have this deep understanding for each other and to this day, it amazes me that they're still so sweet with each other. Alhamdulillah.

Another thing I thought was why does one have to dispense what they really feel just because they don't want to feel disappointed when it doesn't last in the long run? I think it's much better to act the way you feel than postpone it or supress it to avoid bitterness in the future. Who knows if you'll get it or not? Allah can tarik balik anytime so might as well make the most of it while you can.

Oh and I don't think your partner should JUST be made up of sensible things. Like how they're dependable or adored by the parents. I don't think you should base your preference solely on that. Correction: you should if that's what floats your boat but I WON'T. What I want (and I believe I've explained this to you readers time and time again) is someone who, whenever I see or think of, makes me tingle from my scalp to my toes. I can feel love oozing into every blood vessel. When you're in love with someone, you don't just want to have intellectual conversations or watch blockbuster movies. You want to sit in silence and enjoy the warmth that radiates from their smooth skin. You want to hum your favourite songs while the wind blows through their sweet smelling tresses. You want to hear them laugh that cute laugher at all the jokes you make. You want to steal glances and offer hidden smiles while queing for food at opposite ends of the room.

You want to feel special.

I am officially a sack full of SAP.

Okay. Toodles!

These Lights Will Inspire You

2010-01-12T20:53:00.003+11:00

I would just like to demonstrate to you how moodswings work. Notice previous post and the lethargy that ensued the following day. Now see this huge grin on my face today, a product of a cute conversation with mother dearest (she was laughing at why I'm not matured and yet not at home in her arms) and today's outing with the boy (who kept making me see my strong points) where I finally got a planner and Boost juice yay!

Oh and also this:

Curi from Faezah's blog. Hahaha.

Aaaannnd this:
Ngahahahahaha. Now that demonstrates how much I look like her. Trust me when I say, my moodswings are also from her. Muahaha. But she's better now, that's for sure. :D Something about transsumthin meditation..hoho. Oh and I still wear that shirt to go out. It's comfy!

As you can see. I'm absolutely chipper. A far cry from the weekend's sobfest. But let's not celebrate too early yeah. Another thing about moodswings is that it'll flip back anyyytime..:D

Okay. My bowels are doing the fandango. And I'm watching Elle Woods. So Toodles!

Not Cutting It

2010-01-10T02:04:00.002+11:00

Please be forewarned that I have just previously endured 4 hours of heat and and an extra 4 hours of walking in the CBD. I am also currently pms-ing. PMS Buddy doesn't lie. Neither do my pimples.

I fell utterly talentless. I have no amazing gift brought down from generations. I can't cook, I can't sing, I can't dance. I'm a downright shame. I can't even write properly. No poetry, no fiction, no research papers. All I do is ramble incoherently.

I am absolutely shy to the point of adverting my gaze from my own reflection when doing uninhibited things in front of the mirror. (shut up). I get stage fright easily. I take everything as a joke. I can't let myself go and lose myself in things. So Unsexy, no?

Yes. Right now I feel like I am at the bottom of the sewer. Carrying dreams that involve just being able to see the stars. I don't understand why I'm feeling this blue. I'm dripping tears of shame at being someone that just doesn't cut everyone's expectations. My parents, my friends, my teachers, my boyfriend. I'm sorry I can't be who you want me to be. I'm sorry if I'm not enough for any of you.

Okay. Crying leads to headaches. Off to bed. Thank you.

Just you to Royalty

2010-01-07T18:03:00.003+11:00

You know sometimes I go off on this ranting tangent in my head where I zoom in on a problem and let out all my anger or hurt at it. Most times it can even get physical up there in my mind.

One thing I picture myself doing is hitting something with a baseball bat or pitching the baseball at something (or someone). Regardless of the fact that I've NEVER played baseball my entire life. Hee.

Another favourite fantasy of mine is running amok with a mosquito racquet. You know what that is? That racquet that holds instead of strings, wires that conduct electricity and are designed to fry flying insects that get caught in it. Don't ask me why. I just like the thought of zapping people who get on my nerves or at least scare them in the process. :D

Sigh. It's one of those gloomy days where you feel like suddenly everything is wrong with you. How come she doesn't love me anymore? Why isn't he talking to me? How come I don't have any real talent? Why don't I have any dreams?

Oh, but I DID watch The Princess and the Frog. YAYYYYY! I cried of course. It would be totally uncharacteristic of me to not cry. Sigh. Disney is still teaching little girls that true love can happen in a day or two. But I suppose when you go through so much catastrophe in that same time, you tend to bond well with the person you're sharing it with. What? I read it somewhere! I've seen it too! :B Sigh.

Oh, and le boyfriend got me the cutest card ever. It had this song in it:

Sigh. Just the man I need. One who understands and supports this weird obsession with being a Disney princess. Hahaha.

Nitty Gritty

2010-01-02T01:33:00.002+11:00

I miss the person you used to be.
The one who looked at me through tears in their eyes and let me help pick things up.
The one who would listen to my worries over a cup of coffee.
The one who gave their full support and doled out great advice.
I miss that.
I wonder what mistakes I made to make you do a one eighty.
And still, everyday I pray you turn back. Because I still need you and your prayers.

Faezah is totally right when she says, there are some things you need to keep to yourself. You don't have to share every little nitty gritty detail with your other half or your family. Don't get me wrong, it isn't lying. Just an elimination of certain technicalities. Sometimes these small points make or break a relationship. Certain images tend to burn themselves permanently into a person's mind. Thus, it is better to let sleeping dogs lie than awaken a sense of unease and awkwardness.

Can you make someone like you? Not like like. You know, just genuinely friendly like. I have made people who hate me like me. But I don't know if at this day and age it's still possible to do so. I've got the guns and the ammo, but have they got thicker armour? I wish I could make the people I genuinely like, like me back. Forever. But then again, if these people don't appreciate me even after trying, then why should I be running with that pack ever again? The ones worth keeping are the ones who don't need you to keep mending fences and accepts the whole package, even your ugly flaws.

Two-Oh-One-Oh

2010-01-01T10:51:00.003+11:00

Happy New Year!

I started 2010 by reading this year's blog posts. It was pretty interesting to note how much I TRIED to be positive but I always sunk back down to reality. Oh, and it was really nice to read everyone's comments and their support for me. I'm so thankful I've got so many friends who love me and right about now, I'm filled with guilt at neglecting these friendships. :(

I thought I'd give a rundown on the highlights of this year. The ups AND the downs. But I'll try to lean heavily on the happier side of life k? :)

February:
THIS post. Because it reflects how I view myself in terms of relationships. And also because of the solid advice my friends doled out. Especially my Llama. :D

A little bit of soul searching with mummy and her friend Kris. And also a newfound way of seeing Garuda. Oh and this quote: "In general, one's purpose is so closely aligned to one's life in general so as to be unnoted and unremarkable. It's the ego that demands the Headline Purpose." I have to keep reminding myself this.

March:
Hawa's birthday, a confession that changed my life and THIS letter to my friends. I still stand by my word. If you need me, I'm there. :)

April:
My reprieve to Bowral. I'm still in love with that place. :) Ifan came over. Lots of Sabbytime! :D And the wonderful discovery of Zumbo macarons.

May:
My fave comic of all time. No, its not Gaiman. It's Zek's! :D THIS post. Not really coz of the content but coz all the comments made my mom laugh for days.

July:
Where things started to take a turn for the better. That's when I realised I had fallen in love. :) I also have a post about my brother in the drafts section. I love him to bits and pieces. :D

August:
Mummy laid out some choices for me in the future. She truly is amazing and supportive. Love you!

October:
This was probably the climax of the year. Wrapping up honours and contemplating my current relationship.

December:
I left Sydney. :( My Llama got MARRIED. How crazy is that? :D Also had intense family bonding in Jakarta and Bandung. Auntie Ria and Uncle Irwan are awesome! :D

So that wraps everything up. Hopefully this year would be better in terms of work or studies. I'm praying that my penultimate (does returning for grad count?) return from Sydney sinks in better and comes with less complaints. :D

Good luck to everyone. Love, Shaheera.

Let's Limbo

2009-12-27T04:18:00.003+11:00

Great. Now I feel like I'm in limbo with everything.

Between studying and working.
Between Sydney and Malaysia.
Between friends and family.
Between pleasing people and doing what I want.
(which is pretty much loafing around learning how to sew and bake)
Between emotions.

I wonder why my allergies flare up more often here. Must be Kolzac.

Still in limbo.

If you don't work hard at it, don't be surprised if one day he/she walks away. Put in everything you've got if it's what you want. Don't save your 'I Love Yous' for a rainy day because rainy days means its too late. You are repeled from going all out because it's not cool and who's to say it'll last. Well, not trying is a surefire way to ensure it won't.

Ah. Yup. Still in limbo.

A Formal Letter of Apology

2009-12-27T02:55:00.002+11:00

Dear family members and friends,

I would like to take this opportunity to extend my apologies to you for all the things that I have done that might have hurt you whether with intention or otherwise.

I know I may have not been the best of friends with most of you this year. I might have retreated further into my shell than I had intended to. Thank you though, for sticking by. I might have also been too busy floating amongst the clouds, blamed for getting caught up in the whirlwind of sweet romance. I don't apologise for falling in love, but I do apologise for neglecting certain friendship duties and for discarding former company.

Perhaps I should have worked harder in maintaining that cheerful rapport we used to share. Or perhaps I should have just dropped the occasional 'Hi, wat's up dawg?' in the inbox. Perhaps I should have called more often to convey my feelings of gratitude for loving me, even if by default.

