Self Esteem and Other Things
Everyone's been asking me what my dreams are for the future. If you remember, I stated I had no dreams. That is not entirely true. I do have them, but they would entice you to either laugh or frown in disapproval. Or both.
I have very low self esteem when it comes to what I'm good at and what I can achieve. I'm the ultimate pessimist, ending each good quality someone names with a 'but it's not as good as...' or 'oh, it's not THAT great but okayla, sometimes'. Don't get me wrong, this does not include other things in my life. I am TOTALLY confident I can finish that dessert after a hearty dinner or that I can walk across the Harbour Bridge by myself in the midst of a dust storm. It's just these other things like my skills and where I see myself in 10 years. I just can't find the confidence to see myself accomplish great things. I can actually give you a list of all the things I'm bad at after all these years of self depreciation.
Oh, I'm also however, very optimistic when it comes to other people's lives. I can be the best cheerleader you need. I know everyone has the potential to do whatever they want (unfortunately, this doesn't extend to personal development). They just need the coaxing to come out of their shells. I'll hold your hand, I'll pick you up when you're stuck on the floor in a heaping, sobbing mess. I'll even lie to you, if that's what you need to stop from jumping out the building. All this if you let me.
I can even rationalise why my friends hurt me. I understand why they say certain things, why they bite back and eventually I forgive them and beg them to forgive me. I can materialise reasons for people's actions without them even interacting with me. And no matter how much a person has hurt me, I still give them the benefit of the doubt (even if it's from afar :P)
Although of course, it doesn't work ALL the time. (woohoo pessimism kicks in again!)
So yes. I have low self esteem. And please don't take things personally. It's not a personal attack or an act of defiance. It's not all about you or just about me. And I don't think anyone really understood my previous post. All that talk can't permeate through the bubble remember? I can only read straight up choices. I make decisions by elimination. That's how God created me. And again I stress this, it's not all about you or just about me. I'm not trying to diss you or shun you. Please.