All these 'perhaps' will not do me any good. As the year draws to a close, I feel the impending urge to re-strengthen these bonds. To reel back in lost comrades, victims of my carefree and selfish attitude. To at least show those who have really stuck by, how much they mean to me. :)

Lots of Love
Doro

Indulging in Chocolates and Catchups

2009-12-22T23:54:00.005+11:00

Woo Hoo finally got to meet my munchkin Faezah! She wrote a really cute blogpost about me. Love her to bits and pieces and it was truly kick-ass to be able to meet you again after almost 2 years sweets. :D

Now, if only Elizah Adam was there to complete the awesome threesome...miss you!

Man, Faezah is exactly like how I remembered her. The laugh, her expressions, her values. But you see streaks of maturity (or so she claims) in there somewhere, and am I proud of her. I'm also absolutely happy that she's found someone she's blissfully in love and comfortable with. Good luck hun!

And tomorrow my lovely ladies are going to take me out for lunch. Or something equivalent to it. I think Izzy's planning with Fatin and consulting Alin. So yeah. I'm just gonna kick back and let them decide for me. Ngahaha.

Okay, off to shower then sleep! :)

ps: she said I'm less cranky. SCORE! maybe coz I'm on Cloud 9 :D

Rats Gnawing on Bones

2009-12-21T19:30:00.004+11:00

Too many thoughts in my head. Can't seem to sort them out. I seem to function better (or more like a normal, sane human being) only when I'm around you. The rest of the time I'm just a bundle of nerves.

There are two types of sarcasm.

One being the snarky, witty type. It's fast and sharp and leaves only a tiny scar behind, if any at all. Much like being grazed by a verbal bullet. Guess who has this gift she likes to share with her friends? Nope, it isn't me but I can take this type of sarcasm anyday baby. Just be prepared to get yours back.

The other one is more like having your bones gnawed by rats while you're still alive. It dredges up long forgotten bad habits and sounds like fingernails on a chalkboard. It's the kind that goes on for a good fifteen minutes and makes you feel like you're swimming in your own excrement (or wish you were instead of listening to them) at the end of it. It's excruciating and it pisses me off (like you couldn't tell already).

Ah, being all snappy makes me feel a whole lotta better.

imposing authority

2009-12-10T16:10:00.002+11:00

Another day spent at home. I've GOT to lose this massive bulk around my waist. It came out of nowhere, I swear! It crept up on me 2 nights ago. The lack of water intake has finally caught up with me.

Oh and pms. I've been pms-ing for a week. Sore boobies and all. You'd think I'd start bleeding now. Jeez. Ok sorry. I'm just sliiiiightly agitated.

Apparently my brother likes sexy girls. Hahahaha. Ok, what guy DOESN'T like sexy girls? But of course, these sexy girls are the ones who play around and fall for bad boys. My brother may be vain and a poser but he ain't nasty. I'd rather him go for cute n slightly sexy girls rather than all out raawwrr sexy girls. Why? I don't know. I like imposing my authority on him. :D

Maybe because he once fell for one of these girls and she left him hanging while she went off with other guys. Then she came back crying to him. Wtf. Apparently she's nice. When she's alone and not with her clique. Right. 16 year olds will always act the same whichever era they're in.

Anywaaayyyy. Enough about my brother. I need to go on a diet. Pronto. But...the scrumptious risoles are calling my name from the fridge. Maybe I should PRETEND to be depressed and sad so I'll stop eating.

This post isn't really positive is it? It's still emo isn't it? Crap. Ok I think I should stop now. :B

White Town Old Coffee

2009-12-09T14:15:00.003+11:00

Ahh. back on home soil with a new blogskin to boot!

Gives me extra incentive to start blogging again. I promise it won't be AS emo as before. I'm not saying it won't be emo at all. Just a tad bit saner. hoho.

Had such an awesome time at Liyana and Shah's wedding. My god my baby Llama is a WIFE! Who would've thought ten years ago that she would be the first one of us to wed? I'm super happy for her though. She got herself a great guy and seems so blissful with her newly appointed status. Here's to many years of happiness to you and your new husband sweetie! :D

Oh, and did you see my friends? How gorgeous are they? Supergorjes right? Btw, Husna, Fatin and Alea are single. So if you want their numbers just go and nudge them through my FB. :D

If I were to kiss Liyana would that mean that she's cheating on her husband? Hmm.

Off to Jakarta and Bandung with the family this friday. Can't wait for more intense bonding sessions. And more FOOD. And massages. Hoho.

ps: But you, my honeybee, are always on my mind. Every corner of my conciousness is occupied by thoughts of you. Miss you! XOXO.

Final Chapter

2009-11-27T20:23:00.001+11:00

Four more days. I really don't want to leave. I love this place so much. It's so cliched but Sydney HAS made me who I am. It's taught me so much about myself.

The Ultimate Final Farewell was too much for me to handle actually. I've been suppressing all these emotions for weeks and when I saw everyone that night I had to force myself not to cry. All I honestly wanted to do was sit in the corner and let the tears burst forth. Such is the nature of my hormones and feelings of sentiment. I even had to pinch myself in the car to stop from weeping.

Which is why I left early. Besides, playing Mafia isn't my thing. ;)

So here I am now, crying alone in the room, wishing I could stay. But I know things will never be the same with everyone going their separate ways, with life goals to pursue and money to gain.

Oh well. The end is inevitable. All you have to do is face it.

Trembling Tears?

2009-11-18T20:09:00.002+11:00

Ah, a true procrastinator will always postpone feeling emotional as long as possible. I keep telling myself (and certain people) that I don't want to even THINK about leaving Sydney (and certain people) in december. So yes, I'm procrastinating the tears till the few days before I jet set to the land of humidity and bad manners.

I shall miss the quaint cafes and the weekend markets.
I shall miss Ayam Goreng 99 and Shalom.
I shall miss the beaches and chocolate parlours.
I shall miss walking alone to discover hidden secrets.

Wow. And not a single tear or even a slight tremble of the lips. I'm pretty awesome.

Okay, off to drench my throat with some skyjuice. Later!

Something Gave it Away

2009-11-18T19:35:00.000+11:00

Ever had people come up to you asking for advice but nothing you say seems to penetrate their cerebral cortex? You try very hard to twist your words, to sugarcoat certain elements just to make everything go down easily and yet, the bait's still on the hook?

Have you ever wondered if the problem here is not in fact the person seeking your advice, but the person GIVING it?

Sure, you're not the one trying to cope with somthing. Yeah, you're not the one in trouble. But why is it that the other person is finding it really hard to accept what you say?

The thing is, when doling out much needed advice, you have to control HOW you express yourself. If you come across as patronising or defensive, how can you expect people to listen to you? You've got to speak like you understand them and empathise with their situation. Even if you've been through it all before, don't act like its a piece of cake and degrade them.

Usually, when people you know come up to you to let out their anxiety or burning questions, you tend to get all riled up at their predicament because you care. Or coz it's about you. This tempers with your rationale and makes you give answers that are biased and EMOTIONAL. (guilty as charged). You use your heart instead if your logic. Thus, what comes out of your mouth holds absolutely no weight.

Therefore, before gritting your teeth and deeming someone as stubborn just because they won't listen to you, listen to yourself first. Would you take your own advice?

Sharing is Caring, No?

2009-11-18T19:01:00.000+11:00

I remember reciting this line constantly to my friends till it pissed them off:

"Sorry, but I don't share".

That drew up many blank stares and raised eyebrows. I'm glad to report that I no longer harbour intense fear of catching liver disease from exchange of saliva through spoons and ice cream.

However, there are still a few things I don't share. Like my underwear (I don't think anyone WOULD want to share it though) and my boyfriend. I also selfishly like to hoard my rewards or new things I've discovered myself. Like MY portion of macarons cannot be touched by anyone else. Or that new hideaway I found will not be trampled on by other people.

One other thing I tend to be fiercely possessive about is secret events or places that I've only shared with certain people. It honestly tears me up inside when other people who don't understand the significance of said memories adopt it as their own or persuade me to allow them to join the ride. Especially if I've painstakingly took steps to keep it/them a secret.

I know it sounds really stupid and childish but I can't help myself. Sometimes I have to sit down and reassure myself that it isn't the end of the world. I repeat that some secrets are best shared like recipes for awesome cupcakes and I disregard all feelings of betrayal. And most times, those places and events discard their importance in my life.

I wonder if this post will make people understand me better or make them even more perplexed than they are now. Oh well.

Toight as a Toiger

2009-11-04T18:40:00.002+11:00

Oh my lordy. It's been such a great day. :)

I've been out since 830 and I reached home at 230. I walked from chinatown to surry hills then up to paddington (where I kinda got lost) and all the way back home. Key word: WALKED. Sure there were a couple of rest stops and awesome coffee from Single Origin but seriously, my thighs are feeling pretty tight now. Yay!

Oh and I got this pretty cute book to share with the bf. Something about Love and Lists. It's so pretty and adorable, I'm so excited to write in it! :D It will be our little secret journal. :)

Sigh. That hot shower felt really good. Now I feel like polishing off the remainders of my Caramel Tart. And maybe watch a movie. Le Sigh.

Good Luck with Exams! ;)

Together forever, to the end of Time

2009-11-02T20:23:00.002+11:00

I expelled a sigh of relief as I dropped those four bound papers at the student office. I was too tired though, to celebrate. I looked at Fini with weary eyes and we agreed that a nap was just what we needed. What started out as a short rest turned to 5 hours of deep sleep. Sweet.

It's been four days since I submitted my thesis. What have I done so far? I have no idea. The hours seem to pass like a bullet train. I've been sleeping more, eating more, watching movies, dating and amusing myself with random thoughts of future endeavours.

I probably should start studying accounts pretty soon. And of course reread the journals for my interview. Le Sigh.

You know what I really really want to do? I want to sit in cafes, order a hot cup of Chai Latte and pore over a really good book. Then I want to draw up ideas of the farewell party we're planning. And also write little journal entries of the plans I want to carry out in the years to come.

Oh well. Here's something to keep you company:

three days

2009-10-26T14:06:00.003+11:00

Holy Crap. Why can't I just work hard? WHY WHY WHY. Watch me lose sleep this next three days. Yeah right. I can't even muster up enough discipline to sit down and stare at my messed up thesis. I've got truckloads of stuff to fix. Meh.

Okla. Nak makan lunch then staple myself to the laptop.

Tonight You're Here With Me

2009-10-18T12:52:00.003+11:00

I just watched that trailer alone in the room. Twice. Both times I had fresh tears rolling down my cheeks.

Yes. A lot can happen in 12 months. I'm praying to God our feelings never change. I'm praying to God I still have you and that you'll come back to me. I'm sure you're praying I won't leave. I'm praying to God I won't. Because you never know who would say no but I'm keeping our favourite movies as inspiration to stay strong.

At this moment I'm a mess. Physically, emotionally and mentally. My estrogen levels are plummeting rapidly and I just want to sleep. But my anxiety levels keep elevating as each minute passes and my discussion warrants my attention.

Now, if only my mother could come up with a cup of coffee and a nice warm hug. If only she could just look at me and tell me, "Shaheera, just a little bit more sayang. Mummy knows you can do it." Crap. I'm sure you guys know what I'm doing now so off I go to calm myself down.

Good luck for what's left of the semester! :)

Hey Numb Butt!

2009-10-14T18:50:00.003+11:00

I haven't gone out in days. I haven't done anything fun (in my terms) for ages! Uh. Outdoors I mean. I suppose watching movies under covers and weeping at The Notebook doesn't count.

I've been squeezing my brain for the intro to my thesis. Who knew it would take me one day to write 2 paragraphs? And who knew 2 paragraphs wouldn't even fill up one page?

I'm permanently glued to the seat and cushions in front of my laptop. So much so that every time I stand up, the blood rushes to my butt. Crud, have you ever felt pins and needles on your tush? VERY exciting.

Oh well. I'm sending my Methods and Results tonight. And hopefully my Intro by tomorrow night. Then off to dinner with Sabby!!!! :D Can't wait!!!

Oh and for the life if me, I can't stay up or wake up early. I'm feeling stressed and tired as it is. Plus I'm having my period. Almost. It keeps coming and going. Stresses me out even more because my boobies feel like they're being run over by a steamroller.

Thank God for chocolates. oh and boyfriends. ;) He's making me eat a whole bar of dark chocolate today. Yayayyyyy! :D

Hear My Tummy ROAR!

2009-10-07T12:30:00.004+11:00

And just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, I happen to get both diarrhoea and bloating/gas at the same time. Woes me. I don't know if I'm hungry or I just need to fart or I need to use the loo. Make up yer mind matey!

Oh, I have also discovered that Sudoku calms my nerves and deactivates my emotional response to things. Pretty good when you're about to unleash 10 000 tears. Or melt into a pool of anger, fear and sweat. :P

Children's tears may seem like they're worth alot. Hands up who hasn't given in looking into those pools substituting as eyes? Thought so. But do remember, they can switch these things on and off to get what they want. The moment they achieve their goals, it's all sunshine and they leave you in the dust. And trust me, there's mooooreee where that came from. They forget the last time you rewarded them and are able to call upon all the times you've denied their requests. Tsk tsk. Let's take a moment of silence and grieve for all the parents out there. Especially my own. Har Har.

I want to go and do my thesis somewhere else. Some cafe that would allow me to stay for long hours and order cake and coffee. And where noone I know will walk in and distract me. Any suggestions would be good, please and thank you!

Say it together, Naturally

2009-09-29T07:54:00.005+10:00

Everyone's been asking me why I haven't blogged since early September. Maybe it's because the only things I'd rather share with everyone is how sucky honours is and how much I wish I could finish fast. But that would be boring and predictable wouldn't it?

Everything else I'd rather not share because it's too personal and laughter might be at hand when viewing those thoughts. Or sarcasm. Or a morbid desire to punch me in the gut.

But here I am, just telling the world that I'm still alive and kicking. Actually, my dad made me put this up. Don't ask me why. I couldn't care less if the rest of the world thought I disappeared.

Okla. If u want updates, here they are:
I got to talk to n take pics with Reza Salleh. :D
I've been gorging on Raya food and home cooked meals and now my jeans are UBER (ngeh ngeh) tight.
The word 'family' keeps resonating in my head much to Hawa's chagrin.
I'm in love.

Anyhoo. I'll end this with an 80s flashback. Come on, you know it's the real reason you want me to update kan? huh huh huh.

Orange & Pink Footprints

2009-09-06T17:54:00.002+10:00

I don't know if it was the evening breeze or the fact that I could feel His presence around me, but I shivered involuntarily on top of that hill.

I watched in awe as the sun slipped away, leaving traces of orange and pink footprints in the sky. I heard the soft rustling of leaves and noticed how each one moved to their own beat. I felt the warm tears roll down my cheeks a minisecond after I realised my emotions pounding on the door wanting to be released.

I thank Him for all the blessings He has given me. The many people He has lead me to. The places He's let me visit and stayed. The food I consume. The air I breathe. The love I give and receive. The many opportunities and challenges He has peppered along my path.

I ask Him to let me keep all of them, I ask Him to bestow blessings to all my loved ones. I beg of Him to never let my faith in Him waver. I will always want to thank Him and recieve His gifts.

I do feel guilty though, asking for more. I also feel guilty for giving up on my thesis. It seems like a betrayal to all those nights I prayed so hard to get into Honours. But I will turn this around. I will try my very best to put in as much as effort as I KNOW I can give. After all, I shouldn't shortchange myself. I know I can be more than mediocre if I wanted to. :)

Popsicles and Rose Syrup

2009-09-02T04:31:00.002+10:00

I watched my sister's keeper last night. MAN, it's so depressing. I kept crying even when I told myself to stop. It's not fair Llama didn't cry at ALL!!! mehhhh..

Ah llama being here is good for ze soul. Apparently I'm more manja when she's around. Coz she's manja with me! Honest! She's just macho in front of strangers!

Justifying my actions by being defensive is probably not a good idea.

I think I'm going to have an ice cream/treat truck at my wedding. Ole!

Jeez. I'm getting more boring by the moment. Oh well.

Now if you're feeling depressed, here's something you could look into. It's an article my buddy Zek wrote adressing a charity which aids people with depression. It also contains his two cents worth of what it means to be depressed and how to counter it.
We've all been there. I've been there and back again. I'm not fully over my hatred for honours but other things in my life have overrun that bitterness. I'm glad at least that I have a lot of things outside lab that make me happy. It keeps the stress levels in check.

So my dear sweetheart, the one who's still depressed. As you read this, I hope u understand that it all will pass. I know with all my heart that you can finish what you're doing now and excel. We're always there for you. You're stronger and more disciplined than you think. You're smarter too. I wish you could see all those positive words your supervisor has given to you. I wish you could realise that you're way ahead of the thesis game compared to everyone else. I also wish you'd see that you've already got the upper hand with your conference scheduled and a potential publication in your hands. Even if it all doesn't work out or you fall short, just think of all the experience you gained and at least enjoy the fact that you made it through shit and you got to spend an extra year in Sydney with us. :)

I love you. *hugs*

Raspberry Lips

2009-08-17T23:03:00.003+10:00

Ahaa. I am only here to spread my love of 80s music to you.

Ah. Foreigner. Your pleas resound loudly in my head.

How about a 90s flashback?

:)

How about something more recent?

I love her slip and her shoes. Oh and her earrings. And that shade of lip colour. Sigh. You just WAIT. I'll look like that one day. Har Har.

Oh yay esok potong rambut. K see you byes!

One thing you can be Sure of

2009-08-10T12:12:00.002+10:00

Just got back from one of those CMB seminars. Fini's supe gave a presentation on his work and his *ahem* wedding. :) I really like seeing the way he presents. Not at all dull. Everything he said sounded so appealing. The research group he was with, the promising projects they were working on, the simple experiments he conducted and all that traveling and fresh new atmosphere. Not to mention that I find the science interesting. Yes, I'm still a science geek after all.

That's just it. It always sounds so appealing on paper, in pictures, through spoken words. In truth, when you get down to the nitty gritty of things, when you're in between everything, the glimmer fades.

I've always been amused with a researcher's life. Spotting my supe's sports car and counting the amount of countries they've visited (whether for work or play) made me hold on to the notion of better things to come. But of course, I managed to be disillusioned by all the fabulous things and miss all the hard work and all that brain picking. It's much like wanting to be a pop star and having their wealth without actually having much talent or willingness to put up with training. And seriously, just because you take voice lessons doesn't make you Whitney Houston.

What's the conclusion here. I don't know. Make it up yourself. It's either:
A) you need hard work to get what you want in life.
B) don't be conned by the highs of a certain career if you're not willing to put up with the lows.
C) find and choose something you'd WANT to put up with, highs AND lows.
D) you will never be Whitney Houston. EVER.

Ahaaa! another flashback! Please don't follow the advice of Ms Houston. If you understand the lyrics that is. If you're just taking the words from the chorus then fine. Go ahead. Your partner would cair most definitely.

What are we but our stories?

2009-08-08T15:51:00.004+10:00

photo from: Joy the Baker

I just made those for brunch. Oh GLORIOUS. I'm feeling slightly ill today. I've got a sore throat am feeling totally wiped out. But these babies made me grin. And my heart soar. Then i felt sleepy. Imagine all the fibre! oh yes! They're absolutely good for u! Imma go have another one soon. :D

My mom was talking about soulmates the other day. How do you know you've found yours? What in tarnations is a soulmate? Why is my bowel doing the limbo now? Okay abaikan. If you've got answers do tell me. Sounds fascinating!

i think im on a sugar high. k thnx bai.

Come and get your Love

2009-08-03T18:19:00.003+10:00

Last night had another one of those inspiring talks with mamochka. I'm so blessed to have such a supportive mother. :)

She gave me an option that could open up so many opportunities for me. It would probably be tough considering I'd be WAY out of my comfort zone and I won't have the luxury of a steady allowance from a sponsor. But it seems worth considering because of the amount of paths it could lead to. I'm bookmarking it fo sho. ;)

I've been trying to collect stories and aspirations from other people to see what they're striving to do or become in the future. In hopes I would in turn get inspired and find out my dreams and ways to achieve them.

Some wouldn't mind working in their chosen field and collect as much salary as possible to get that dream house and car. Some just want to slave away for a few years before pursuing what they really want. Some plan on furthering their studies, either in the same course or something totally different. Some plan on just settling down. Some dream big and shun what is considered the norm.

They're all very appealing in some respects and yet, I can't seem to figure out what I want. Maybe not yet but with the advent of several choices rolling my way, it seems to be getting clearer.

I hope my future is brighter somewhat and like I said on twitter: I don't want something easy. I want something that makes me feel that all the hardship I endure is worthwhile and satisfactory, not hellish. As long as it's something that makes me feel fulfilled, I wouldn't mind struggling for it.

The Brightness of Day

2009-08-02T10:20:00.004+10:00

Last night I felt my pms hit me with full blast.

I was waiting for the bus in front of the hospital for 45 minutes. I was cold, tired and my head was pounding. I look down to see the honey we bought at Balmain markets had spilled all over my groceries. I got really pissed off so I decided to just walk home. At 1045 pm. The moment I left the bus stop I started crying really badly. After a few minutes I saw TWO 400 buses going past me. TWO! wadafak? Of course, I cried even harder. I'm talking deep heaving sobs here.

Then I went over to Unit 39. Had some food and a LOOOONGG convo with Erin. Made me laugh and smile again. Did I hear someone say moodswings??

Man, I'm such a weirdo.

In actual fact, I had such a lovely day yesterday with Hawa and Anas. It's been AGES since I last hung out with them outside. We went to Balmain, bought some Zumbo cakes (SEDAP GILA), walked to Rozelle, ate a super late lunch, went back to the city and looked at a couple of interior design exhibitions. FUN! :D

Oh well. Now it's back to the grind. Oh wait, I have a bday thingy to attend to. Even though malas nak mati. Sigh. Ok kena masak now bye.

Maybe the Answer to everything IS Cupcakes

2009-07-28T17:50:00.003+10:00

If I could drop everything and run away, I would do so without thinking twice. I am sick of you honours, you don't fill my soul with any happiness at all. I am not cut out for you so quit making my life hell.

Shaheera Djafar, the only reason honours is being a bitch to you is because you don't want to be on friendly terms with it.

Oh shut up Miss Patronise.

Last friday I was in a room full of scientists. Ideas and questions were being thrown around. The moment they started I heard a loud *PING* in my head. Much like a microwave signalling that your reheating is done. That sound indicated how I realised this just isn't what the future holds for me. I've tried so hard to follow it and to fight the doubts but it just doesn't make me happy.

And then of course, the guilt, the anger and the disappointment flooded in. Why did I do honours? Why can't I just be good at it? Why can't I have enough motivation to finish what I started? Why can't I feel the urge to publish papers or accomplish much much more? Here I am giving mediocre a try. And here I am pushing what I need to do further behind.

I can't. You make me feel empty. You make me shake in anger. You make me restless and anxious. I just. CAN'T.

Frig. Frigfrigfrig. Sigh.

Dah dah la tu Shaheera Djafar. Silalah ke Lab dan siapkan practise thesis anda.

Lemonade and Sables

2009-07-26T23:04:00.003+10:00

It's been a dreadful weekend. Goodbyes were whispered and tears were shed.

One of the best Malaysian directors of all time passed away. Many of my friends had the opportunity to meet her and talk to her about various subjects. Many more idolised her. Al-Fatihah to Yasmin Ahmad, may God bless you in the afterlife as well. You will be dearly missed by fans everywhere.

The grey skies embraced MH122 as it made its way back to home soil, carrying a very special friend of mine. Jams left for good and even though I know I'll be seeing her InsyAllah in December, the fact that I will never get to go up to her room and have long, sweet girly talks with her at night makes my heart ache a little more than it should. I will truly miss being 'manja' with her and having her comfort me when I feel sad. She's been a truly awesome friend and these few months without her would definitely feel different and strange.

I love you Nurul Ili Jamaluddin. :D

Great. Honestly, I can't imagine going back for good. Leaving this wonderful life behind. Cooking and eating with my girls. Sleepovers and movie nights. Adventures to new cafes and suburbs. Plenty of laughs and pictures. I know I'll never get a chance to do all that again because this chapter will have to end to make room for new ones. How disappointing.

You know what? I'll miss you guys the most:
Hawa, Fini, May, Erin, Kak Long and of course, Jams
Everyone else has come and gone this past 4 years but you 6 girls have been with me from the moment my life started here in Sydney. I love you lots and lots.

Oh and Sabby, you get special mention too. Because you managed to help pull me up from depression this year. For that, I thank you. And of course for everything else. :) Love you too!

(sebab jiwang and pms and mengada and time for a 90s flashback! :D)

You know you Never Let me Down

2009-07-20T14:34:00.004+10:00

It's such a beautiful day today. It's been really sunny lately. I have this HUGE urge to just change into a pair of shorts and read out on the lawn. But of course there's work overdue.

My mom wrote a letter to me on her blog. It made me weep. Sometimes I wonder too if I really deserve all this praise. I know I take so many things for granted and I know deep down inside, I'm not really THAT nice, smart or great. Maybe people misunderstand what they see. I don't know if I'm really all that special after all. Oh Well.

For the record, Mummy, you're an AWESOME mother. More than great. Please don't ask for forgiveness from me, for it is I who should be asking for forgiveness from you. I'm sorry if I have ever in any way let you down.

Now. I have to prove myself worthy of her love by carrying out what I promised her I'd do. I love you mummy. I'm blessed to have been spawned from you. (hahahaha...sorry the word 'spawned' reminds me of frogs).

I Can't go For That

2009-07-19T12:06:00.004+10:00

And the madness continues.

I was so semangat doing another run for my biofilms when I fell sick halfway through. I kept shivering in lab, my bottom half felt like it was about to unscrew itself and my head was as heavy as lead. So I went home and let the fever consume me.

Thanks to my friends, I'm feeling better now. :D

I'm still coughing though. Like heavy, congested coughs filled with phlegm. And my throat is uber itchy. Come scratch me? :P
The phlegm tastes like how recently photocopied paper smells.

Last night mamochka gave me a loooong motivational speech. She's so cute. I miss her so much.
Thank you mummy, I love you!

When you tell some people that they're good at something, they start believing and embracing that trait. That's all well and good when they actually ARE good at it. It gives them the motivational push to be who they're meant to be. But what if they're not actually that good to begin with? Like what if we were only being supportive and not 100% honest? Somehow, the word embarrassing comes to mind. And disillusioned.

OH WELL. As long as they're happy.

Why oh why am I such a Bi**h?

But the Point is Probably Moot

2009-07-13T11:23:00.002+10:00

The past 2 weeks have been madness. I've failed at doing my experiments simultaneously with my social life. Social la sangat.

There was Tong where I danced to Wondergirls. It was embarrassing but we all know how much I LOVE making an ass out myself.

There was NCG where I had to help Mo with registration. I was SO tired that night I slept for around 13 hours. At least I got to indulge in some eye candy. :P

Then there was WLDU. I didn't help out much here. Just a lil bit here and there. It was pretty awesome. Then we went to watch Flop Poppy busk on George Street till the wee hours of the morning.

It is clear that I've neglected my project. But my chitin beads aren't here yet. But I suppose I SHOULD do ze practise thesis now. Ah crud. Okay. Since there's nothing else on after this, I SHOULD be able to concentrate now. Yes. I think I'll do that.

Here's a couple of 80s hits for you:

This song makes me guilty as hell because it has the word Diane in it. :B

This dude still looks hot now. I'm SERIOUS. :D

Sloppy Joes are Sloppy

2009-07-01T10:47:00.005+10:00

Some random babble written at 2am:

I always believe that there's a reason why we face the troubles life throws at us. God is just. Our previous actions will lead to sticky situations. If you KNOW something is wrong deep down inside, but you still succumb to lust, wants and desire, is it a wonder really if you get lots of bullets fired at you while traveling along that chosen path? Do you really think you can get away with instant gratification (no matter how PURE u justify your intentions to be) scot free without paying tolls or taxes?

And once you reach that state of burden, don't make other people shoulder unnecessary responsibilities for all YOUR wrong choices. It's like leaving your long lost grankids with a hefty list of debts.

Sometimes, if you don't know what you want, the next best thing is to at least know what you DON'T want. I've figured this part out so I suppose that narrows things down. Haha. One of those things I don't want to be is weak. And even if I am feeling vulnerable, I don't want anyone else to see it.

Petty problems should not push you over the edge.
People's issues should not affect you at all.

Concentrate on YOUR life. It's the only one you can change. You're the one who will have to deal with your choices first hand. No one is going to bear the same amount of grief or hold a heartful of joy as much as you will. They may say they do but seriously, the magnitude in which they do is NOTHING compared to what you will have to go through.

My mind is so Articulate

2009-06-27T11:19:00.005+10:00

image from 101 Cookbooks

Right before she left, Eef served us these babies with some coffee. They're called Stroopwafels and I fell head over heels for them. Like seriously. This is my new obsession. Crispy waffles with caramel/toffee in between. Gloriously delish when warmed up in the toaster oven. Martina says we can get them at the Deli in Randwick. I read on google you can get it in Woolies. So if u see me there, please direct me to the Netherlands food aisle. Thanks. :)

I really am going to miss Eef. She sits right next to me in lab. She's nice although she can be a bit kiasu too sometimes. But I like her coz she's kinda cute. And coz she gave me cookies. :P She's been married for 3 years and she came here to do her phD for 4 months because her husband is here and she couldn't 'miss him for 6 months'. Awwww. She cycles everyday from Annandale to UNSW and vice versa. That's like cycling from Subang to SS2. I think. Haha.

I'm writing here because I'm trying to keep myself sane and positive.
You win some, you lose some.
You don't get ice cream with HC and Bapok but you get Stroopwafels from Eef.
You don't get bowling, MJ appreciation and Cranium but you get to eat Pad Thai and come home before 2am.

Meh. What a sour tradeoff. Oh except for the Stroopwafels. Those are the SHIZNIT. I'd eat them everyday if I could! Yummaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy!!! :D

Oh, and Anne is also leaving. She's going on a 6 months/1 year break. She's going to travel all over Australia and South America. JEALOUS! Haha. But I'm sure she deserves the break. Can't wait to do that too. I'm so taking a 6 month break after honorrea.

Ahh Stroopwafelsssss......wonder if they can get em in Germany..hmm. I just read a list of Dutch desserts and am drooling now.

Bannoffee Would Be Great Now

2009-06-24T11:59:00.003+10:00

Today started off good. I hope it stays this way til the day wraps up. :)

You know, one good thing that comes out of being mostly sad, angry and/or stressed is that even miniscule good events make you happy. Like sleeping in or having a stranger smile and say hello. It makes you appreciate the tiny things more I suppose.

Or, I could just be experiencing moodswings that will tip back to bi*ch mode soon enough. Juuuust Kidding! :D

Hey you, do you have someone you love that you haven't talked to for ages? Go ahead, give them a call. Ask them how they are, make them laugh and tell them you were thinking of them and just wanted to tell them you love them. Works wonders. For the BOTH of you. :) If you have more time or effort, write a letter or a postcard. Handwritten stuff is worth more than emails. ;)

Have a nice day sweethearts!

It's All Lies

2009-06-22T00:43:00.002+10:00

Today I met Brendan's Nan! She's soooo cute. Yeah, I have this soft spot for granmas. hehe. And I met his parents as well. They're really nice, especially the mom. :) It's nice to see how much he adored them even (and vice versa) though he's fully independent and not really living at home.

Oh and we had a short convo with Vanessa on speakerphone. I swear they really are like Hawa and Anas. Cute. (This is where I realise I'm really sleepy.)

Sigh. Im angry at you but I'm tired. I'm really tired of all this nonsense. Im tired of karma and role reversals. Funny thing is, I knew it was bound to happen because I actually do know u better than I thought I did. Hah. I just seriously thank God that he made me stop. I don't think my heart could take more sledging. (SLEDGEHAMMER)

Yeah. last week's 80's flashback. :D man, thats one weird vid.

Okay, I think I should sleep. I promise I'll write something more substantial when I finish this run. :) Btw, Def Leppard makes me really happy. Like I-wanna-dance-on-stage-and-scream-like-a-man sort of happy. Yarr. I'll be such a sexy beast with my animal print tights ala Joe Elliot.

There will be Rainbows today

2009-06-18T09:30:00.004+10:00

Oh boy. I'm feeling pretty nauseous now. I have NO idea why. Last night I had one of my attacks before falling asleep.

This really has to stop. No really. Please? I really, really cannot keep going through this every single day. It isn't fair.

I know God only gives dugaan to those He knows can face it.
So i suppose it is fair?

Are we meant to understand why we're going through all this or are we just meant to power through it without figuring out the underlying meaning?

Right now. What I would love more than anything, is to have someone tell me:

Shaheera Djafar, we have decided to let you finish honours in 1 and a half years instead of 1 year. You can do your coursework next semester and just concentrate on your thesis. Oh, and even for your thesis, we'll allow you to postpone everything by a MONTH.

I'm the Queen of Wishful Thinking.

One day, I'll set up an agency where you can order random acts of sweetness to be delivered to your sweethearts.

One day, I will meet someone who will impart all his/her knowledge about spiritual stability and contentment to me.

Maybe all this guilt and unhappiness is weighing me down. Maybe. Sabby, I really wanted to have brekkie with you. I really did. But I have to submit something to my supervisor. And now I'm feeling bad coz I couldn't hang with you. Sigh.

Imagine if Corrine Bailey Rae could come and sing away all my negativity. It's the opposite of Ariel and Ursula's ritual. Does that make sense? No? Okay.

I'll Let Her Know

2009-06-13T18:15:00.003+10:00

Adoi. Sakit perut gelak watching this okay? Hahahahaha. So cute and semangat! :D
I can't believe how ayu he is! :P
He's improved in this one:

And I have the bestest, most supportive friends ever. Llama I love you SO much. Thank you for those sweet words.
And Congrats to Fatin for getting Four Flat! :D

Creases and Ciggies

2009-06-10T11:04:00.004+10:00

He looks pretty sharp, doesn't he? I love looking at guys dressed to the nines like this. It's the casual sort of dressy with matching shoes and boat hat. And I love looking at crisp clothes that have been recently pressed and ironed. Wish I was THAT meticulous. But of course, being the lazyass that I am, I always end up looking like this:

A much less fabulous version though. With chunkier legs. Man...she looks so comfy. I can't wait to be able to dress like this again. Though I can feel my mom staring down at me with utter displeasure. :P

On a side note, can anyone tell me how to make the Lizard sign in Rock-Paper-Scissors-Spock-Lizard? Then we play together okay?

Pictures from The Satorialist.

We do Nothing but Compete

2009-06-06T13:26:00.005+10:00

I had to turn down an invitation to Bowral this weekend. Although it saddens me, I feel more relieved I said No than if I were to have accepted it.

I've been making so many bad choices lately. I always use the logic of 'taking a break' and 'feeding my soul' or whatever to justify having fun and delaying work. Of course I do manage to complete my tasks but at the expense of other important things such as sleep and sanity.

So here's to a small baby step at setting my priorities straight and being more serious about work.

And here's our weekly 80's flashback!

Here's an extra one! ;) Also from the movie 500 Days of Summer

ps: ngahaha sorry about posting something semi negative! :P

2009-06-05T23:03:00.003+10:00

Because everyone is either bored or worried about my rantings, I shall make this short and simple and I'll promise I won't post anything negative in a month. Deal?

I Hate Honours and how Miserable it has made ME.

Okay done. See? Simple.

Okay see ya!

Postcards and Love Letters

2009-06-04T08:19:00.002+10:00

Tante Tuty finally put up the photos from Bowral. God, I miss the place! :D

That's at Tante Trace's house. It's HUGE!

Eating Vietnamese Pho Noodles as Entree.

The view from the house. The cows are there somewhere. :)

Om nom nom nom.

Everyone say cheese!
L-R: Opa Sutanto, Om Dody, Helen, Tante Tuty, Oma Jill, Tante Trace, Jonathan, Om Harry

(yakin je smua nama betul. :P)

I can Unscrew the Stars

2009-06-03T20:45:00.003+10:00

I attempted to commit suicide today.

By ordering a kilo of mussels with a side of french fries and mayo. I didn't finish my mussels but I think I've gone over my monthly quota of cholesterol. :D I also managed to cap everything with dark hot chocolate frm Max Brenner. Am I a glutton or what? :P

What better way to chase the blues away than by frittering away your money. Not only did I indulge in dinner, I also bought a pair of wool blend tights from Myers and some awesome goodies from Sugar Fix. Yes. Sugar Fix is my happy place. I wanted to get them Reese's Clusters but they were too expensive. :(

Oh Butterfinger, you are my saviour!

Oh oh, and I think the BESTEREST part of tonight was, laughing really long and hard at Max B with Jams, Yai, Ainul and Sab. I'm telling you, I haven't laughed that wholeheartedly in a VERY long time. Must've been the sugar high. Thank you SO SOOOO much guys! :D

Ah. So tomorrow it's back to work and lab! Yaaaayy rasa happy nak balik kerja! :D
Yes, because I took today off. ;)

The Walls Have Ears

2009-06-03T00:17:00.000+10:00

Heh. I found this somewhere in my archives 2 months back. Thought I'd share it with you. :)

I walked along the Uni walkway last night on my way back to Barkers from the uni bus stop. As I looked at every building I walked past or saw from afar, I could recite events I've participated in at each venue.

'That's where I watched All American Rejects'. 'That's where I cried in a lab for the first time'. 'That's where I sold my soul to Mfest'. 'This is where I walked while eating ice cream after crying during 07's MGM rehearsal'. 'That's where I checked out the Indonesian seniors dancing dangdut'. 'That's where we gave Anas his surprise birthday party'.

Okay. I know it would be really hard to leave this awesome place that carries so many of my memories among its walls. However, if you asked me to stay, I'm not sure I would because I don't think I could take any more of this. Yeah yeah, you'll miss uni when you work bla bla. I don't care. Miss, miss la. I don't want to be that creepy person who hangs out by the bleachers at high schools trying to relive his glory days by staring at students.

Sydney as a whole has won a place in my heart. It's helped and watched me grow over the span of 3 years. But I think it's time to leave this chapter behind and step forward. Remember Narnia? Peter and Susan decide to never return because they've learnt all they needed to from Narnia and had to continue growing up in reality. It's the same thing. How long can you actually kid yourself and hold on to your undergrad life?

You're Out of Touch, I'm Out of Time

2009-05-31T14:13:00.002+10:00

You win some, you lose some. Balance is key. Happiness is a choice.
Mantras lose their meaning if you repeat them long enough.

I know I've been ranting more than usual lately. I sincerely apologise. I keep forgetting that's what my journal is for, not the internet. :)

But don't worry, I'm ok most of the time.

So now, I shall be selfish in a good way. Leave me be. Please and thank you. :D

This is entertainment for today:

Enjoy! :D

I Can't Always be Playing Your Fool

2009-05-27T22:28:00.003+10:00

I really don't know how you do it. Working 12 hours a day. Everyday. Then you come home and help the kids with their homework or play with them. Some of you may even cook and clean. I really don't know HOW you do it.

Because here I am, on the verge of tears, with aching shoulders and a heavy heart.

It's all fine and dandy IN the lab or OUT with the friends. It's the end of the day that sucks. Knowing you have to shower first and blow dry your hair and wake up early to prepare lunch/dinner/berbuka and do some work. Wishing you had someone to unknot all the tension in your shoulders. Or rub your back. Or stroke your hair before you sleep.

Maybe it just takes some getting used to. Or maybe my estrogen levels are still low. DAMN YOU HORMONES! Be strong Woman! *smack*

I want some Risoles please? Thank you.

I'm so tired of this. Not THIS this, the OTHER this. The whole Karma thing has stopped being funny. I know it's fair but really? (Yakin je fair) How long do I have to wait? Argh. Okay, I zip it. And please, don't judge me after you read this. You have NO IDEA what I'm talking about so DON'T ASSUME. Spanks.

If Only I Could Have a Cheeseburger Now

2009-05-24T03:51:00.004+10:00

Ever heard the words 'If Only' being uttered in the relationship context? For instance: 'If only she would love me as much as I love her' or 'If only he didn't leave me' or 'If only she'd realise I'm a better guy than that jerkass bf of hers' and etc.

I know I tend to use that phrase a lot. There was this once, I was crying to my bestie, Liz, about how IF ONLY this guy were to straighten out his confused emotions, he would make the best boyfriend and I would be SO happy because we had so much in common and he knew how to treat me right. She asked me, "How sure are you you'd be happy?". "Of course I'd be happy," I replied. "Really, Doro?" she snapped back. I kept my mouth shut and thought of what she said.

Of course, she was right. How WOULD we know we'd be happy or happIER? It's fair to say one should give it a try but seriously, if what you wish for keeps falling from your grasp, there's a reason it isn't yours to begin with.

This is where faith comes in. All those 'if only's happened for a reason. Perhaps God wanted to test you or protect you. The end result, I believe, is to make you a stronger person. Maybe you're not with someone because being with them would allow you to self destruct. Maybe you offer more benefits as a friend rather than a spouse to certain people. You just have to trust that whatever God gives you, is the best. You may not think so at that moment but in retrospect, things will seem clearer.

I have to keep reminding myself this daily. And I have to keep reassuring myself that it's better this way. :)

I'm a Gallery of Broken Hearts

2009-05-22T09:43:00.003+10:00

Sometimes I feel like there's so much to write here. But it seems that all my thoughts lately are mostly complaints or too personal and deep for public. And of course, I haven't had the time to do it.

I slept for ten hours last night. Woke up at 830 to coffee, LeSnak crackers and 2 teaspoons of Nutella. :D. Felt soooo goooood. I've been fasting and waking up late and being tired and cranky. I was and still am PMS-y. But at least waking up early and having some form of bfast helps.

Today is the final day of run number 4. Another 9 hour lab but I shall be socialising tonight. I hope. Haha. And tomorrow, I'm going to have the WHOLE day off! I'm going to go feed my soul somewhere else or at home.

I want this hoodie on Rumilenora

The metal chains, the larger hood and slouchy size looks very comfy and cool.
Of course, I want her legs too. :B

Am now listening to Zee Avi thanks to Zek and Erin and May. :D

Alien Squid and Flashlights?

2009-05-19T22:54:00.005+10:00

This was done by my Jedi Master, Zek. I'm guessing he was inspired by one of my dreams where a dude who was hitting on me, drew me a comic with the exact same title. Hahaha. I totally love it! Thanks Zek! Loves yous! :D

Pizza Formaggia

2009-05-15T00:30:00.004+10:00

Just watched Angles and Demons. Ooh the Geekasms I had while feasting my eyes on fantabulous science and religion conspiracies.

I don't care if you think Dan Brown is overrated or a sham. I believe his books are utterly brilliant and oozing with huge piles of information. Who cares if it's only semi-true, it IS supposed to be fiction after all. The science is in fact, plausible, because he actually took the time to research the things he strings into the storyline.

Yes, argue if you must. I still loved biting my lips at all the informative tidbits he scatters around the book and movie. So catch the movie if you can. Or even better, read the book beforehand. As usual, they changed some parts, but who cares! :) Watch it!

I'll Take this Cali Sunrise with Me

2009-05-12T20:57:00.003+10:00

What does it mean to have half your friends suffer from mental problems? No, I'm not trying to be funny. Most of us have been actually diagnosed by qualified professionals, be it counselors or GPs.

The two most common mental disorders among young adults are Anxiety Attacks and Depression. I do realise it's a bit hard to grasp and I'm sure some people think we're just being annoying or attention seeking by complaining about our problems and such. Unfortunately, this is serious business and it's REAL. It must be, since we get affected badly physiologically.

I don't know if all people our age go through it or it just so happens that my friends are burdened more than others. Is it the fact that we're away from home? Is it because uni here is too tough? Is it because we tend to take on too many additional responsibilites?

But whatever your problems, it's okay to seek help. To ask for guidance. For love. For understanding. I can give you ALL the hugs you need. I probably need it too. And remember, you're not alone in facing this and it will always get better. Where else is there to go, if not up, when you hit rock bottom? ;)

ps: on a side note, I keep picturing myself performing on stage with my pusher and my jedi master. We'd play all my fave powerpop/ pop punk songs. I'd be in summery outfits with flowers in my hair. Oh Bliss. :D
pps: top pick for this week = Jamie All Over by Mayday Parade. :)

Never take Advice from Jilted Lovers

2009-05-09T17:36:00.003+10:00

Written at 4pm on the Physics Lawn:

Sitting on the soft grass, blanketed by the warm sun. The light is that gorgeous yellow I always rave about but never manage to retain in photographs. I wish for thousands (millions?) more of this kind of sunshine in my lifetime. The gentle breeze and a cup of coffee tops the ice cream of bliss. :)

Alhamdulillah, this week was filled with plenty of lab time n classes. Momentum is getting better and hopefully next week will be as good or better. I'm going to concentrate on unwinding today till midday tomorrow. Then it's back to work. Wish me luck!

Oh, btw, my mom has a blog. I showed it to some of my friends and they said that we both write the same way. Even my dad n brother said the same thing. I really think I'm turning out to be more like her. I pray that when the time comes, I'll be as great a mother as she is. I love you mummy. You've been an AWESOME role model! Happy Mother's Day while I'm at it. :P

I Deny the Tears in My Eyes

2009-05-05T18:25:00.004+10:00

I dah tak larat dah. I cannot go on doing nonsense like this. Our lives no longer intersect, so why should I bother pretending or wishing it did? I've trudged this road before, and I got through alright. I just need to practise more restraint and have more willpower.

I feel really guilty thinking that the world is unfair to me. In actual fact, I am VERY blessed to have what I own right now. The amount of people who love me, Alhamdulillah, are just amazing. And the fact that my heart is filled with so much love for each of them, keeps me going.

Times are tough. I do not enjoy the pressure of what I'm doing. I can't really see a future in what I'm doing now, which is sad but at least I tried to find out. Who knows, I might change my mind after I get used to things.

I do not have ambitious dreams. I do not have dreams at all. I do not know what I can do to earn money and at the same time give me some form of fulfillment. A proud sense of achievement would suffice, but even then, nothing I do is enough for that. Maybe I'm a slacker after all.

Move Like a Jellyfish

2009-05-02T18:12:00.004+10:00

Ifan gave me his weekly pass which expires today. Traipsed through Balmain and Rozelle. Found my way up to the Sydney Observatory Hill and took this picture. It was just AMAZING up there. It would be a nice place to just read and eat a sandwich. :)

Cumulatively, I have eaten 6 different flavours of Zumbo's macarons. He He He. I especially love the Blue Cheese n the Coconut & Pandan. :D Hawa, please come with me next time?

Loving yourself does not just mean cleansing your soul or finding happiness, Shaheera. If you really love yourself, you'd pull yourself up. You'd work hard. You'd carry out your potential. It's not enough to walk through woods finding peace of mind. You need to fulfill your responsibilities well and keep yourself on track constantly.

I'm Tired, This Fight is Fighting to Survive

2009-05-01T17:51:00.004+10:00

Hah. Shouldn't have said what I said in the last post. I'm now pelted with my own stupid problems. But OH WELL, TOUGH LUCK.

No, I'm not going to rant here. It is my fault after all. But I have legit reasons. And noone would understand anyway.

So, I'm going to go off the grid for awhile. Until I figure out how to fix things. Because problems should be solved not left to simmer under the hood til everything evaporates.

K thnx bai.

ps: Ifan is leaving tomorrow. I love being the Kakak. But it's tiring too. I'm gonna miss the kid. Sigh.

Saving all my Love

2009-04-29T22:51:00.003+10:00

Tis the season to be moody, fa la la la laaa la la la laaaa.

Oh halo, it seems to me that everyone and their grandmothers are feeling a tad bit depressed lately. Problems this, assignments that. People, things, feelings all piling up under a dark gloomy sky.

But honey bees, it'll all be A-Okay! So here's a little sunshine to brighten your day. :D

ps: I'm not feeling emo because I went through all the stupid nonsense weeks back. Although I do feel like crap sometimes but it's all alrighty. :D

Are you Happy with your Role?

2009-04-27T21:56:00.005+10:00

That's my last.fm playlist being wordled using some coding program from Master Giraffe.
Don't judge me! :P

Been listening to Red Jumpsuit Apparatus on replay since dinner at Mongers. :D

I've been increasing my food intake recently for these reasons:

1. It's getting colder, therefore I get hungrier. Go figure.

2. I'm becoming happier. When I'm happy I eat more. It's simple really.

3. I just got my big P. PMS makes you ravenous and crave things. Like salt n pepper calamari. And chocolates.

4. I have friends who eat nice food. Enough said.

But I do not like increasing my girth. EVERYONE KNOWS I LOOK BETTER NOW. Dont pretend its not true. I KNOW you think I look unhealthy all bloated and fat. And I like playing with my ribs, thanks.

So what do I do now? Yeah. I can hear you rattling off all the typical responses. Exercise, eat
less, cook yourself, dont eat junk food, put up a pic of Jessica Alba or that dress one size smaller to motivate yourself. Right. It sounds so easy saying and writing doesnt it? Pah.

Wait. Why am I cantankerous? Oh. Lit review not done. Right. Okay toods!

The Sky Looks Pissed

2009-04-26T00:38:00.004+10:00

Heads up! Some random babble is coming your way!

Oh hello, that explains why I've been feeling bloated and continuously hungry the past few days. Not to mention perpetually beat and randomly sad. Surprisingly I didn't have the other usual telltale signs. And only three days late! *thumbs up*

I wish you'd understand that not all your happiness stems from romantic love. I wish you'd see how much happier you could be if you didn't keep chasing love. I wish you'd know that being single and alone means you have more freedom to pursue your dreams. I wish you'd stop searching for love in all the wrong places. I wish you'd be comfortable in your own skin.

Patronising ke? Sorry.

Other people's problems are not mine to solve. I cannot keep mulling over their plights in addition to my own jumbled up thoughts. It makes my head heavy and my breath short. But I sure can't help myself especially when I see them decaying in front of me.

Okay that's enough emoness for today. Shall now do the Rick Astley dance before scooting off to bed. Peace.

Lit Review Due

2009-04-24T11:10:00.003+10:00

Dear body,

I'm so sorry but I will have to pump you with caffiene this next week. And also instant food. Please bear with me? I promise I'll give you a nice culinary treat next Wednesday and if you're lucky, something coffee free. :)

And don't be so stressed out even if you need to be. I promise I'll play happy songs all the way.

Lots of love,

Shaheera

I'll Send My Wampa Afta U

2009-04-22T23:27:00.004+10:00

One of the many things I've learnt from hanging out with Sab is to be absolutely comfortable with yourself.

To put it simply, I shouldn't be ashamed of my principles and how I act. As long as I'm not harming anyone or going on the path to self destruction, I should be fine.

What gets me though is when people start to question my thoughts on things and reassure me that I'm not being myself. Or that they subtly tell me I should change in order to please them or other people. Please, even if I WAS once like how you percieve me to be, I may not be the same person now. And really, why are you friends with me if you want me to be less dorky or thinner or more open minded or whatever other stupid nonsense you want me to be moulded into?

I should take a page out of Daddy's book and be so comfortable in my own skin that noone should faze me. And I should NEVER feel guilty if I say no to guys. Hah. What? Guys say no to me too!

Anyways, today was actually an AWESOME day due to conversations with strangers and bonding with Sabby. And a got a nice little note from my Sweetheart Jams. Thanks babe! :D I love you!

Make the most of Boundaries

2009-04-19T08:18:00.002+10:00

I had a nice talk with my mom last night. She said that I can't handle too much negative energy because instead of deflecting them, I tend to absorb them. It's just me. I'm trying to change this though. I'm learning how to not take outer factors to heart, especially things that don't concern me.

Where do all these negative energy come from? The number one cause for me is other people's problems. Whenever my friends get depressed or something is bothering them, they confide in me. Generally, I don't mind because that's what friends are for and I wouldn't only want to be with them when they're happy. But eventually, as the discussions pile up and anxiety builds up, all the negative energy starts to flow into me. They transfer their burdens onto my shoulders and I end up feeling depressed for no particular reason. It's okay if it's few and far between but that's never the case.

What I realise then that when I went to Bowral, I was surrounded by such amazing and happy people. Such positivity and warmth flowed in from everyone, even the cats. How could I NOT feel complete bliss there? It was exactly what I needed. I refuled my optimism and came back rejuvenated spiritually. I thank God I was allowed to experience all that and pull me up from le pit of doom. :)

Therefore now, I'm trying hard to remain positive and I try to spend time with people who are very optimistic (Here's looking at you Sabby :D). Not to say I don't like hanging out with my other friends. I love you guys more than you know. I just wish you'd understand what I'm saying here and how much I've had to bear. There's a stark difference between unloading your negativity and accumulating postive ones. I didn't talk about my problems in Bowral but I still came out feeling like a millionabucks. ;)

Vanilla Ice Ice Baby

2009-04-16T11:36:00.002+10:00

Watched Jason Mraz last night. I have to be honest and tell you that I don't actually listen to him. I don't have any of his songs in my ipod. But since everyone says he's awesome I thought I'd have a go at watching him live. (No not coz I think he's cool and I want to be deemed as cool. Nigga please.)

To me, this concert wasn't one of those where you stand up and dance, where the energy flows to each nerve and cell. It wasn't one where I could sing along and pump my fist in the air repeatedly.

I was in my own little zone and I listened in awe as he sang his stories. That's what it was like to me. Being in a nice cozy room with Mraz while he pours his soul out into a song or ramble on random thoughts in his lyrics.

So yes, I did enjoy the concert despite not knowing any of the songs. I have a feeling he purposedly picked lesser known songs to segregate the posers out from the real fans. Haha. And no, I didn't cry. Yay.

Filled to the Brim

2009-04-13T17:47:00.002+10:00

I think I'm in love with Bowral. These 2 days have been much needed. You have no idea how much affection I'm filled with for all these people I just met.

Opa Sutanto and Oma Jill's house is so cozy and the view is gorgeous! They've got so many beautiful flowers and trees and the house is situated at the top of the hill. You can actually hear the cows mooing in the pasture below. :D

Tante Trace's house is also awesome. She's got a huge plot and her house is filled to the brim with crafts. I swear it's like a museum!

The town itself is very lovely with its quaint shops and numerous cafes.

There was another Indonesian family staying over for the weekend there. Tante Tuti, Om Dodi and their 2 kids, Sarita and Desi. They're such wonderful people and they all made me feel so welcome there. It didn't feel like I just met then for the first time. They even gave me a lift back home. Hee Hee.

Because I helped out with some of the housework and because the food we got was neverending, it seriously felt like home to me. And the people were so nice. Sigh. I should've accepted their invitation last year. At least I could've destressed better then.

This trip is probably the highest point of the past month or so. Even if it was only on the weekend and with people I barely know. And you know what? This is the ONLY reason that makes putting on weight justifiable. You know, like going home? Man, I miss my own Oma.

Okay, off to report to my mother. :D

Say you, Say me.

2009-04-10T13:44:00.004+10:00

If you know doing something makes someone happy, you should continue doing it right? Hmm.

Oh how I wish my mother was here.
Oh crud. She's so going to call me sounding all worried now. Meh.

Anyway. Must. Be. Positive.
Highlights of the week so far:

1. Eating at Bourke St Bakery and traipsing around Surry Hills with Sibrena and Jamsiah. Ah, fulfilled tummy and soul.
2. Getting confirmation that I'll be my bestie's Maid of Honour! So excited to be part of her special day. :D
3. Um. Yeah. That's it. What? It's only Friday!

Man. Where's my Mortal Wombat when I need it? I want to bury my head into it's furry belly and sleep. Ngahahaha sounds disturbing.

ps: sorry for the lack of posts. I haven't been really inspired lately. Toods.

I Refuse to Give into my Blues

2009-04-05T21:24:00.005+10:00

I, Shaheera Djafar, have lost all willpower and momentum when it comes to Uni work. This has been happening gradually over the past week. Or two.

I'm not going to give you some bullshit excuse about what's going on in my head. I'm just telling you that I have lost myself. And now I've got to pull my socks up and find me. You can help if you want.

I'm tired of crying more than once a week, in the middle of the night.
I just want to feel SO angry that I push myself to work extra hard.
I think I've been approaching things the wrong way.

And yes, I no longer have the flat stomach I brought back from Malaysia after the breakup. Shut up.

Ah yes, and a friend says that I should give my emotions a rest. Word.

Bbbbruises

2009-04-01T12:31:00.003+11:00

Breathe in and out. Relax.

Come on Doro you can do ittttt!

If ever there was a time to be selfish, now would be it. Word.

Happy happy happy. (is it working? No?) Happy happy happy.
*goes on chanting*

Okay, I have to stop feeling so nauseaous (nauseus? nauseas?) and suck it in and just do ze presentation. Wheee!

I'm sorry. This is an attempt to calm myself down. I'm a loser who likes to amplify their problems when real people have real problems. Yeah. Go ahead, sucker punch me. I probably deserve it.

"Tell your boyfriend, if he says he's got beef. That I'm a vegetarian and I aint f**kin scared of him".
"I refuse to give in to my blues. That's not how it's going to be".

Okay after I pipis Im goin up to Rountree room. Wismilak!

Now I've got to Fool Myself

2009-03-31T17:06:00.002+11:00

Today's rainfall marked the seasonal change we've been waiting for. Well, I don't know if YOU'VE been waiting for it. I'm sure with extreme heat waves in Summer, wet days are more than welcome now. And I kind of like sitting at my desk and listening to the rain while drinking something hot.

Now the only problem is that I dont have an umbrella.

I have a presentation tomorrow. I have a mid session quiz next week. I haven't really started my experiment yet.

And here I am listening to the Kids Incorporated take on "The King of Wishful Thinking" on replay. I think I'm going to sing that the next time I karaoke. Huh huh huh.

Oh wow. It must really be something to stare at this blog and feel unsatisfied with everything I've written. Mrrfhh.

Don't Trust A Ho

2009-03-29T12:53:00.003+11:00

Funny how watching a cute guy can make you chipper for the rest of the day. Thanks Hawa for sharing your new Youtube obsession! :D

You know what I love? Friendships that aren't one sided. I'm so sorry to those who think they've been shortchanged by me but I have to say that I'm very lucky to have some pretty awesome friends. I love listening to your problems as much as I am grateful that you listen to mine. I love it when you come by my room even when it's messy because I always drop by at yours. I love it when you share random stuff with me and accept all the nonsense I make you read and watch.

And I miss my little sanggana cham cham. Everytime I watch Russel Peters I think of you, kid. Take it, and GO.

I now type psycho as spycho and am dancing crazily to 3Oh!3. Word.

Head in the Clouds

2009-03-27T16:49:00.003+11:00

Everytime I watch sappy movies, I get this sense of yearning and longing for many things. I used to be able to express them as freely as I wanted to. I complained to my friends, I wrote detailed essays on them in this blog, and I note them down in scraps of paper at random intervals.

But I can't anymore. I don't dare to. Why? Because I notice that every time I do, weird things start happening to me. (Oh shut up and quit humming the X Files theme). Think of it as an answer to my 'prayers'. Just not the answers I wanted or what I was looking for. They may be other people's answers, just not mine.

I'm not sure if it's too cryptic for you but it's a bit hard for me to explain while keeping it under wraps. I so want to share with the world what I want, what I miss, what I long for. I am only a young human lady after all. But I know someone might just come up and say 'here, you wanted this right?' and it totally knocks the wind out of me because they've taken it out of context. And I end up filling myself up with guilt and plenty of 'No's.

Okay, pardon me if it's all gibberish to you.
I think I'll go detox onto my notebook.

Buddy

2009-03-25T19:32:00.003+11:00

Okay I'm sorry. I took the earlier post down because I felt so guilty after my mom called me.

My cousin, Khalil passed away this morning due to an asthma attack. He wasn't even 30 yet. His family is of course devastated.

My mom told me how heart wrenching it was to watch his mom cry over his dead body and how even my dad who NEVER cries, eventually did. It was also sweet to hear that all my mom's siblings came down/up to Solat Jenazah.

It just sends chills up my spine to know that he's just a few years older than me and it seems that more people from my demographic are dying due to diseases everyday. So please, take care of yourselves ok?

Al-Fathihah.

I Love Salt and Pepper Squid

2009-03-22T23:30:00.002+11:00

Just had an extremely gratifying weekend. There's too much to say and too many emotions and thoughts running through my head so I'll summarise. Hoho.

Hawa's Partay! My head almost burst due to the sheer awesomeness of it all. You can tell from the pictures. Haha.

Sunday was a Relaxing Day filled with lepaking moments, good food and even greater company. And of course, GORGEOUS views. Until now, it's so surreal to me that I'm in Sydney and I am absolutely thankful God has given me the chance to be here now.

On a personal note, I know why guys get bored of me and I know that you shouldn't be ashamed of your cellulite or even the way you dress. Who friggin cares anyway? I would love to travel by myself but I know why it isn't safe. Sometimes we think too much about certain rules and expectations that we forget that we should just go with the flow and have faith in things.

It's Time to Make your Move

2009-03-19T10:08:00.003+11:00

Lately, there has been a small movement circulating among some of the blogs I read. They've joined this campaign called 'No H8' that's keen on seeing Prop 8 abolished. Of course we all know that celebrity feuled protests are the ones that always gain the most attention and like it or not, this issue is going to stick around much longer than expected.

Now, please be reminded that what I say here is just MY own opinion so please do not preach to me and call me blasphemous or whatever. Stop being so shallow.

Anyway, when it comes to same sex relationships, I know in my deepest core that it is wrong based on religion. We've all read our holy books and none of them actually condone these relationships. What I find most irritating is people who embrace these feelings because of pure lust and experimentation and not because it's what their heart tells them to do.

However, there are some out there who truly can't help what they feel. They've tried so hard to disprove their feelings and yet, they still fall for the same gender, no matter how much counselling or praying they've gone through. And who are we to argue with people who are in love? Those who find stability, happiness and security with someone who is absolutely perfect for them? How many of us can say that we're experiencing the same sort of contentment they are?

We should also remember that the possibilties of the types of human beings that God creates is endless. I'm sure there are reasons for these people to exist and whatever they feel and do, what the final outcome will be once life is over, is purely between them and God. I don't think we have the right to judge them or hate them even.

So there you go. My two cents worth. And no, I am not gay, don't worry dear Parentals.

French Toast :D

2009-03-17T20:46:00.003+11:00

Today was a FULL day. :D And thus, a POSITIVE one.

4 hours of commercial biotech classes and almost 2 hours of lab work. I do realise that normal full days involve 9 hours. But come on people, you know you spend a quarter of it online or eating.

Anyway, it's kind of nice gaining proper momentum. Waking up early, eating (somewhat) proper food, no naps, lab work, classes, relaxing time after dinner. Hoho. I hope I get to keep the ball rolling. Wish me luck!! I've still got a couple of kinks I need to iron out. Such as vegies for lunch and time for exercise. Oh and proper study time. :B

One thing I'm aiming for this year:
To have an adventure every week.
It's very subjective. Eating cow's brain is also an adventure. So is painting my toes electric blue. So yeah. Any suggestions or collaborations are duly welcomed! :D

Where's Your Picket Fence, Love?

2009-03-16T12:36:00.003+11:00

Shaheera has clearly messed up her priorities. Please be patient while she reboots and changes to default settings. Sorry for the inconvenience caused. Thank you.

Hoho remind me to consume fiber everyday. And wake up early. And have proper meals. And exercise. And drink lotsa water. Constipation and high cholesterol is unfun.

And of course please make me STUDY.

Alaa buat sendiri la bodoh.

Business as Usual

2009-03-15T16:36:00.003+11:00

Yarr. It's Handsome Man's Birthday today.

Happy Birthday Daddy! Welcome to the big 5-0! Muahahaha....

Love you lots and lots! :D

And to commemorate this day, I'll be listening to The Eagles on replay. Woo Hoo!

Over and Over I've Dreamed of this Night

2009-03-15T10:20:00.004+11:00

My mom asked me last night, "How come your blog ni, one day so chirpy and then next day so encouraging and then suddenly so dark?"

I replied, "Mummy, hidup ini bagaikan roda. Kadang2 kat atas, kadang2 kat bawah." At which point I burst out laughing. That ayat was stolen from Fini because she loves reciting it in the weirdest of contexts.

This IS a personal blog. If Dirah wears her heart on her sleeve, I wear mine on my blog. (lame).

Anyway, Omigod, I just saw some pictures from the Taste of Sydney festival. I would really love to go to these sort of events because I think it would be an awesome culinary experience. Sydney's food culture is something I'd thoroughly miss when I'm back home. (Although we DO have our own fabulous food culture). However, being a Muslim, it's a bit hard to indulge in all the samples because they're obviously NOT halal. I'm pretty sure I can get away with sampling some of the desserts and vegetarian or seafood stuff but come on! It would be SUCH a waste to not try the Wagyu Beef Bourguignonne’ with Truffled Cauliflower and Onion Rings or the Loin and Crumbed Belly of Lamb with Basil Mayonnaise and a tomato olive jus. It's okay if these events had free entry so I wouldn't feel so shortchanged but they don't. Or do they? Hmm...

But you know what? I think I'll just try going to the Good Food & Wine Show somewhere later this year. I know I'll never get that chance once I'm back in the Motherland. I should add it to MY bucket list. Who wants to join me? (I can hear Sab volunteering enthusiastically from here). And I shall quell the perceptions of not being able to enjoy the food/exhibitions just because I can't have meat/pork/alcohol.

Crud. Now I'm getting all excited way ahead of schedule. Hee Hee.

Oh and to those who are concerned, my appetite has returned. Probably due to the onset of my pre-period routine. And also the fact that my friends cook wonderful meals. :D

You Wear and Fade You're Nowhere Fast

2009-03-12T01:11:00.006+11:00

It's so hard to juggle between taking care of your food intake while you take care of your finances while taking care of your studies while u take care of your broken heart.

I have only managed to work on my finances and my heart. Even then, it's not looking pretty optimistic with 820 dollars to pay on a 5 week month. Sigh.

And now, i like to admire my new found hip bones and play with my ribs. woo hoooooo!
I also enjoy staring vacantly at those toilet seats and choosing which one to wipe down.
I also love the fact that this house has no detergent or toilet bowl wash.
And who could forget those cockroaches colonising the bottom of my printer and spreading their filth around my room.

Wow. I LOVE Sydney. Don't you love it too?

I woke up with this resonating heartache. Not literally of course. Don't ask me why. I can't explain it to you if I tried. It's just one of those days you know?

ps: Penat la asyik nak paksa diri jadi happy je kan?